THE 14 GILBERT AND SULLIVAN PLAYS

KO. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner, I've got to
behead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know how it's
done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin with a guinea
pig, and work my way through the animal kingdom till I come to a
Second Trombone. Why, you don't suppose that, as a humane man,
I'd have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner if I hadn't
thought the duties were purely nominal? I can't kill you--I
can't kill anything! I can't kill anybody! (Weeps.)
NANK. Come, my poor fellow, we all have unpleasant duties
to discharge at times; after all, what is it? If I don't mind,
why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be done.
KO. (springing up suddenly). Must it? I'm not so sure
about that!
NANK. What do you mean?
KO. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that
you've been executed will do just as well? Here are plenty of
witnesses--the Lord Chief Justice, Lord High Admiral,
Commander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Department,
First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police.
NANK. But where are they?
KO. There they are. They'll all swear to it--won't you?
(To Pooh-Bah.)
POOH. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of
State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety?
KO. Why not! You'll be grossly insulted, as usual.
POOH. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date?
KO. It will be a ready-money transaction.
POOH. (Aside.) Well, it will be a useful discipline.
(Aloud.) Very good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it!
(Aside.) Ha! ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck?
NANK. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum----
KO. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum! Here,
Commissionaire (to Pooh-Bah), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit
Pooh-Bah.) Take Yum-Yum and marry Yum-Yum, only go away and never
come back again. (Enter Pooh-Bah with Yum-Yum.) Here she is.
Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy?
YUM. Not particularly.
KO. You've five minutes to spare?
YUM. Yes.
KO. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu;
he'll marry you at once.
YUM. But if I'm to be buried alive?
KO. Now, don't ask any questions, but do as I tell you, and
Nanki-Poo will explain all.
NANK. But one moment----
KO. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to
ascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you
alive I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him that
I've beheaded you. (Exeunt Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, followed by
Pooh-Bah.) Close thing that, for here he comes!
[Exit Ko-Ko.
March.--Enter procession, heralding Mikado, with Katisha.
Entrance of Mikado and Katisha.
("March of the Mikado's troops.")
CHORUS. Miya sama, miya sama,
On n'm-ma no maye ni
Pira-Pira suru no wa
Nan gia na
Toko tonyare tonyare na?
DUET--MIKADO and KATISHA.
MIK. From every kind of man
Obedience I expect;
I'm the Emperor of Japan--
KAT. And I'm his daughter-in-law elect!
He'll marry his son
(He's only got one)
To his daughter-in-law elect!
MIK. My morals have been declared
Particularly correct;
KAT. But they're nothing at all, compared
With those of his daughter-in-law elect!
Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect!
ALL. Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect.
MIK. In a fatherly kind of way
I govern each tribe and sect,
All cheerfully own my sway--
KAT. Except his daughter-in-law elect!
As tough as a bone,
With a will of her own,
Is his daughter-in-law elect!
MIK. My nature is love and light--
My freedom from all defect--
KAT. Is insignificant quite,
Compared with his daughter-in-law elect!
Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect!
ALL. Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect!
SONG--MIKADO and CHORUS.
A more humane Mikado never
Did in Japan exist,
To nobody second,
I'm certainly reckoned
A true philanthropist.
It is my very humane endeavour
To make, to some extent,
Each evil liver
A running river
Of harmless merriment.
My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time--
To let the punishment fit the crime--
The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment!
Of innocent merriment!
All prosy dull society sinners,
Who chatter and bleat and bore,
Are sent to hear sermons
From mystical Germans
Who preach from ten till four.
The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies
All desire to shirk,
Shall, during off-hours,
Exhibit his powers
To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
The lady who dyes a chemical yellow
Or stains her grey hair puce,
Or pinches her figure,
Is painted with vigour
With permanent walnut juice.
The idiot who, in railway carriages,
Scribbles on window-panes,
We only suffer
To ride on a buffer
In Parliamentary trains.
My object all sublime, etc.
CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc.
The advertising quack who wearies
With tales of countless cures,
His teeth, I've enacted,
Shall all be extracted
By terrified amateurs.
The music-hall singer attends a series
Of masses and fugues and "ops"
By Bach, interwoven
With Spohr and Beethoven,
At classical Monday Pops.
The billiard sharp who any one catches,
His doom's extremely hard--
He's made to dwell--
In a dungeon cell
On a spot that's always barred.
And there he plays extravagant matches
In fitless finger-stalls
On a cloth untrue
With a twisted cue
And elliptical billiard balls!
My object all sublime, etc.
CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc.
Enter Pooh-Bah, Ko-Ko, and Pitti-Sing. All kneel
(Pooh-Bah hands a paper to Ko-Ko.)
KO. I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your
Majesty. I guess the object of your Majesty's visit--your wishes
have been attended to. The execution has taken place.
MIK. Oh, you've had an execution, have you?
KO. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate.
POOH. I am the Coroner. (Ko-Ko hands certificate to
Mikado.)
MIK. And this is the certificate of his death. (Reads.)
"At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chief
Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of State for the Home
Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the Second Floor Front----"
POOH. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them
myself.
MIK. Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for the
performance.
KO. A tough fellow he was, too--a man of gigantic strength.
His struggles were terrific. It was a remarkable scene.
MIK. Describe it.
TRIO and CHORUS.
KO-KO, PITTI-SING, POOH-BAH and CHORUS.
KO. The criminal cried, as he dropped him down,
In a state of wild alarm--
With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown,
I bared my big right arm.
I seized him by his little pig-tail,
And on his knees fell he,
As he squirmed and struggled,
And gurgled and guggled,
I drew my snickersnee!
Oh, never shall I
Forget the cry,
Or the shriek that shrieked he,
As I gnashed my teeth,
When from its sheath
I drew my snickersnee!
CHORUS.
We know him well,
He cannot tell
Untrue or groundless tales--
He always tries
To utter lies,
And every time he fails.
PITTI. He shivered and shook as he gave the sign
For the stroke he didn't deserve;
When all of a sudden his eye met mine,
And it seemed to brace his nerve;
For he nodded his head and kissed his hand,
And he whistled an air, did he,
As the sabre true
Cut cleanly through
His cervical vertebrae!
When a man's afraid,
A beautiful maid
Is a cheering sight to see;
And it's oh, I'm glad
That moment sad
Was soothed by sight of me!
CHORUS.
Her terrible tale
You can't assail,
With truth it quite agrees:
Her taste exact
For faultless fact
Amounts to a disease.
POOH. Now though you'd have said that head was dead
(For its owner dead was he),
It stood on its neck, with a smile well-bred,
And bowed three times to me!
It was none of your impudent off-hand nods,
But as humble as could be;
For it clearly knew
The deference due
To a man of pedigree!
And it's oh, I vow,
This deathly bow
Was a touching sight to see;
Though trunkless, yet
It couldn't forget
The deference due to me!
CHORUS.
This haughty youth,
He speaks the truth
Whenever he finds it pays:
And in this case
It all took place
Exactly as he says!
[Exeunt
Chorus.
MIK. All this is very interesting, and I should like to
have seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A
year ago my son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from our
Imperial Court.
KO. Indeed! Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his
position?
KAT. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry
him--yet he fled!
POOH. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so
lovely!
KAT. That's not true.
POOH. No!
KAT. You hold that I am not beautiful because my face is
plain. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened.
Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that beauty is to
be sought. My face is unattractive!
POOH. It is.
KAT. But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of
loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a
fascination that few can resist.
POOH. Allow me!
KAT. It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of
visiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in the
world.
KO. And yet he fled!
MIK. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a
Second Trombone.
KO., POOH., and PITTI. A Second Trombone!
MIK. Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked you
to produce him? He goes by the name of----
KAT. Nanki-Poo.
MIK. Nanki-Poo.
KO. It's quite easy. That is, it's rather difficult. In
point of fact, he's gone abroad!
MIK. Gone abroad! His address.
KO. Knightsbridge!
KAT. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha!
MIK. What's the matter?
KAT. See here--his name--Nanki-Poo--beheaded this morning.
Oh, where shall I find another? Where shall I find another?
[Ko-Ko, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing fall on
their knees.
MIK. (looking at paper). Dear, dear, dear! this is very
tiresome. (To Ko-Ko.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carry
out my wishes you have beheaded the heir to the throne of Japan!
KO. I beg to offer an unqualified apology.
POOH. I desire to associate myself with that expression of
regret.
PITTI. We really hadn't the least notion--
MIK. Of course you hadn't. How could you? Come, come, my
good fellow, don't distress yourself--it was no fault of yours.
If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a Second
Trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses me
to see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved all
he got. (They rise.)
KO. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty----
PITTI. Much obliged, your Majesty.
POOH. Very much obliged, your Majesty.
MIK. Obliged? not a bit. Don't mention it. How could you
tell?
POOH. No, of course we couldn't tell who the gentleman
really was.
PITTI. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know.
KO. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but
Japanese don't use pocket-handkerchiefs! Ha! ha! ha!
MIK. Ha! ha! ha! (To Katisha.) I forget the punishment for
compassing the death of the Heir Apparent.
KO., POOH, and PITTI. Punishment. (They drop down on their
knees again.)
MIK. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I
fancy. Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in
it, but I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but
lingering, with either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come,
don't fret--I'm not a bit angry.
KO. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept our
assurance, we had no idea----
MIK. Of course----
PITTI. I knew nothing about it.
POOH. I wasn't there.
MIK. That's the pathetic part of it. Unfortunately, the
fool of an Act says "compassing the death of the Heir Apparent."
There's not a word about a mistake----
KO., PITTI., and POOH. No!
MIK. Or not knowing----
KO. No!
MIK. Or having no notion----
PITTI. No!
MIK. Or not being there----
POOH. No!
MIK. There should be, of course---
KO., PITTI., and POOH. Yes!
MIK. But there isn't.
KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh!
MIK. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts are always
drawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have it
altered next session. Now, let's see about your execution--will
after luncheon suit you? Can you wait till then?
KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh, yes--we can wait till then!
MIK. Then we'll make it after luncheon.
POOH. I don't want any lunch.
MIK. I'm really very sorry for you all, but it's an unjust
world, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances.
GLEE.
PITTI-SING, KATISHA, KO-KO, POOH-BAH, and MIKADO,
MIK. See how the Fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy--B is not.
Yet B is worthy, I dare say,
Of more prosperity than A!
KO., POOH., and PITTI. Is B more worthy?
KAT. I should say
He's worth a great deal more than A.
ENSEMBLE: Yet A is happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
Ever joyous, ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A!
KO., POOH., and PITTI. If I were Fortune--which I'm not--
B should enjoy A's happy lot,
And A should die in miserie--
That is, assuming I am B.
MIK. and KAT. But should A perish?
KO., POOH., and PITTI. That should be
(Of course, assuming I am B).
B should be happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched meritorious B!
[Exeunt Mikado and
Katisha.
KO. Well, a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding
head and the deference due to a man of pedigree!
POOH. Merely corroborative detail, intended to give
artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing
narrative.
PITTI. Corroborative detail indeed! Corroborative
fiddlestick!
KO. And you're just as bad as he is with your cock--
and-a-bull stories about catching his eye and his whistling an
air. But that's so like you! You must put in your oar!
POOH. But how about your big right arm?
PITTI. Yes, and your snickersnee!
KO. Well, well, never mind that now. There's only one
thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet--he must come to
life again at once. (Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum prepared for
journey.) Here he comes. Here, Nanki-Poo, I've good news for
you--you're reprieved.
NANK. Oh, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm off
for my honeymoon.
KO. Nonsense! A terrible thing has just happened. It
seems you're the son of the Mikado.
NANK. Yes, but that happened some time ago.
KO. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is
here, and with Katisha!
NANK. My father! And with Katisha!
KO. Yes, he wants you particularly.
POOH. So does she.
YUM. Oh, but he's married now.
KO. But, bless my heart! what has that to do with it?
NANK. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can't marry her
because I'm married already--consequently she will insist on my
execution, and if I'm executed, my wife will have to be buried
alive.
YUM. You see our difficulty.
KO. Yes. I don't know what's to be done.
NANK. There's one chance for you. If you could persuade
Katisha to marry you, she would have no further claim on me, and
in that case I could come to life without any fear of being put
to death.
KO. I marry Katisha!
YUM. I really think it's the only course.
KO. But, my good girl, have you seen her? She's something
appalling!
PITTI. Ah! that's only her face. She has a left elbow
which people come miles to see!
POOH. I am told that her right heel is much admired by
connoisseurs.
KO. My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady's
right heel.
NANK. It comes to this: While Katisha is single, I prefer
to be a disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existence
will be as welcome as the flowers in spring.
DUET--NANKI-POO and KO-KO.
(With YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH.)
NANK. The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine--
As we merrily dance and we sing,
Tra la,
We welcome the hope that they bring,
Tra la,
Of a summer of roses and wine.
And that's what we mean when we say that a
thing
Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the
spring.
Tra la la la la la, etc.
ALL. Tra la la la, etc.
KO. The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Have nothing to do with the case.
I've got to take under my wing,
Tra la,
A most unattractive old thing,
Tra la,
With a caricature of a face
And that's what I mean when I say, or I sing,
"Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the spring."
Tra la la la la la, etc.
ALL. Tra la la la, Tra la la la, etc.
[Dance and exeunt Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, Pooh-Bah, Pitti-Sing, and
Ko-Ko.
Enter Katisha.
RECITATIVE and SONG.--KATISHA.
Alone, and yet alive! Oh, sepulchre!
My soul is still my body's prisoner!
Remote the peace that Death alone can give--
My doom, to wait! my punishment, to live!
SONG.
Hearts do not break!
They sting and ache
For old love's sake,
But do not die,
Though with each breath
They long for death
As witnesseth
The living I!
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
Why linger here,
Where all is drear?
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
May not a cheated maiden die?
KO. (entering and approaching her timidly). Katisha!
KAT. The miscreant who robbed me of my love! But vengeance
pursues--they are heating the cauldron!
KO. Katisha--behold a suppliant at your feet!
Katisha--mercy!
KAT. Mercy? Had you mercy on him? See here, you! You
have slain my love. He did not love me, but he would have loved
me in time. I am an acquired taste--only the educated palate can
appreciate me. I was educating his palate when he left me.
Well, he is dead, and where shall I find another? It takes years
to train a man to love me. Am I to go through the weary round
again, and, at the same time, implore mercy for you who robbed me
of my prey--I mean my pupil--just as his education was on the
point of completion? Oh, where shall I find another?
KO. (suddenly, and with great vehemence). Here!--Here!
KAT. What!!!
KO. (with intense passion). Katisha, for years I have
loved you with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surely
consuming my very vitals! Ah, shrink not from me! If there is
aught of woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from a
love-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest
touch! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have
endeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling
the soul within me! But the fire will not be smothered--it
defies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all the
more eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in words
that will not be weighed--that cannot be schooled--that should
not be too severely criticised. Katisha, I dare not hope for
your love--but I will not live without it! Darling!
KAT. You, whose hands still reek with the blood of my
betrothed, dare to address words of passion to the woman you have
so foully wronged!
KO. I do--accept my love, or I perish on the spot!
KAT. Go to! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yet
died of a broken heart!
KO. You know not what you say. Listen!
SONG--KO-KO.
On a tree by a river a little tom-tit
Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit
Singing Willow, titwillow, titwillow'?"
"Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried,
"Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?"
With a shake of his poor little head, he replied,
"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough,
Singing "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow,
Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!
He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave,
Then he plunged himself into the billowy wave,
And an echo arose from the suicide's grave--
"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name
Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow,
That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim
"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
And if you remain callous and obdurate, I
Shall perish as he did, and you will know why,
Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die,
"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
(During this song Katisha has been greatly affected, and at the
end is almost in tears.)
KAT. (whimpering). Did he really die of love?
KO. He really did.
KAT. All on account of a cruel little hen?
KO. Yes.
KAT. Poor little chap!
KO. It's an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew the
bird intimately.
KAT. Did you? He must have been very fond of her.
KO. His devotion was something extraordinary.
KAT. (still whimpering). Poor little chap! And--and if I
refuse you, will you go and do the same?
KO. At once.
KAT. No, no--you mustn't! Anything but that! (Falls on
his breast.) Oh, I'm a silly little goose!
KO. (making a wry face). You are!
KAT. And you won't hate me because I'm just a little teeny
weeny wee bit bloodthirsty, will you?
KO. Hate you? Oh, Katisha! is there not beauty even in
bloodthirstiness?
KAT. My idea exactly.
DUET--KATISHA and KO-KO.
KAT. There is beauty in the bellow of the blast,
There is grandeur in the growling of the gale,
There is eloquent outpouring
When the lion is a-roaring,
And the tiger is a-lashing of his tail!
KO. Yes, I like to see a tiger
From the Congo or the Niger,
And especially when lashing of his tail!
KAT. Volcanoes have a splendor that is grim,
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
But to him who's scientific
There's nothing that's terrific
In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts!
KO. Yes, in spite of all my meekness,
If I have a little weakness,
It's a passion for a flight of thunderbolts!
BOTH. If that is so,
Sing derry down derry!
It's evident, very,
Our tastes are one.
Away we'll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done!
KO. There is beauty in extreme old age--
Do you fancy you are elderly enough?
Information I'm requesting
On a subject interesting:
Is a maiden all the better when she's tough?
KAT. Throughout this wide dominion
It's the general opinion
That she'll last a good deal longer when she's
tough.
KO. Are you old enough to marry, do you think?
Won't you wait till you are eighty in the shade?
There's a fascination frantic
In a ruin that's romantic;
Do you think you are sufficiently decayed?
KAT. To the matter that you mention
I have given some attention,
And I think I am sufficiently decayed.
BOTH. If that is so,
Sing derry down derry!
It's evident, very,
Our tastes are one!
Away we'll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done!
[Exeunt
together.
Flourish. Enter the Mikado, attended by Pish-Tush and Court.
MIK. Now then, we've had a capital lunch, and we're quite
ready. Have all the painful preparations been made?
PISH. Your Majesty, all is prepared.
MIK. Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two
well-meaning but misguided accomplices.
Enter Ko-Ko, Katisha, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing. They throw
themselves
at the Mikado's feet
KAT. Mercy! Mercy for Ko-Ko! Mercy for Pitti-Sing! Mercy
even for Pooh-Bah!
MIK. I beg your pardon, I don't think I quite caught that
remark.
POOH. Mercy even for Pooh-Bah.
KAT. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead, and
I have just married this miserable object.
MIK. Oh! You've not been long about it!
KO. We were married before the Registrar.
POOH. I am the Registrar.
MIK. I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain
the Heir Apparent----
Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum. They kneel.
NANK. The Heir Apparent is not slain.
MIK. Bless my heart, my son!
YUM. And your daughter-in-law elected!
KAT. (seizing Ko-Ko). Traitor, you have deceived me!
MIK. Yes, you are entitled to a little explanation, but I
think he will give it better whole than in pieces.
KO. Your Majesty, it's like this: It is true that I stated
that I had killed Nanki-Poo----
MIK. Yes, with most affecting particulars.
POOH. Merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic
verisimilitude to a bald and----
KO. Will you refrain from putting in your oar? (To
Mikado.) It's like this: When your Majesty says, "Let a thing be
done," it's as good as done--practically, it is done--because
your Majesty's will is law. Your Majesty says, "Kill a
gentleman," and a gentleman is told off to be killed.
Consequently, that gentleman is as good as dead--practically, he
is dead--and if he is dead, why not say so?
MIK. I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory!
FINALE.
PITTI. For he's gone and married Yum-Yum--
ALL. Yum-Yum!
PITTI. Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb--
ALL. Cumb--cumb.
PITTI. And join our expressions of glee!
KO. On this subject I pray you be dumb--
ALL. Dumb--dumb!
KO. Your notions, though many,
Are not worth a penny,
The word for your guidance is "Mum"--
ALL. Mum--Mum!
KO. You've a very good bargain in me.
ALL. On this subject we pray you be dumb--
Dumb--dumb!
We think you had better succumb--
Cumb--cumb!
You'll find there are many
Who'll wed for a penny,
There are lots of good fish in the sea.
YUM. and NANK. The threatened cloud has passed away,
And brightly shines the dawning day;
What though the night may come too soon,
We've years and years of afternoon!
ALL. Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,
With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our new career!
Then let the throng, etc.
CURTAIN.
THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE
OR
THE SLAVE OF DUTY
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
MAJOR-GENERAL STANLEY
THE PIRATE KING
SAMUEL (his Lieutenant)
SERGEANT OF POLICE
MABEL, EDITH, KATE, and ISABEL (General Stanley's Daughters)
RUTH (a Pirate Maid of all Work)
Chorus of Pirates, Police, and General Stanley's Daughters
ACT I
A rocky sea-shore on the coast of Cornwall
ACT II
A ruined chapel by moonlight
First produced at the Op-ra Comique on April 3, 1880
ACT I
(Scene.-A rocky seashore on the coast of Cornwall. In the
distance is a calm sea, on which a schooner is lying at anchor.
Rock L. sloping down to L.C. of stage. Under these rocks is a
cavern, the entrance to which is seen at first entrance L. A
natural arch of rock occupies the R.C. of the stage. As the
curtain rises groups of pirates are discovered -- some drinking,
some playing cards. SAMUEL, the Pirate Lieutenant, is going from
one group to another, filling the cups from a flask. FREDERIC is
seated in a despondent attitude at the back of the scene. RUTH
kneels at his feet.)
OPENING CHORUS
ALL: Pour, O pour the pirate sherry;
Fill, O fill the pirate glass;
And, to make us more than merry
Let the pirate bumper pass.
SAMUEL: For today our pirate 'prentice
Rises from indentures freed;
Strong his arm, and keen his scent is
He's a pirate now indeed!
ALL: Here's good luck to Fred'ric's ventures!
Fred'ric's out of his indentures.
SAMUEL: Two and twenty, now he's rising,
And alone he's fit to fly,
Which we're bent on signalizing
With unusual revelry.
ALL: Here's good luck to Fred'ric's ventures!
Fred'ric's out of his indentures.
Pour, O pour the pirate sherry;
Fill, O fill the pirate glass;
And, to make us more than merry
Let the pirate bumper pass.
(FREDERIC rises and comes forward with PIRATE KING, who enters)
KING: Yes, Frederic, from to-day you rank as a full-blown
member of our band.
ALL: Hurrah!
FREDERIC: My friends, I thank you all, from my heart, for your
kindly wishes. Would that I could repay them as they
deserve!
KING: What do you mean?
FREDERIC: To-day I am out of my indentures, and to-day I leave
you for ever.
KING: But this is quite unaccountable; a keener hand at
scuttling a Cunarder or cutting out a White Star never
shipped a handspike.
FREDERIC: Yes, I have done my best for you. And why? It was my
duty under my indentures, and I am the slave of duty.
As a child I was regularly apprenticed to your band.
It was through an error -- no matter, the mistake was
ours, not yours, and I was in honour bound by it.
SAMUEL: An error? What error? (RUTH rises and comes forward)
FREDERIC: I may not tell you; it would reflect upon my well-loved
Ruth.
RUTH: Nay, dear master, my mind has long been gnawed by the
cankering tooth of mystery. Better have it out at
once.
SONG -- RUTH
RUTH: When Frederic was a little lad he proved so brave and
daring,
His father thought he'd 'prentice him to some career
seafaring.
I was, alas! his nurs'rymaid, and so it fell to my lot
To take and bind the promising boy apprentice to a
pilot --
A life not bad for a hardy lad, though surely not a
high lot,
Though I'm a nurse, you might do worse than make your
boy a pilot.
I was a stupid nurs'rymaid, on breakers always
steering,
And I did not catch the word aright, through being hard
of hearing;
Mistaking my instructions, which within my brain did
gyrate,
I took and bound this promising boy apprentice to a
pirate.
A sad mistake it was to make and doom him to a vile
lot.
I bound him to a pirate -- you! -- instead of to a
pilot.
I soon found out, beyond all doubt, the scope of this
disaster,
But I hadn't the face to return to my place, and break
it to my master.
A nurs'rymaid is not afraid of what you people call
work,
So I made up my mind to go as a kind of piratical maidof-
all-work.
And that is how you find me now, a member of your shy
lot,
Which you wouldn't have found, had he been bound
apprentice to a pilot.
RUTH: Oh, pardon! Frederic, pardon! (Kneels)
FREDERIC: Rise, sweet one, I have long pardoned you. (Ruth
rises)
RUTH: The two words were so much alike!
FREDERIC: They were. They still are, though years have rolled
over their heads. But this afternoon my obligation
ceases. Individually, I love you all with affection
unspeakable; but, collectively, I look upon you with a
disgust that amounts to absolute detestation. Oh! pity
me, my beloved friends, for such is my sense of duty
that, once out of my indentures, I shall feel myself
bound to devote myself heart and soul to your
extermination!
ALL: Poor lad -- poor lad! (All weep)
KING: Well, Frederic, if you conscientiously feel that it is
your duty to destroy us, we cannot blame you for acting
on that conviction. Always act in accordance with the
dictates of your conscience, my boy, and chance the
consequences.
SAMUEL: Besides, we can offer you but little temptation to
remain with us. We don't seem to make piracy pay. I'm
sure I don't know why, but we don't.
FREDERIC: I know why, but, alas! I mustn't tell you; it wouldn't
be right.
KING: Why not, my boy? It's only half-past eleven, and you
are one of us until the clock strikes twelve.
SAMUEL: True, and until then you are bound to protect our
interests.
ALL: Hear, hear!
FREDERIC: Well, then, it is my duty, as a pirate, to tell you
that you are too tender-hearted. For instance, you
make a point of never attacking a weaker party than
yourselves, and when you attack a stronger party you
invariably get thrashed.
KING: There is some truth in that.
FREDERIC: Then, again, you make a point of never molesting an
orphan!
SAMUEL: Of course: we are orphans ourselves, and know what it
is.
FREDERIC: Yes, but it has got about, and what is the consequence?
Every one we capture says he's an orphan. The last
three ships we took proved to be manned entirely by
orphans, and so we had to let them go. One would think
that Great Britain's mercantile navy was recruited
solely from her orphan asylums -- which we know is not
the case.
SAMUEL: But, hang it all! you wouldn't have us absolutely
merciless?
FREDERIC: There's my difficulty; until twelve o'clock I would,
after twelve I wouldn't. Was ever a man placed in so
delicate a situation?
RUTH: And Ruth, your own Ruth, whom you love so well, and who
has won her middle-aged way into your boyish heart,
what is to become of her?
KING: Oh, he will take you with him.
FREDERIC: Well, Ruth, I feel some difficulty about you. It is
true that I admire you very much, but I have been
constantly at sea since I was eight years old, and
yours is the only woman's face I have seen during that
time. I think it is a sweet face.
RUTH: It is -- oh, it is!
FREDERIC: I say I think it is; that is my impression. But as I
have never had an opportunity of comparing you with
other women, it is just possible I may be mistaken.
KING: True.
FREDERIC: What a terrible thing it would be if I were to marry
this innocent person, and then find out that she is, on
the whole, plain!
KING: Oh, Ruth is very well, very well indeed.
SAMUEL: Yes, there are the remains of a fine woman about Ruth.
FREDERIC: Do you really think so?
SAMUEL: I do.
FREDERIC: Then I will not be so selfish as to take her from you.
In justice to her, and in consideration for you, I will
leave her behind. (Hands RUTH to KING)
KING: No, Frederic, this must not be. We are rough men, who
lead a rough life, but we are not so utterly heartless
as to deprive thee of thy love. I think I am right in
saying that there is not one here who would rob thee of
this inestimable treasure for all the world holds dear.
ALL: (loudly) Not one!
KING: No, I thought there wasn't. Keep thy love, Frederic,
keep thy love. (Hands her back to FREDERIC)
FREDERIC: You're very good, I'm sure. (Exit RUTH)
KING: Well, it's the top of the tide, and we must be off.
Farewell, Frederic. When your process of extermination
begins, let our deaths be as swift and painless as you
can conveniently make them.
FREDERIC: I will! By the love I have for you, I swear it! Would
that you could render this extermination unnecessary by
accompanying me back to civilization!
KING: No, Frederic, it cannot be. I don't think much of our
profession, but, contrasted with respectability, it is
comparatively honest. No, Frederic, I shall live and
die a Pirate King.
SONG -- PIRATE KING
KING: Oh, better far to live and die
Under the brave black flag I fly,
Than play a sanctimonious part
With a pirate head and a pirate heart.
Away to the cheating world go you,
Where pirates all are well-to-do;
But I'll be true to the song I sing,
And live and die a Pirate King.
For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!
For I am a Pirate King!
ALL: You are!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
KING: And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King.
ALL: It is!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
KING: When I sally forth to seek my prey
I help myself in a royal way.
I sink a few more ships, it's true,
Than a well-bred monarch ought to do;
But many a king on a first-class throne,
If he wants to call his crown his own,
Must manage somehow to get through
More dirty work than e'er I do,
For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!
For I am a Pirate King!
ALL: You are!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
KING: And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King.
ALL: It is!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
(Exeunt all except FREDERIC. Enter RUTH.)
RUTH: Oh, take me with you! I cannot live if I am left
behind.
FREDERIC: Ruth, I will be quite candid with you. You are very
dear to me, as you know, but I must be circumspect.
You see, you are considerably older than I. A lad of
twenty-one usually looks for a wife of seventeen.
RUTH: A wife of seventeen! You will find me a wife of a
thousand!
FREDERIC: No, but I shall find you a wife of forty-seven, and
that is quite enough. Ruth, tell me candidly and
without reserve: compared with other women, how are
you?
RUTH: I will answer you truthfully, master: I have a slight
cold, but otherwise I am quite well.
FREDERIC: I am sorry for your cold, but I was referring rather to
your personal appearance. Compared with other women,
are you beautiful?
RUTH: (bashfully) I have been told so, dear master.
FREDERIC: Ah, but lately?
RUTH: Oh, no; years and years ago.
FREDERIC: What do you think of yourself?
RUTH: It is a delicate question to answer, but I think I am a
fine woman.
FREDERIC: That is your candid opinion?
RUTH: Yes, I should be deceiving you if I told you otherwise.
FREDERIC: Thank you, Ruth. I believe you, for I am sure you
would not practice on my inexperience. I wish to do
the right thing, and if- I say if- you are really a
fine woman, your age shall be no obstacle to our union!
(Shakes hands with her. Chorus of girls heard in the
distance, "climbing over rocky mountain," etc.) Hark!
Surely I hear voices! Who has ventured to approach our
all but inaccessible lair? Can it be Custom House? No,
it does not sound like Custom House.
RUTH: (aside) Confusion! it is the voices of young girls!
If he should see them I am lost.
FREDERIC: (looking off) By all that's marvellous, a bevy of
beautiful maidens!
RUTH: (aside) Lost! lost! lost!
FREDERIC: How lovely, how surpassingly lovely is the plainest of
them! What grace- what delicacy- what refinement! And
Ruth-- Ruth told me she was beautiful!
RECITATIVE
FREDERIC: Oh, false one, you have deceived me!
RUTH: I have deceived you?
FREDERIC: Yes, deceived me!
(Denouncing her.)
FREDERIC: You told me you were fair as gold!
RUTH: (wildly) And, master, am I not so?
FREDERIC: And now I see you're plain and old.
RUTH: I'm sure I'm not a jot so.
FREDERIC: Upon my innocence you play.
RUTH: I'm not the one to plot so.
FREDERIC: Your face is lined, your hair is grey.
RUTH: It's gradually got so.
FREDERIC: Faithless woman, to deceive me,
I who trusted so!
RUTH: Master, master, do not leave me!
Hear me, ere you go!
My love without reflecting,
Oh, do not be rejecting!
Take a maiden tender, her affection raw and green,
At very highest rating,
Has been accumulating
Summers seventeen, summers seventeen.
Don't, beloved master,
Crush me with disaster.
What is such a dower to the dower I have here?
My love unabating
Has been accumulating
Forty-seven year--forty-seven year!
ENSEMBLE
RUTH FREDERIC
Don't, beloved master, Yes, your former master
Crush me with disaster. Saves you from disaster.
What is such a dower to the Your love would be uncomfortably
dower I have here fervid, it is clear
My love unabating If, as you are stating
Has been accumulating It's been accumulating
Forty-seven year, forty-seven Forty-seven year--forty-seven year!
year! Faithless woman to deceive me, I
who trusted so!
Master, master, do not leave Faithless woman to deceive me, I
me, hear me, ere I go! who trusted so!
RECIT--FREDERIC
What shall I do? Before these gentle maidens
I dare not show in this alarming costume!
No, no, I must remain in close concealment
Until I can appear in decent clothing!
(Hides in cave as they enter climbing over the rocks and through
arched rock)
GIRLS: Climbing over rocky mountain,
Skipping rivulet and fountain,
Passing where the willows quiver,
Passing where the willows quiver
By the ever-rolling river,
Swollen with the summer rain, the summer rain
Threading long and leafy mazes
Dotted with unnumbered daisies,
Dotted, dotted with unnumbered daisies,
Scaling rough and rugged passes,
Climb the hardy little lasses,
Till the bright sea-shore they gain;
Scaling rough and rugged passes,
Climb the hardy little lasses,
Till the bright sea-shore they gain!
EDITH: Let us gaily tread the measure,
Make the most of fleeting leisure,
Hail it as a true ally,
Though it perish by-and-by.
GIRLS: Hail it as a true ally,
Though it perish by-and-by.
EDITH: Every moment brings a treasure
Of its own especial pleasure;
Though the moments quickly die,
Greet them gaily as they fly,
Greet them gaily as they fly.
GIRLS: Though the moments quickly die,
Greet them gaily as they fly.
KATE: Far away from toil and care,
Revelling in fresh sea-air,
Here we live and reign alone
In a world that's all our own.
Here, in this our rocky den,
Far away from mortal men,
We'll be queens, and make decrees--
They may honour them who please.
GIRLS: We'll be queens, and make decrees--
They may honour them who please.
Let us gaily tread the measure, etc.
KATE: What a picturesque spot! I wonder where we are!
EDITH: And I wonder where Papa is. We have left him ever so
far behind.
ISABEL: Oh, he will be here presently! Remember poor Papa is
not as young as we are, and we came over a rather
difficult country.
KATE: But how thoroughly delightful it is to be so entirely
alone! Why, in all probability we are the first human
beings who ever set foot on this enchanting spot.
ISABEL: Except the mermaids--it's the very place for mermaids.
KATE: Who are only human beings down to the waist--
EDITH: And who can't be said strictly to set foot anywhere.
Tails they may, but feet they cannot.
KATE: But what shall we do until Papa and the servants arrive
with the luncheon?
EDITH: We are quite alone, and the sea is as smooth as glass.
Suppose we take off our shoes and stockings and paddle?
ALL: Yes, yes! The very thing! (They prepare to carry, out
the suggestion. They have all taken off one shoe, when
FREDERIC comes forward from cave.)
FREDERIC: (recitative). Stop, ladies, pray!
GIRLS: (Hopping on one foot) A man!
FREDERIC: I had intended
Not to intrude myself upon your notice
In this effective but alarming costume;
But under these peculiar circumstances,
It is my bounden duty to inform you
That your proceedings will not be unwitnessed!
EDITH: But who are you, sir? Speak! (All hopping)
FREDERIC: I am a pirate!
GIRLS: (recoiling, hopping) A pirate! Horror!
FREDERIC: Ladies, do not shun me!
This evening I renounce my vile profession;
And, to that end, O pure and peerless maidens!
Oh, blushing buds of ever-blooming beauty!
I, sore at heart, implore your kind assistance.
EDITH: How pitiful his tale!
KATE: How rare his beauty
GIRLS: How pitiful his tale! How rare his beauty!
SONG--FREDERIC
Oh, is there not one maiden breast
Which does not feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Subordinate to sense of duty?
Who would not give up willingly
All matrimonial ambition,
To rescue such a one as I
From his unfortunate position?
From his position,
To rescue such an one as I
From his unfortunate position?
GIRLS: Alas! there's not one maiden breast
Which seems to feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Subordinate to sense of duty!
FREDERIC: Oh, is there not one maiden here
Whose homely face and bad complexion
Have caused all hope to disappear
Of ever winning man's affection?
Of such a one, if such there be,
I swear by Heaven's arch above you,
If you will cast your eyes on me,
However plain you be, I'll love you,
However plain you be,
If you will cast your eyes on me,
However plain you be I'll love you,
I'll love you, I'll love, I'll love you!
GIRLS: Alas! there's not one maiden here
Whose homely face and bad complexion
Have caused all hope to disappear
Of ever winning man's affection!
FREDERIC: (in despair) Not one?
GIRLS: No, no-- not one!
FREDERIC: Not one?
GIRLS: No, no!
MABEL: (enters through arch) Yes, one!
Yes, one!
GIRLS: 'Tis Mabel!
MABEL: Yes, 'tis Mabel!
RECIT--MABEL
Oh, sisters, deaf to pity's name,
For shame!
It's true that he has gone astray,
But pray
Is that a reason good and true
Why you
Should all be deaf to pity's name?
GIRLS: (aside): The question is, had he not been
A thing of beauty,
Would she be swayed by quite as keen
A sense of duty?
MABEL: For shame, for shame, for shame!
SONG--MABEL
MABEL: Poor wand'ring one!
Though thou hast surely strayed,
Take heart of grace,
Thy steps retrace,
Poor wand'ring one!
Poor wand'ring one!
If such poor love as mine
Can help thee find
True peace of mind-
Why, take it, it is thine!
GIRLS: Take heart, no danger low'rs;
Take any heart but ours!
MABEL: Take heart, fair days will shine;
Take any heart--take mine!
GIRLS: Take heart; no danger low'rs;
Take any heart-but ours!
MABEL: Take heart, fair days will shine;
Take any heart--take mine!
Poor wand'ring one!, etc.
(MABEL and FREDERIC go to mouth of cave and converse. EDITH
beckons her sisters, who form a semicircle around her.)
EDITH
What ought we to do,
Gentle sisters, say?
Propriety, we know,
Says we ought to stay;
While sympathy exclaims,
"Free them from your tether--
Play at other games--
Leave them here together."
KATE
Her case may, any day,
Be yours, my dear, or mine.
Let her make her hay
While the sun doth shine.
Let us compromise
(Our hearts are not of leather):
Let us shut our eyes
And talk about the weather.
GIRLS: Yes, yes, let's talk about the weather.
Chattering chorus
How beautifully blue the sky,
The glass is rising very high,
Continue fine I hope it may,
And yet it rained but yesterday.
To-morrow it may pour again
(I hear the country wants some rain),
Yet people say, I know not why,
That we shall have a warm July.
To-morrow it may pour again
(I hear the country wants some rain),
Yet people say, I know not why,
That we shall have a warm July.
Enter MABEL and FREDERIC
.During MABEL's solo the GIRLS continue chatter pianissimo, but
listening eagerly all the time.
SOLO--MABEL
Did ever maiden wake
From dream of homely duty,
To find her daylight break
With such exceeding beauty?
Did ever maiden close
Her eyes on waking sadness,
To dream of such exceeding gladness?
FREDERIC: Ah, yes! ah, yes! this is exceeding gladness
GIRLS: How beautifully blue the sky, etc.
SOLO--FREDERIC
.During this, GIRLS continue their chatter pianissimo as before,
but listening intently all the time.
Did ever pirate roll
His soul in guilty dreaming,
And wake to find that soul
With peace and virtue beaming?
ENSEMBLE
FREDERIC MABEL GIRLS
Did ever pirate Did ever maiden wake How beautifully blue
loathed From dream of homely the sky, etc.
Forsake his hideous duty,
mission To find her daylight
To find himself break
betrothed With such exceeding
To lady of position? beauty?
RECIT--FREDERIC
Stay, we must not lose our senses;
Men who stick at no offences
Will anon be here!
Piracy their dreadful trade is;
Pray you, get you hence, young ladies,
While the coast is clear
(FREDERIC and MABEL retire)
GIRLS: No, we must not lose our senses,
If they stick at no offences
We should not be here!
Piracy their dreadful trade is--
Nice companions for young ladies!
Let us disap--.
(During this chorus the PIRATES have entered stealthily, and
formed in a semicircle behind the GIRLS. As the GIRLS move
to go off, each PIRATE seizes a GIRL. KING seizes EDITH and
ISABEL, SAMUEL seizes KATE.)
GIRLS: Too late!
PIRATES: Ha, ha!
GIRLS: Too late!
PIRATES: Ho, ho!
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho!
ENSEMBLE
(Pirates pass in front of (Girls pass in front of
Girls.) Pirates.)
PIRATES GIRLS
Here's a first-rate opportunity We have missed our opportunity
To get married with impunity, Of escaping with impunity;
And indulge in the felicity So farewell to the felicity
Of unbounded domesticity. Of our maiden domesticity!
You shall quickly be We shall quickly be
parsonified, parsonified,
Conjugally matrimonified, Conjugally matrimonified,
By a doctor of divinity By a doctor of divinity,
Who is located in this Who is located in this
vicinity. vicinity.
By a doctor of divinity, By a doctor of divinity,
Who resides in this vicinity, Who resides in this vicinity,
By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor
of divinity, of divinity. of divinity, of divinity.
RECIT
MABEL: (coming forward) Hold, monsters! Ere your pirate
caravanserai
Proceed, against our will, to wed us all,
Just bear in mind that we are Wards in Chancery,
And father is a Major-General!
SAMUEL: (cowed) We'd better pause, or danger may befall,
Their father is a Major-General.
GIRLS: Yes, yes; he is a Major-General!
(The MAJOR-GENERAL has entered unnoticed, on the rock)
GENERAL: Yes, yes, I am a Major-General!
SAMUEL: For he is a Major-General!
ALL: He is! Hurrah for the Major-General!
GENERAL: And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Major-General!
ALL: It is! Hurrah for the Major-General!
Hurrah for the Major-General!
SONG--MAJOR-GENERAL
I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights
historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters
mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and
quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the
hypotenuse.
ALL: With many cheerful facts, etc.
GENERAL: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.
GENERAL: I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir
Caradoc's;
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for
paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and
Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of
Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's
din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense
Pinafore.
ALL: And whistle all the airs, etc.
GENERAL: Then I can write a washing bill in
Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.
GENERAL: In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and
"ravelin",
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more
wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by
"commissariat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in
modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery-
-
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy,
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.
ALL: You'll say a better Major-General, etc.
GENERAL: For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and
adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the
century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
ALL: But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.
GENERAL: And now that I've introduced myself, I should like to
have some idea of what's going on.
KATE: Oh, Papa-- we---
SAMUEL: Permit me, I'll explain in two words: we propose to
marry your daughters.
GENERAL: Dear me!
GIRLS: Against our wills, Papa--against our wills!
GENERAL: Oh, but you mustn't do that! May I ask-- this is a
picturesque uniform, but I'm not familiar with it.
What are you?
KING: We are all single gentlemen.
GENERAL: Yes, I gathered that. Anything else?
KING: No, nothing else.
EDITH: Papa, don't believe them; they are pirates-- the
famous Pirates of Penzance!
GENERAL: The Pirates of Penzance! I have often heard of them.
MABEL: All except this gentleman (indicating FREDERIC), who
was a pirate once, but who is out of his indentures today,
and who means to lead a blameless life evermore.
GENERAL: But wait a bit. I object to pirates as sons-in-law.
KING: We object to major-generals as fathers-in-law. But we
waive that point. We do not press it. We look over it.
GENERAL: (aside) Hah! an idea! (aloud) And do you mean to say
that you would deliberately rob me of these, the sole
remaining props of my old age, and leave me to go
through the remainder of my life unfriended,
unprotected, and alone?
KING: Well, yes, that's the idea.
GENERAL: Tell me, have you ever known what it is to be an
orphan?
PIRATES: (disgusted) Oh, dash it all!
KING: Here we are again!
GENERAL: I ask you, have you ever known what it is to be an
orphan?
KING: Often!
GENERAL: Yes, orphan. Have you ever known what it is to be one?
KING: I say, often.
ALL: (disgusted) Often, often, often. (Turning away)
GENERAL: I don't think we quite understand one another. I ask
you, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan,
and you say "orphan". As I understand you, you are
merely repeating the word "orphan" to show that you
understand me.
KING: I didn't repeat the word often.
GENERAL: Pardon me, you did indeed.
KING: I only repeated it once.
GENERAL: True, but you repeated it.
KING: But not often.
GENERAL: Stop! I think I see where we are getting confused.
When you said "orphan", did you mean "orphan",a person
who has lost his parents, or "often", frequently?
KING: Ah! I beg pardon-- I see what you mean -- frequently.
GENERAL: Ah! you said "often", frequently.
KING: No, only once.
GENERAL: (irritated) Exactly-- you said "often", frequently,
only once.
FINALE OF ACT I
GENERAL: Oh, men of dark and dismal fate,
Forgo your cruel employ,
Have pity on my lonely state,
I am an orphan boy!
KING/SAMUEL: An orphan boy?
GENERAL: An orphan boy!
PIRATES: How sad, an orphan boy.
GENERAL: These children whom you see
Are all that I can call my own!
PIRATES: Poor fellow!
GENERAL: Take them away from me,
And I shall be indeed alone.
PIRATES: Poor fellow!
GENERAL: If pity you can feel,
Leave me my sole remaining joy--
See, at your feet they kneel;
Your hearts you cannot steel
Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy!
PIRATES: (sobbing) Poor fellow!
See at our feet they kneel;
Our hearts we cannot steel
Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy!
SAMUEL: The orphan boy!
add KING: The orphan boy!
See at our feet they kneel;
Our hearts we cannot steel
Against the tale of the lonely orphan boy!
PIRATES: Poor fellow!
ENSEMBLE
GENERAL (aside) GIRLS (aside) PIRATES
(aside)
I'm telling a terrible He is telling a terrible If he's telling
a
story story, terrible
story
But it doesn't diminish Which will tend to He shall die by
a death
my glory; diminish his that is gory
For they would have glory; Yes, one of the
taken my daughters Though they would have cruellest
Over the billowy waters, taken his slaughters
daughters That ever were
known in
Over the billowy waters, these
waters;
If I hadn't, in elegant It is easy, in elegant It is easy, in
elegant
diction, diction. diction,
Indulged in an innocent To call it an innocent To call it an
innocent
fiction, fiction, fiction
Which is not in the same But it comes in the same But it comes in
the same
category category category
As a regular terrible As telling a regular As telling a
regular
story. terrible story. terrible
story.
KING: Although our dark career
Sometimes involves the crime of stealing,
We rather think that we're
Not altogether void of feeling.
Although we live by strife,
We're always sorry to begin it,
For what, we ask, is life
Without a touch of Poetry in it?
(all kneel)
ALL: Hail, Poetry, thou heav'n-born maid!
Thou gildest e'en the pirate's trade.
Hail, flowing fount of sentiment!
All hail, all hail, divine emollient!
(all rise)
KING: You may go, for you're at liberty, our pirate rules
protect you,
And honorary members of our band we do elect you!
SAMUEL: For he is an orphan boy!
CHORUS: He is! Hurrah for the orphan boy!
GENERAL: And it sometimes is a useful thing
To be an orphan boy.
CHORUS: It is! Hurrah for the orphan boy!
Hurrah for the orphan boy!
ENSEMBLE: Oh, happy day, with joyous glee
They will away and married be!
Should it befall auspiciously,
Her (Our) sisters all will bridesmaids be!
(RUTH enters and comes down to FREDERIC)
RUTH: Oh, master, hear one word, I do implore you!
Remember Ruth, your Ruth, who kneels before you!
PIRATES: Yes, yes, remember Ruth, who kneels before you!
FREDERIC: Away, you did deceive me!
PIRATES: (Threatening RUTH) Away, you did deceive him!
RUTH: Oh, do not leave me!
PIRATES: Oh, do not leave her!
FREDERIC: Away, you grieve me!
PIRATES: Away, you grieve him!
FREDERIC: I wish you'd leave me! (FREDERIC casts RUTH from him)
PIRATES: We wish you'd leave him!
ENSEMBLE
MEN WOMEN
Pray observe the magnanimity Pray observe the magnanimity
We display to lace and dimity! They display to lace and
dimity!
Never was such opportunity Never was such opportunity
To get married with impunity, To get married with impunity,
But we give up the felicity But they give up the felicity
Of unbounded domesticity, Of unbounded domesticity,
Though a doctor of divinity Though a doctor of divinity
Is located in this vicinity. Is located in this vicinity.
(GIRLS and MAJOR-GENERAL go up rocks, while PIRATES indulge in a
wild dance of delight on stage. The MAJOR-GENERAL produces
a British flag, and the PIRATE KING, in arched rock,
produces a black flag with skull and crossbones. Enter
RUTH, who makes a final appeal to FREDERIC, who casts her
from him.)
END OF ACT I
ACT II
(Scene.-A ruined chapel by moonlight. Aisles C., R. and L.,
divided by pillars and arches, ruined Gothic windows at
back. MAJOR-GENERAL STANLEY discovered seated R.C.
pensively, surrounded by his daughters.)
CHORUS
Oh, dry the glist'ning tear
That dews that martial cheek,
Thy loving children hear,
In them thy comfort seek.
With sympathetic care
Their arms around thee creep,
For oh, they cannot bear
To see their father weep!
(Enter MABEL)
SOLO--MABEL
Dear father, why leave your bed
At this untimely hour,
When happy daylight is dead,
And darksome dangers low'r?
See, heav'n has lit her lamp,
The midnight hour is past,
And the chilly night-air is damp,
And the dews are falling fast!
Dear father, why leave your bed
When happy daylight is dead?
GIRLS: Oh, dry the glist'ning tear, etc.
(FREDERIC enters)
MABEL: Oh, Frederic, cannot you, in the calm excellence of
your wisdom, reconcile it with your conscience to say
something that will relieve my father's sorrow?
FREDERIC: I will try, dear Mabel. But why does he sit, night
after night, in this draughty old ruin?
GENERAL: Why do I sit here? To escape from the pirates'
clutches, I described myself as an orphan; and, heaven
help me, I am no orphan! I come here to humble myself
before the tombs of my ancestors, and to implore their
pardon for having brought dishonour on the family
escutcheon.
FREDERIC: But you forget, sir, you only bought the property a
year ago, and the stucco on your baronial castle is
scarcely dry.
GENERAL: Frederic, in this chapel are ancestors: you cannot deny
that. With the estate, I bought the chapel and its
contents. I don't know whose ancestors they were, but
I know whose ancestors they are, and I shudder to think
that their descendant by purchase (if I may so describe
myself) should have brought disgrace upon what, I have
no doubt, was an unstained escutcheon.
FREDERIC: Be comforted. Had you not acted as you did, these
reckless men would assuredly have called in the nearest
clergyman, and have married your large family on the
spot.
GENERAL: I thank you for your proffered solace, but it is
unavailing. I assure you, Frederic, that such is the
anguish and remorse I feel at the abominable falsehood
by which I escaped these easily deluded pirates, that I
would go to their simple-minded chief this very night
and confess all, did I not fear that the consequences
would be most disastrous to myself. At what time does
your expedition march against these scoundrels?
FREDERIC: At eleven, and before midnight I hope to have atoned
for my involuntary association with the pestilent
scourges by sweeping them from the face of the earth--
and then, dear Mabel, you will be mine!
GENERAL: Are your devoted followers at hand?
FREDERIC: They are, they only wait my orders.
RECIT--GENERAL
Then, Frederic, let your escort lion-hearted
Be summoned to receive a gen'ral's blessing,
Ere they depart upon their dread adventure.
FREDERIC: Dear, sir, they come.
(Enter POLICE, marching in single file. They form in line, facing
audience.)
SONG--SERGEANT
When the foeman bares his steel,
Tarantara! tarantara!
We uncomfortable feel,
Tarantara!
And we find the wisest thing,
Tarantara! tarantara!
Is to slap our chests and sing,
Tarantara!
For when threatened with -meutes,
Tarantara! tarantara!
And your heart is in your boots,
Tarantara!
There is nothing brings it round
Like the trumpet's martial sound,
Like the trumpet's martial sound
Tarantara! tarantara!, etc.
MABEL: Go, ye heroes, go to glory,
Though you die in combat gory,
Ye shall live in song and story.
Go to immortality!
Go to death, and go to slaughter;
Die, and every Cornish daughter
With her tears your grave shall water.
Go, ye heroes, go and die!
GIRLS: Go, ye heroes, go and die! Go, ye heroes, go and die!
POLICE: Though to us it's evident,
Tarantara! tarantara!
These attentions are well meant,
Tarantara!
Such expressions don't appear,
Tarantara! tarantara!
Calculated men to cheer
Tarantara!
Who are going to meet their fate
In a highly nervous state.
Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!
Still to us it's evident
These attentions are well meant.
Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!
EDITH: Go and do your best endeavour,
And before all links we sever,
We will say farewell for-ever.
Go to glory and the grave!
GIRLS: For your foes are fierce and ruthless,
False, unmerciful, and truthless;
Young and tender, old and toothless,
All in vain their mercy crave.
SERGEANT: We observe too great a stress,
On the risks that on us press,
And of reference a lack
To our chance of coming back.
Still, perhaps it would be wise
Not to carp or criticise,
For it's very evident
These attentions are well meant.
POLICE: Yes, it's very evident
These attentions are well meant,
Evident, yes, well meant, evident
Ah, yes, well meant!
ENSEMBLE
Chorus of all but Police Chorus of Police
Go and do your best endeavour, Such expressions don't
appear,
And before all links we sever Tarantara,
tarantara!
We will say farewell for ever. Calculated men to cheer,
Go to glory and the grave! Tarantara!
For your foes and fierce and Who are going to their fate,
ruthless, Tarantara,
tarantara!
False, unmerciful, and In a highly nervous state--
truthless. Tarantara!
Young and tender, old and We observe too great a
stress,
toothless, Tarantara,
tarantara!
All in vain their mercy crave. On the risks that on us
press,
Tarantara!
And of reference a lack,
Tarantara,
tarantara!
To our chance of coming back,
Tarantara!
GENERAL: Away, away!
POLICE: (without moving) Yes, yes, we go.
GENERAL: These pirates slay.
POLICE: Tarantara!
GENERAL: Then do not stay.
POLICE: Tarantara!
GENERAL: Then why this delay?
POLICE: All right, we go.
ALL: Yes, forward on the foe!
Yes, forward on the foe!
GENERAL: Yes, but you don't go!
POLICE: We go, we go
ALL: Yes, forward on the foe!
Yes, forward on the foe!
GENERAL: Yes, but you don't go!
POLICE: We go, we go
ALL: At last they go!
At last they really go!
(Exeunt POLICE. MABEL tears herself from FREDERIC and exits,
followed by her sisters, consoling her. The MAJOR-GENERAL
and others follow the POLICE off. FREDERIC remains alone.)
RECIT-FREDERIC
Now for the pirates' lair! Oh, joy unbounded!
Oh, sweet relief! Oh, rapture unexampled!
At last I may atone, in some slight measure,
For the repeated acts of theft and pillage
Which, at a sense of duty's stern dictation,
I, circumstance's victim, have been guilty!
(PIRATE KING and RUTH appear at the window, armed.)
KING: Young Frederic! (Covering him with pistol)
FREDERIC: Who calls?
KING: Your late commander!
RUTH: And I, your little Ruth! (Covering him with pistol)
FREDERIC: Oh, mad intruders,
How dare ye face me? Know ye not, oh rash ones,
That I have doomed you to extermination?
(KING and RUTH hold a pistol to each ear)
KING: Have mercy on us! hear us, ere you slaughter!
FREDERIC: I do not think I ought to listen to you.
Yet, mercy should alloy our stern resentment,
And so I will be merciful-- say on!
TRIO--RUTH, KING, and FREDERIC
RUTH: When you had left our pirate fold,
We tried to raise our spirits faint,
According to our custom old,
With quips and quibbles quaint.
But all in vain the quips we heard,
We lay and sobbed upon the rocks,
Until to somebody occurred
A startling paradox.
FREDERIC: A paradox?
KING: (laughing) A paradox!
RUTH: A most ingenious paradox!
We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks,
But none to beat this paradox!
A paradox, a paradox,
A most ingenious paradox!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ha! ha! ha! ha!
KING: We knew your taste for curious quips,
For cranks and contradictions queer;
And with the laughter on our lips,
We wished you there to hear.
We said, "If we could tell it him,
How Frederic would the joke enjoy!"
And so we've risked both life and limb
To tell it to our boy.
FREDERIC: (interested). That paradox? That paradox?
KING and RUTH: (laughing) That most ingenious paradox!
We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks,
But none to beat this paradox!
A paradox, a paradox,
A most ingenious paradox!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho! ho! ho!
CHANT--KING
For some ridiculous reason, to which, however, I've no desire to
be disloyal,
Some person in authority, I don't know who, very likely the
Astronomer Royal,
Has decided that, although for such a beastly month as February,
twenty-eight days as a rule are plenty,
One year in every four his days shall be reckoned as nine andtwenty.
Through some singular coincidence-- I shouldn't be surprised if
it were owing to the agency of an ill-natured fairy--
You are the victim of this clumsy arrangement, having been born
in leap-year, on the twenty-ninth of February;
And so, by a simple arithmetical process, you'll easily discover,
That though you've lived twenty-one years, yet, if we go by
birthdays, you're only five and a little bit over!
RUTH: Ha! ha! ha! ha!
KING: Ho! ho! ho! ho!
FREDERIC: Dear me!
Let's see! (counting on fingers)
Yes, yes; with yours my figures do agree!
ALL: Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! ho! ho!
FREDERIC: (more amused than any) How quaint the ways of Paradox!
At common sense she gaily mocks!
Though counting in the usual way,
Years twenty-one I've been alive,
Yet, reck'ning by my natal day,
Yet, reck'ning by my natal day,
I am a little boy of five!
RUTH/KING: He is a little boy of five!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
ALL: A paradox, a paradox,
A most ingenious paradox!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! , etc.
(RUTH and KING throw themselves back on seats, exhausted with
laughter)
FREDERIC: Upon my word, this is most curious-- most absurdly
whimsical. Five-and-a-quarter! No one would think it
to look at me!
RUTH: You are glad now, I'll be bound, that you spared us.
You would never have forgiven yourself when you
discovered that you had killed two of your comrades.
FREDERIC: My comrades?
KING: (rises) I'm afraid you don't appreciate the delicacy
of your position: You were apprenticed to us--
FREDERIC: Until I reached my twenty-first year.
KING: No, until you reached your twenty-first birthday
(producing document), and, going by birthdays, you are
as yet only five-and-a-quarter.
FREDERIC: You don't mean to say you are going to hold me to that?
KING: No, we merely remind you of the fact, and leave the
rest to your sense of duty.
RUTH: Your sense of duty!
FREDERIC: (wildly) Don't put it on that footing! As I was
merciful to you just now, be merciful to me! I implore
you not to insist on the letter of your bond just as
the cup of happiness is at my lips!
RUTH: We insist on nothing; we content ourselves with
pointing out to you your duty.
KING: Your duty!
FREDERIC: (after a pause) Well, you have appealed to my sense of
duty, and my duty is only too clear. I abhor your
infamous calling; I shudder at the thought that I have
ever been mixed up with it; but duty is before all --
at any price I will do my duty.
KING: Bravely spoken! Come, you are one of us once more.
FREDERIC: Lead on, I follow. (Suddenly) Oh, horror!
KING/RUTH: What is the matter?
FREDERIC: Ought I to tell you? No, no, I cannot do it; and yet,
as one of your band--
KING: Speak out, I charge you by that sense of
conscientiousness to which we have never yet appealed
in vain.
FREDERIC: General Stanley, the father of my Mabel--
KING/RUTH: Yes, yes!
FREDERIC: He escaped from you on the plea that he was an orphan?
KING: He did.
FREDERIC: It breaks my heart to betray the honoured father of the
girl I adore, but as your apprentice I have no
alternative. It is my duty to tell you that General
Stanley is no orphan!
KING/RUTH: What!
FREDERIC: More than that, he never was one!
KING: Am I to understand that, to save his contemptible life,
he dared to practice on our credulous simplicity?
(FREDERIC nods as he weeps) Our revenge shall be swift
and terrible. We will go and collect our band and
attack Tremorden Castle this very night.
FREDERIC: But stay--
KING: Not a word! He is doomed!
TRIO
KING and RUTH: FREDERIC
Away, away! my heart's on fire; Away, away! ere I expire--
I burn, this base deception to I find my duty hard to
do torepay.
day!
This very night my vengeance dire My heart is filled with
anguish dire,
Shall glut itself in gore. It strikes me to the
core.
Away, away! Away, away!
KING: With falsehood foul
He tricked us of our brides.
Let vengeance howl;
The Pirate so decides.
Our nature stern
He softened with his lies,
And, in return,
To-night the traitor dies.
ALL: Yes, yes! to-night the traitor dies!
Yes, yes! to-night the traitor dies!
RUTH: To-night he dies!
KING: Yes, or early to-morrow.
FREDERIC: His girls likewise?
RUTH: They will welter in sorrow.
KING: The one soft spot
RUTH: In their natures they cherish--
FREDERIC: And all who plot
KING: To abuse it shall perish!
ALL: To-night he dies, etc.
(Exeunt KING and RUTH. FREDERIC throws himself on a stone in
blank despair. Enter MABEL.)
RECIT--MABEL
All is prepared, your gallant crew await you.
My Frederic in tears? It cannot be
That lion-heart quails at the coming conflict?
FREDERIC: No, Mabel, no.
A terrible disclosure
Has just been made.
Mabel, my dearly-loved one,
I bound myself to serve the pirate captain
Until I reached my one-and-twentieth birthday--
MABEL: But you are twenty-one?
FREDERIC: I've just discovered
That I was born in leap-year, and that birthday
Will not be reached by me till nineteen forty!
MABEL: Oh, horrible! catastrophe appalling!
FREDERIC: And so, farewell!
MABEL: No, no!
Ah, Frederic, hear me.
DUET--MABEL and FREDERIC
MABEL: Stay, Fred'ric, stay!
They have no legal claim,
No shadow of a shame
Will fall upon thy name.
Stay, Frederic, stay!
FREDERIC: Nay, Mabel, nay!
To-night I quit these walls,
The thought my soul appalls,
But when stern Duty calls,
I must obey.
MABEL: Stay, Fred'ric, stay!
FREDERIC: Nay, Mabel, nay!
MABEL: They have no claim--
FREDERIC: But Duty's name.
The thought my soul appalls,
But when stern Duty calls,
MABEL: Stay, Fred'ric, stay!
FREDERIC: I must obey.
BALLAD--MABEL
Ah, leave me not to pine
Alone and desolate;
No fate seemed fair as mine,
No happiness so great!
And Nature, day by day,
Has sung in accents clear
This joyous roundelay,
"He loves thee-- he is here.
Fa-la, la-la,
Fa-la, la-la.
He loves thee-- he is here.
Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la."
FREDERIC: Ah, must I leave thee here
In endless night to dream,
Where joy is dark and drear,
And sorrow all supreme--
Where nature, day by day,
Will sing, in altered tone,
This weary roundelay,
"He loves thee-- he is gone.
Fa-la, la-la,
Fa-la, la-la.
He loves thee-- he is gone.
Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la."
FREDERIC: In 1940 I of age shall be,
I'll then return, and claim you--I declare it!
MABEL: It seems so long!
FREDERIC: Swear that, till then, you will be true to me.
MABEL: Yes, I'll be strong!
By all the Stanleys dead and gone, I swear it!
ENSEMBLE
Oh, here is love, and here is truth,
And here is food for joyous laughter:
He (she) will be faithful to his (her) sooth
Till we are wed, and even after.
Oh, here is love, etc.
(FREDERIC rushes to window and leaps out)
MABEL: (almost fainting) No, I am brave! Oh, family descent,
How great thy charm, thy sway how excellent!
Come one and all, undaunted men in blue,
A crisis, now, affairs are coming to!
(Enter POLICE, marching in single file)
SERGEANT: Though in body and in mind
POLICE: Tarantara! tarantara!
SERGEANT: We are timidly inclined,
POLICE: Tarantara!
SERGEANT: And anything but blind
POLICE: Tarantara! tarantara!
SERGEANT: To the danger that's behind,
POLICE: Tarantara!
SERGEANT: Yet, when the danger's near,
POLICE: Tarantara! tarantara!
SERGEANT: We manage to appear
POLICE: Tarantara!
SERGEANT: As insensible to fear
As anybody here,
As anybody here.
POLICE: Tarantara! tarantara!, etc.
MABEL: Sergeant, approach! Young Frederic was to have led you
to death and glory.
POLICE: That is not a pleasant way of putting it.
MABEL: No matter; he will not so lead you, for he has allied
himself once more with his old associates.
POLICE: He has acted shamefully!
MABEL: You speak falsely. You know nothing about it. He has
acted nobly.
POLICE: He has acted nobly!
MABEL: Dearly as I loved him before, his heroic sacrifice to
his sense of duty has endeared him to me tenfold; but
if it was his duty to constitute himself my foe, it is
likewise my duty to regard him in that light. He has
done his duty. I will do mine. Go ye and do yours.
(Exit MABEL)
POLICE: Right oh!
SERGEANT: This is perplexing.
POLICE: We cannot understand it at all.
SERGEANT: Still, as he is actuated by a sense of duty--
POLICE: That makes a difference, of course. At the same time,
we repeat, we cannot understand it at all.
SERGEANT: No matter. Our course is clear: we must do our best
to capture these pirates alone. It is most distressing
to us to be the agents whereby our erring fellowcreatures
are deprived of that liberty which is so dear
to us all-- but we should have thought of that before
we joined the force.
POLICE: We should!
SERGEANT: It is too late now!
POLICE: It is!
SOLO AND CHORUS
SERGEANT: When a felon's not engaged in his employment
POLICE: His employment
SERGEANT: Or maturing his felonious little plans,
POLICE: Little plans,
SERGEANT: His capacity for innocent enjoyment
POLICE: 'Cent enjoyment
SERGEANT: Is just as great as any honest man's.
POLICE: Honest man's.
SERGEANT: Our feelings we with difficulty smother
POLICE: 'Culty smother
SERGEANT: When constabulary duty's to be done.
POLICE: To be done.
SERGEANT: Ah, take one consideration with another,
POLICE: With another,
SERGEANT: A policeman's lot is not a happy one.
ALL: Ah, when constabulary duty's to be done, to be
done,
A policeman's lot is not a happy one, happy one.
SERGEANT: When the enterprising burglar's not a-burgling
POLICE: Not a-burgling
SERGEANT: When the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime,
POLICE: 'Pied in crime,
SERGEANT: He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling
POLICE: Brook a-gurgling
SERGEANT: And listen to the merry village chime.
POLICE: Village chime.
SERGEANT: When the coster's finished jumping on his mother,
POLICE: On his mother,
SERGEANT: He loves to lie a-basking in the sun.
POLICE: In the sun.
SERGEANT: Ah, take one consideration with another,
POLICE: With another,
SERGEANT: A policeman's lot is not a happy one.
ALL: Ah, when constabulary duty's to be done, to be
done,
A policeman's lot is not a happy one, happy one.
(Chorus of Pirates without, in the distance)
A rollicking band of pirates we,
Who, tired of tossing on the sea,
Are trying their hand at a burglaree,
With weapons grim and gory.
SERGEANT: Hush, hush! I hear them on the manor poaching,
With stealthy step the pirates are approaching.
(Chorus of Pirates, resumed nearer.)
We are not coming for plate or gold;
A story General Stanley's told;
We seek a penalty fifty-fold,
For General Stanley's story.
POLICE: They seek a penalty
PIRATES: Fifty-fold!
We seek a penalty
POLICE: Fifty-fold!
ALL: They (We) seek a penalty fifty-fold,
For General Stanley's story.
SERGEANT: They come in force, with stealthy stride,
Our obvious course is now--to hide.
POLICE: Tarantara! Tarantara! etc.
(Police conceal themselves in aisle. As they do so, the Pirates,
with RUTH and FREDERIC, are seen appearing at ruined window.
They enter cautiously, and come down stage on tiptoe.
SAMUEL is laden with burglarious tools and pistols, etc.)
CHORUS--PIRATES (very loud)
With cat-like tread,
Upon our prey we steal;
In silence dread,
Our cautious way we feel.
No sound at all!
We never speak a word;
A fly's foot-fall
Would be distinctly heard--
POLICE: (softly) Tarantara, tarantara!
PIRATES: So stealthily the pirate creeps,
While all the household soundly sleeps.
Come, friends, who plough the sea,
Truce to navigation;
Take another station;
Let's vary piracee
With a little burglaree!
POLICE: (softly) Tarantara, tarantara!
SAMUEL: (distributing implements to various members of the
gang)
Here's your crowbar and your centrebit,
Your life-preserver--you may want to hit!
Your silent matches, your dark lantern seize,
Take your file and your skeletonic keys.
POLICE: Tarantara!
PIRATES: With cat-like tread
POLICE: Tarantara!
PIRATES: in silence dread,
(Enter KING, FREDERIC and RUTH)
ALL (fortissimo). With cat-like tread, etc.
RECIT
FREDERIC: Hush, hush! not a word; I see a light inside!
The Major-Gen'ral comes, so quickly hide!
PIRATES: Yes, yes, the Major-General comes!
(Exeunt KING, FREDERIC, SAMUEL, and RUTH)
POLICE: Yes, yes, the Major-General comes!
GENERAL: (entering in dressing-gown, carrying a light)
Yes, yes, the Major-General comes!
SOLO--GENERAL
Tormented with the anguish dread
Of falsehood unatoned,
I lay upon my sleepless bed,
And tossed and turned and groaned.
The man who finds his conscience ache
No peace at all enjoys;
And as I lay in bed awake,
I thought I heard a noise.
MEN: He thought he heard a noise-- ha! ha!
GENERAL: No, all is still
In dale, on hill;
My mind is set at ease--
So still the scene,
It must have been
The sighing of the breeze.
BALLAD--GENERAL
Sighing softly to the river
Comes the loving breeze,
Setting nature all a-quiver,
Rustling through the trees.
MEN: Through the trees.
GENERAL: And the brook, in rippling measure,
Laughs for very love,
While the poplars, in their pleasure,
Wave their arms above.
MEN: Yes, the trees, for very love,
Wave their leafy arms above.
ALL: River, river, little river,
May thy loving prosper ever!
Heaven speed thee, poplar tree,
May thy wooing happy be.
GENERAL: Yet, the breeze is but a rover,
When he wings away,
Brook and poplar mourn a lover
Sighing ,"Well-a-day!"
MEN: Well-a-day!
GENERAL: Ah! the doing and undoing,
That the rogue could tell!
When the breeze is out a-wooing,
Who can woo so well?
MEN: Shocking tales the rogue could tell,
Nobody can woo so well.
ALL: Pretty brook, thy dream is over,
For thy love is but a rover;
Sad the lot of poplar trees,
Courted by a fickle breeze!
(Enter the MAJOR-GENERAL's daughters, led by MABEL, all in white
peignoirs and night-caps, and carrying lighted candles.)
GIRLS: Now what is this, and what is that, and why does father
leave his rest
At such a time of night as this, so very incompletely
dressed?
Dear father is, and always was, the most methodical of
men!
It's his invariable rule to go to bed at half-past ten.
What strange occurrence can it be that calls dear
father from his rest
At such a time of night as this, so very incompletely
dressed?
(Enter KING, SAMUEL, and FREDERIC)
KING: Forward, my men, and seize that General there! His
life is over. (They seize the GENERAL)
GIRLS: The pirates! the pirates! Oh, despair!
PIRATES: (springing up) Yes, we're the pirates, so despair!
GENERAL: Frederic here! Oh, joy! Oh. rapture!
Summon your men and effect their capture!
MABEL: Frederic, save us!
FREDERIC: Beautiful Mabel,
I would if I could, but I am not able.
PIRATES: He's telling the truth, he is not able.
KING: With base deceit
You worked upon our feelings!
Revenge is sweet,
And flavours all our dealings!
With courage rare
And resolution manly,
For death prepare,
Unhappy Gen'ral Stanley.
MABEL: (wildly) Is he to die, unshriven, unannealed?
GIRLS: Oh, spare him!
MABEL: Will no one in his cause a weapon wield?
GIRLS: Oh, spare him!
POLICE: (springing up) Yes, we are here, though hitherto
concealed!
GIRLS: Oh, rapture!
POLICE: So to Constabulary, pirates yield!
GIRLS: Oh, rapture!
(A struggle ensues between Pirates and Police, RUTH tackling the
SERGEANT. Eventually the Police are overcome and fall
prostrate, the Pirates standing over them with drawn
swords.)
CHORUS OF PIRATES AND POLICE
PIRATES POLICE
We triumph now, for well we You triumph now, for well we
trow trow
Your mortal career's cut short; Our mortal career's cut
short;
No pirate band will take its No pirate band will take its
stand stand
At the Central Criminal Court. At the Central Criminal
Court.
SERGEANT: To gain a brief advantage you've contrived,
But your proud triumph will not be long-lived
KING: Don't say you are orphans, for we know that game.
SERGEANT: On your allegiance we've a stronger claim.
We charge you yield, we charge you yield,
In Queen Victoria's name!
KING: (baffled) You do?
POLICE: We do!
We charge you yield,
In Queen Victoria's name!
(PIRATES kneel, POLICE stand over them triumphantly.)
KING: We yield at once, with humbled mien,
Because, with all our faults, we love our Queen.
POLICE: Yes, yes, with all their faults, they love their Queen.
ALL: Yes, yes, with all their faults, they love their Queen.
(POLICE, holding PIRATES by the collar, take out handkerchiefs
and weep.)
GENERAL: Away with them, and place them at the bar!
(Enter RUTH)
RUTH: One moment! let me tell you who they are.
They are no members of the common throng;
They are all noblemen who have gone wrong.
ALL: They are all noblemen who have gone wrong.
GENERAL: No Englishman unmoved that statement hears,
Because, with all our faults, we love our House of
Peers. (All kneel)
I pray you, pardon me, ex-Pirate King!
Peers will be peers, and youth will have its fling.
Resume your ranks and legislative duties,
And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties.
FINALE--MABEL, EDITH and ENSEMBLE
Poor wandering ones!
Though ye have surely strayed,
Take heart of grace,
Your steps retrace,
Poor wandering ones!
Poor wandering ones!
If such poor love as ours
Can help you find
True peace of mind,
Why, take it, it is yours!
ALL: Poor wandering ones! etc.
END OF OPERA
PRINCESS IDA
OR
CASTLE ADAMANT
libretto by William S. Gilbert
music by Arthur S. Sullivan
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
King Hildebrand
Hilarion (His son)
Hilarion's friends:
Cyril
Florian
King Gama
His sons:
Arac
Guron
Scynthius
Princess Ida (Gama's daughter)
Lady Blanche (Professor of Abstract Science)
Lady Psyche (Professor of Humanities)
Melissa (Lady Blanche's Daughter)
Girl Graduates:
Sacharissa
Chloe
Ada
Soldiers, Courtiers, "Girl Graduates," "Daughters of the Plough,"
etc.
ACT I
Pavilion in King Hildebrand's Palace
ACT II
Gardens of Castle Adamant
ACT III
Courtyard of Castle Adamant
ACT I.
SCENE. Pavilion attached to King Hildebrand's Palace.
Soldiers and courtiers discovered looking out through
opera-glasses, telescopes, etc., Florian leading.
CHORUS AND SOLO (Florian)
"Search throughout the panorama"
Chorus: Search throughout the panorama
For a sign of royal Gama,
Who to-day should cross the water
With his fascinating daughter--
Ida is her name.
Some misfortune evidently
Has detained them -- consequently
Search throughout the panorama
For the daughter of King Gama,
Prince Hilarion's flame!
Prince Hilarion's flame!
SOLO - Florian
Florian: Will Prince Hilarion's hopes be sadly blighted?
Chorus: Who can tell? Who can tell?
Florian: Will Ida break the vows that she has plighted?
Chorus: Who can tell? Who can tell?
Florian: Will she back out, and say she did not mean them?
Chorus: Who can tell?
Florian: If so, there'll be the deuce to pay between them!
Chorus: No, no -- we'll not despair, we'll not despair,
For Gama would not dare
To make a deadly foe
Of Hildebrand, and so,
Search through the panorama
For a sign of royal Gama,
Who today should cross the water
With his fascinating daughter--
Ida, Ida is her name.
(Enter King Hildebrand
with Cyril)
Hildebd: See you no sign of Gama?
Florian: None, my liege!
Hildebd: It's very odd indeed. If Gama fail
To put in an appearance at our Court
Before the sun has set in yonder west,
And fail to bring the Princess Ida here
To whom our son Hilarion was betrothed
At the extremely early age of one,
There's war between King Gama and ourselves!
(aside to Cyril)
Oh, Cyril, how I dread this interview!
It's twenty years since he and I have met.
He was a twisted monster -- all awry----
As though Dame Nature, angry with her work,
Had crumpled it in fitful petulance!
Cyril: But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk
Often bears goodly fruit. Perhaps he was
A kind, well-spoken gentleman?
Hildebd: Oh, no!
For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue.
(His "sting" is present, though his "stung" is past.)
Florian: (looking through glass)
But stay, my liege; o'er yonder mountain's brow
Comes a small body, bearing Gama's arms;
And now I look more closely at it, sir,
I see attached to it King Gama's legs;
From which I gather this corollary
That that small body must be Gama's own!
Hildebd: Ha! Is the Princess with him?
Florian: Well, my liege,
Unless her highness is full six feet high,
And wears mustachios too -- and smokes cigars----
And rides en cavalier in coat of steel----
I do not think she is.
Hildebd: One never knows.
She's a strange girl, I've heard, and does odd
things!
Come, bustle there!
For Gama place the richest robes we own----
For Gama place the coarsest prison dress----
For Gama let our best spare bed be aired----
For Gama let our deepest dungeon yawn----
For Gama lay the costliest banquet out----
For Gama place cold water and dry bread!
For as King Gama brings the Princess here,
Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have
Much more than everything -- much less than nothing!
SONG (Hildebrand and Chorus)
"Now Hearken to my Strict Command"
Hildebd: Now hearken to my strict command
On every hand, on every hand----
Chorus: To your command,
On every hand,
We dutifully bow.
Hildebd: If Gama bring the Princess here,
Give him good cheer, give him good cheer.
Chorus: If she come here
We'll give him a cheer,
And we will show you how.
Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
We'll shout and sing
Long live the King,
And his daughter, too, I trow!
Then shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah!
For the fair Princess and her good papa,
Hurrah, hurrah!
Hildebd: But if he fail to keep his troth,
Upon our oath, we'll trounce them both!
Chorus: He'll trounce them both,
Upon his oath,
As sure as quarter-day!
Hildebd: We'll shut him up in a dungeon cell,
And toll his knell on a funeral bell.
Chorus: From his dungeon cell,
His funeral knell
Shall strike him with dismay!
Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
As up we string
The faithless King,
In the old familiar way!
We'll shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah!
As we make an end of her false papa,
Hurrah, hurrah!
(Exeunt all)
(Enter Hilarion)
RECITATIVE AND SONG (Hilarion)
"Today we meet"
RECITATIVE - Hilarion
To-day we meet, my baby bride and I--
But ah, my hopes are balanc'd by my fears!
What transmutations have been conjur'd by
The silent alchemy of twenty years!
BALLAD - Hilarion
Ida was a twelve-month old,
Twenty years ago!
I was twice her age, I'm told,
Twenty years ago!
Husband twice as old as wife
Argues ill for married life
Baleful prophecies were rife,
Twenty years ago,
Twenty years ago!
Still, I was a tiny prince
Twenty years ago.
She has gained upon me, since
Twenty years ago.
Though she's twenty-one, it's true,
I am barely twenty-two--
False and foolish prophets you
Twenty years ago,
Twenty years ago!
(Enter Hildebrand)
Hilarion: Well, father, is there news for me at last?
Hildebd: King Gama is in sight, but much I fear
With no Princess!
Hilarion: Alas, my liege, I've heard,
That Princess Ida has forsworn the world,
And, with a band of women, shut herself
Within a lonely country house, and there
Devotes herself to stern philosophies!
Hildebd: Then I should say the loss of such a wife
Is one to which a reasonable man
Would easily be reconciled.
Hilarion: Oh, no!
Or I am not a reasonable man.
She is my wife -- has been for twenty years!
(Holding glass) I think I see her now.
Hildebd: Ha! Let me look!
Hilarion: In my mind's eye, I mean -- a blushing bride
All bib and tucker, frill and furbelow!
How exquisite she looked as she was borne,
Recumbent, in her foster-mother's arms!
How the bride wept -- nor would be comforted
Until the hireling mother-for-the-nonce
Administered refreshment in the vestry.
And I remember feeling much annoyed
That she should weep at marrying with me.
But then I thought, "These brides are all alike.
You cry at marrying me? How much more cause
You'd have to cry if it were broken off!"
These were my thoughts; I kept them to myself,
For at that age I had not learnt to speak.
(Exeunt Hildebrand
and Hilarion)
(Enter Courtiers)
CHORUS
"From the distant panorama"
Chorus: From the distant panorama
Come the sons of royal Gama.
They are heralds evidently,
And are sacred consequently,
Sons of Gama, hail! oh, hail!
(Enter Arac, Guron, and Scynthius)
TRIO (Arac, Guron, Scynthius and Chorus)
"We are Warriors Three"
SONG - Arac
Arac: We are warriors three,
Sons of Gama, Rex,
Like most sons are we,
Masculine in sex.
All Three: Yes, yes, yes,
Masculine in sex.
Arac: Politics we bar,
They are not our bent;
On the whole we are
Not intelligent.
All Three: No, no, no,
Not intelligent.
Arac: But with doughty heart,
And with trusty blade
We can play our part--
Fighting is our trade.
All Three: Yes, yes, yes,
Fighting is our trade.
Bold and fierce, and strong, ha! ha!
For a war we burn,
With its right or wrong, ha! ha!
We have no concern.
Order comes to fight, ha! ha!
Order is obey'd,
We are men of might, ha! ha!
Fighting is our trade.
Yes -- yes, yes,
Fighting is our trade, ha! ha!
THE THREE PRINCIPALS CHORUS
Fighting is our trade, ha
ha! They are men of might, ha! ha!
Fighting is their trade.
Order comes to fight, ha! ha!
Order is obey'd!
Order comes to fight!
Ha, Ha!
Order is obey'd!
Fighting Fighting
is. Yes, yes, yes, is
Fighting is our trade, ha their
Ha! trade!
(Enter King Gama)
SONG (Gama)
"If you give me your Attention"
Gama: If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I
am:
I'm a genuine philanthropist -- all other kinds are
sham.
Each little fault of temper and each social defect
In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct.
To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes;
And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise;
I love my fellow creatures -- I do all the good I
can--
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
And I can't think why!
To compliments inflated I've a withering reply;
And vanity I always do my best to mortify;
A charitable action I can skillfully dissect;
And interested motives I'm delighted to detect;
I know ev'rybody's income and what ev'rybody earns;
And I carefully compare it with the income-tax
returns;
But to benefit humanity however much I plan,
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
And I can't think why!
I'm sure I'm no ascetic; I'm as pleasant as can be;
You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee,
I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer,
I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer.
To ev'rybody's prejudice I know a thing or two;
I can tell a woman's age in half a minute -- and I do.
But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I
can,
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
And I can't think why!
Chorus: He can't think why!
He can't think why!
(Enter Hildebrand, Hilarion, Cyril and Florian)
Gama: So this is Castle Hildebrand? Well, well!
Dame Rumour whispered that the place was grand;
She told me that your taste was exquisite,
Superb, unparalleled!
Hildebnd: (Gratified) Oh, really, King!
Gama: But she's a liar! Why, how old you've grown!
Is this Hilarion? Why, you've changed too--
You were a singularly handsome child!
(To Florian) Are you a courtier? Come, then ply your trade,
Tell me some lies. How do you like your King?
Vile rumour says he's all but imbecile.
Now, that's not true?
Florian: My lord, we love our King.
His wise remarks are valued by his court
As precious stones.
Gama: And for the self-same cause.
Like precious stones, his sensible remarks
Derive their value from their scarcity!
Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once!
Tell it of me. Come, come, I'll harm you not.
This leg is crooked -- this foot is ill-designed--
This shoulder wears a hump! Come, out with it!
Look, here's my face! Now, am I not the worst
Of Nature's blunders?
Cyril: Nature never errs.
To those who know the workings of your mind,
Your face and figure, sir, suggest a book
Appropriately bound.
Gama: (Enraged) Why, harkye, sir,
How dare you bandy words with me?
Cyril: No need
To bandy aught that appertains to you.
Gama: (Furiously) Do you permit this, King?
Hildebd: We are in doubt
Whether to treat you as an honoured guest
Or as a traitor knave who plights his word
And breaks it.
Gama: (Quickly) If the casting vote's with me,
I give it for the former!
Hildebd: We shall see.
By the terms of our contract, signed and sealed,
You're bound to bring the Princess here to-day:
Why is she not with you?
Gama: Answer me this:
What think you of a wealthy purse-proud man,
Who, when he calls upon a starving friend,
Pulls out his gold and flourishes his notes,
And flashes diamonds in the pauper's eyes?
What name have you for such an one?
Hildebd: A snob.
Gama: Just so. The girl has beauty, virtue, wit,
Grace, humour, wisdom, charity and pluck.
Would it be kindly, think you, to parade
These brilliant qualities before your eyes?
Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob!
Hildebd: (Furiously) Stop that tongue,
Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it!
Gama: Bravo! Your King deprives me of my head,
That he and I may meet on equal terms!
Hildebd: Where is she now? (Threatening)
Gama: In Castle Adamant,
One of my many country houses. There
She rules a woman's University,
With full a hundred girls, who learn of her.
Cyril: A hundred girls! A hundred ecstasies!
Gama: But no mere girls, my good young gentleman;
With all the college learning that you boast,
The youngest there will prove a match for you.
Cyril: With all my heart, if she's the prettiest!
(To Florian) Fancy, a hundred matches -- all alight!--
That's if I strike them as I hope to do!
Gama: Despair your hope; their hearts are dead to men.
He who desires to gain their favour must
Be qualified to strike their teeming brains,
And not their hearts. They're safety matches, sir,
And they light only on the knowledge box--
So you've no chance!
Florian: And there are no males whatever in those walls?
Gama: None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails--
And they are driven (as males often are
In other large communities) by women.
Why, bless my heart, she's so particular
She'll hardly suffer Dr. Watts's hymns--
And all the animals she owns are "hers"!
The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn--
Cyril: Ah, then they have male poultry?
Gama: Not at all,
(Confidentially) The crowing's done by an accomplished hen!
FINALE
(Gama, Hildebrand, Cyril, Hilarion, Florian
and Chorus of Girls and Men)
DUET (Gama and Hildebrand)
"P'raps if you Address the Lady"
Gama: P'raps if you address the lady
Most politely, most politely--
Flatter and impress the lady,
Most politely, most politely,--
Humbly beg and humbly sue--
She may deign to look on you,
But your doing you must do
Most politely, most politely, most
politely!
All: Humbly beg and humbly sue,
She may deign to look on you,
But your doing you must do
Most politely, most politely, most
politely!
Hildebd: Go you and inform the lady,
Most politely, most politely,
If she don't, we'll storm the lady
Most politely, most politely!
(To Gama) You'll remain as hostage here;
Should Hillarion disappear,
We will hang you, never fear,
Most politely, most politely, most
politely!
All: He'll [I'll] [You'll] remain as hostage here.
Should Hilarion disappear,
They [We] will hang me [you] never fear,
Most politely, most politely, most
politely!
(Gama, Arac, Guron and Scynthius are marched off in custody,
Hildebrand following)
RECITATIVE -- Hilarion
Come, Cyril, Florian, our course is plain,
To-morrow morn fair Ida we'll engage;
But we will use no force her love to gain,
Nature, nature has arm'd us for the war we
wage!
TRIO -- Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian
Hilarion: Expressive glances
Shall be our lances,
And pops of Sillery
Our light artillery.
We'll storm their bowers
With scented showers
Of fairest flowers
That we can buy!
Chorus: Oh, dainty triolet!
Oh, fragrant violet!
Oh, gentle heigho-let!
(Or little sigh).
On sweet urbanity,
Through mere inanity,
To touch their vanity
We will rely!
Cyril: When day is fading,
With serenading
And such frivolity
We'll prove our quality.
A sweet profusion
Of soft allusion
This bold intrusion
Shall justify,
This bold intrusion
Shall justify.
Chorus: Oh, dainty triolet!
Oh, fragrant violet!
Oh, gentle heigho-let!
(Or little sigh).
On sweet urbanity,
Through mere inanity,
To touch their vanity
We will rely!
Florian: We'll charm their senses
With verbal fences,
With ballads amatory
And declamatory.
Little heeding
Their pretty pleading,
Our love exceeding
We'll justify!
Our love exceeding
We'll justify!
Chorus: Oh, dainty triolet!
Oh, fragrant violet!
Oh, gentle heigho-let!
(Or little sigh).
On sweet urbanity,
Through mere inanity,
To touch their vanity
We will rely!
Sops: Oh dainty Altos, Tenors, and
Basses:
triolet! Oh fragrant Oh
violet! Oh daingentle
ty
heigh-o-let! (Or trilittle
osigh).
let!
Hilarion & Cyril:
Oh dainty Chorus:
triolet! Oh fragrant Oh
violet (Add Florian) Oh fragentle
grant
heigh-o-let! (Or vilittle
osigh).
let!
Sops & Altos: Tenors & Basses:
Oh dainty Oh dainty
triolet! Oh trifragrant
oviolet
let!
All: Oh dainty triolet!
Oh fragrant violet!
(Re-enter Gama, Arac, Guron, and Scynthius heavily ironed, followed
by Hildebrand)
RECITATIVE
Gama: Must we, till then, in prison cell be thrust?
Hildebd: You must!
Gama: This seems unnecessarily severe!
Arac, Guron
& Scyn: Hear, hear!
TRIO - Arac, Guron and Scynthius
For a month to dwell
In a dungeon cell:
Growing thin and wizen
In a solitary prison,
Is a poor look out
For a soldier stout,
Who is longing for the rattle
Of a complicated battle--
For the rum - tum - tum
Of the military drum
And the guns that go boom!
boom!
All: The rum -- tum -- tum
Of the military drum,
Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum
Who is longing for the rattle of a complicated
battle--
For the rum tum tum
Of the military drum!
Prr, prr, prr, ra -- pum -- pum!
Hildebd: When Hilarion's bride
Has at length complied
With the just conditions
Of our requisitions,
You may go in haste
And indulge your taste
For the fascinating rattle
Of a complicated battle--
For the rum - tum - tum,
Of the military drum,
And the guns that go boom! boom!
All: The rum -- tum -- tum
Of the military drum,
Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum!
Who is longing for the rattle
Of a complicated battle
For the rum -- tum -- tum
Of the military drum!
Tum, prr -- prr -- prr ra -- pum, pum!
But til that time you'll [we'll] here remain,
And bail we [they] will not entertain,
Should she our [his] mandate disobey,
Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!
But till that time you'll [we'll] here remain,
And bail we [they] will not entertain.
Should she our [his] mandate disobey,
Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!
Should she our [his] mandate disobey,
Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!
(Gama, Arac, Guron, and Synthius are
marched off.)
END OF ACT I
ACT II
SCENE Gardens in Castle Adamant. A river runs across the
back of the stage, crossed by a rustic bridge. Castle
Adamant in the distance.
Girl Graduates discovered seated at the feet of Lady
Psyche
CHORUS OF GIRLS & SOLOS (Lady Psyche, Melissa and
Sacharissa)
"Towards the empyrean heights"
Chorus: Towards the empyrean heights
Of ev'ry kind of lore,
We've taken several easy flights,
And mean to take some more.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
And all the knowledge we possess,
We mutually impart.
SOLO -- Melissa
Pray, what authors should she read
Who in Classics would succeed?
SOLO -- Psyche
If you'd climb the Helicon,
You should read Anacreon,
Ovid's Metamorphoses,
Likewise Aristophanes,
And the works of Juvenal:
These are worth attention, all;
But, if you will be advised,
You will get them Bowdlerized!
Chorus: Ah! we will get them Bowdlerized!
SOLO -- Sacharissa
Pray you, tell us, if you can,
What's the thing that's known as Man?
SOLO -- Psyche
Man will swear and man will storm--
Man is not at all good form--
Is of no kind of use--
Man's a donkey -- Man's a goose--
Man is coarse and Man is plain--
Man is more or less insane--
Man's a ribald -- Man's a rake,
Man is Nature's sole mistake!
Chorus: We'll a memorandum make--
Man is Nature's sole mistake!
And thus to empyrean height
Of ev'ry kind of lore,
In search of wisdom's pure delight,
Ambitiously we soar.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
For all we know and all we guess
We mutually impart!
And all the knowledge we possess,
We mutually impart,
We mutually impart, impart.
(Enter Lady Blanche. All stand up demurely)
Blanche: Attention, ladies, while I read to you
The Princess Ida's list of punishments.
The first is Sacharissa. She's expelled!
All: Expelled!
Blan.: Expelled, because although she knew
No man of any kind may pass our walls,
She dared to bring a set of chessmen here!
Sach.: (Crying) I meant no harm; they're only men of wood!
Blan.: They're men with whom you give each other mate,
And that's enough! The next is Chloe.
Chloe: Ah!
Blan.: Chloe will lose three terms, for yesterday,
When looking through her drawing-book, I found
A sketch of a perambulator!
All: (Horrified) Oh!
Blan.: Double perambulator ...
All: Oh, oh!
Blan.: ...shameless girl!
That's all at present. Now, attention, pray;
Your Principal the Princess comes to give
Her usual inaugural address
To those young ladies who joined yesterday.
CHORUS OF GIRLS
"Mighty maiden with a mission"
Girls: Mighty maiden with a mission,
Paragon of common sense,
Running fount of erudition,
Miracle of eloquence,
Altos: We are blind and we
would see;
Sops: We are bound, and would be free;
Girls: We are dumb, and we would talk;
We are lame, and we would walk.
(Enter
the Princess)
Mighty maiden with a mission--
Paragon of common sense;
Running found of erudition--
Miracle of eloquence, of eloquence!
RECITATIVE & ARIA (Princess)
"Minerva! Oh, hear Me"
Princess: Minerva! Minerva!
Oh, hear me:
Oh, goddess wise
That lovest light
Endow with sight
Their unillumin'd eyes.
At this my call,
A fervent few
Have come to woo
The rays that from thee fall,
That from thee fall.
Oh, goddess wise
That lovest light,
That lovest light,
Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine,
That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine!
Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine,
That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine,
I may lead them to thy sacred shrine, thy sacred
shrine!
Princess: Women of Adamant, fair Neophytes--
Who thirst for such instruction as we give,
Attend, while I unfold a parable.
The elephant is mightier than Man,
Yet Man subdues him. Why? The elephant
Is elephantine everywhere but here (tapping her
forehead),
And Man, whose brain is to the elephant's
As Woman's brain to Man's - (that's rule of three),--
Conquers the foolish giant of the woods,
As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man.
In Mathematics, Woman leads the way;
The narrow-minded pedant still believes
That two and two make four! Why, we can prove,
We women -- household drudges as we are--
That two and two make five -- or three -- or seven;
Or five and twenty, if the case demands!
Diplomacy? The wiliest diplomat
Is absolutely helpless in our hands.
He wheedles monarchs -- Woman wheedles him!
Logic? Why, tyrant Man himself admits
It's a waste of time to argue with a woman!
Then we excel in social qualities:
Though man professes that he holds our sex
In utter scorn, I venture to believe
He'd rather pass the day with one of you,
Than with five hundred of his fellow-men!
In all things we excel. Believing this,
A hundred maidens here have sworn to place
Their feet upon his neck. If we succeed,
We'll treat him better than he treated us:
But if we fail, why, then let hope fail too!
Let no one care a penny how she looks--
Let red be worn with yellow -- blue with green--
Crimson with scarlet -- violet with blue!
Let all your things misfit, and you yourselves
At inconvenient moments come undone!
Let hair-pins lose their virtue: let the hook
Disdain the fascination of the eye--
The bashful button modestly evade
The soft embraces of the button-hole!
Let old associations all dissolve,
Let Swan secede from Edgar -- Gask from Gask,
Sewell from Cross -- Lewis from Allenby!
In other words, let Chaos come again!
(Coming down) Who lectures in the Hall of Arts to-day?
Blanche: I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.
There I propose considering, at length,
Three points -- The Is, the Might Be, and the Must.
Whether the Is, from being actual fact,
Is more important than the vague Might Be,
Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,
Is for that reason greater than the Is:
And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand
Compared with the inevitable Must!
Princess: The subject's deep -- how do you treat it, pray?
Blan.: Madam, I take three possibilities,
And strike a balance then between the three:
As thus: The Princess Ida Is our head,
the Lady Psyche Might Be, -- Lady Blanche,
Neglected Blanche, inevitably Must.
Given these three hypotheses -- to find
The actual betting against each of them!
Princess: Your theme's ambitious: pray you bear in mind
Who highest soar fall farthest. Fare you well,
You and your pupils! Maidens, follow me.
[Exeunt Princess
and maidens.
Manet
Lady Blanche.
EXEUNT FOR PRINCESS IDA & GIRLS
"And thus to Empyrean Height"
Chorus: And thus to empyrean height
Of ev'ry kind of lore,
In search of wisdom's pure delight,
Ambitiously we soar.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
For all we know and all we guess
We mutually impart!
And all the knowledge we possess,
We mutually impart,
We mutually impart, impart.
Blan.: I should command here -- I was born to rule,
But do I rule? I don't. Why? I don't know.
I shall some day. Not yet, I bide my time.
I once was Some One -- and the Was Will Be.
The Present as we speak becomes the Past,
The Past repeats itself, and so is Future!
This sounds involved. It's not. It's right enough.
(Since 1935 the following song has been usually omitted)
SONG (Lady Blanche)
"Come, mighty Must!"
Blanche: Come mighty Must!
Inevitable Shall!
In thee I trust.
Time weaves my coronal!
Go, mocking Is!
Go, disappointing Was!
That I am this
Ye are the cursed cause!
Ye are the cursed cause!
Yet humble second shall be first,
I wean
And dead and buried be the curst
Has Been!
Oh, weak Might Be!
Oh, May, Might, Could, Would, Should!
How pow'rless ye
For evil or for good!
In ev'ry sense
Your moods I cheerless call.
Whate'er your tense
Ye are imperfect all.
Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown
In ye!
Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown
In ye!
I've shown in ye!
Away! The Mighty Must alone
Shall be!
[Exit
Lady Blanche
[Enter Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian, climbing over wall, and creeping
cautiously among the trees and rocks at the back
of
the stage.]
TRIO (Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
"Gently, gently"
All: Gently, gently,
Evidently
We are safe so far,
After scaling
Fence and paling,
Here, at last, we are!
Florian: In this college,
Useful knowledge
Ev'rywhere one finds,
And already,
Growing steady,
We've enlarged our minds
Cyril: We learnt that prickly cactus
Has power to attract us
When we fall.
All: When we fall!
Hilarion: That nothing man unsettles
Like a bed of stinging nettles,
Short or tall.
All: Short or tall!
Florian: That bull-dogs feed on throttles--
That we don't like broken bottles
On a wall.
All: On a wall!
Hilarion: That spring-guns breathe defiance!
And that burglary's a science
After all!
All: After all!
Florian: A Woman's college! maddest folly going!
What can girls learn within its walls worth
knowing?
I'll lay a crown (the Princess shall decide it)
I'll teach them twice as much in half-an-hour
outside it.
Hilarion: Hush, scoffer; ere you sound your puny thunder,
List to their aims, and bow your head in wonder!
They intend to send a wire
To the moon
Cyril &
Florian: To the moon;
Hilarion: And they'll set the Thames on fire
Very soon
Cyril &
Florian: Very soon;
Hilarion: Then they'll learn to make silk purses
With their rigs
Cyril &
Florian: With their rigs.
Hilarion: From the ears of Lady Circe's
Piggy-wigs
Cyril &
Florian: Piggy-wigs.
Hilarion: And weasels at their slumbers
They trepan
Cyril &
Florian: They trepan;
Hilarion: To get sunbeams from cucumbers
They've a plan
Cyril
& Florian: They've a plan.
Hilarion: They've a firmly rooted notion
They can cross the Polar Ocean,
And they'll find Perpetual Motion,
If they can
All: If they can.
These are the phenomena
That ev'ry pretty domina
Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see.
These are the phenomena
That ev'ry pretty domina
Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see!
Cyril: As for fashion, they forswear it,
So they say
Hilarion &
Florian: So they say;
Cyril: And the circle -- they will square it
Some fine day
Hilarion &
Florian: Some fine day;
Cyril: Then the little pigs they're teaching
For to fly
Hilarion &
Florian: For to fly;
Cyril: And the niggers they'll be bleaching,
By and by
Hilarion &
Florian: By and by!
Cyril: Each newly joined aspirant
To the clan
Hilarion &
Florian: To the clan
Cyril: Must repudiate the tyrant
Known as Man
Hilarion &
Florian: Known as Man.
Cyril: They'll mock at him and flout him,
For they do not care about him
And they're "going to do without him"
If they can
All: If they can!
These are the phenomena
That ev'ry pretty domina
Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see.
These are the phenomena
That ev'ry pretty domina
Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see!
Hilarion: So that's the Princess Ida's castle! Well,
They must be lovely girls, indeed, if it requires
Such walls as those to keep intruders off!
Cyril: To keep men off is only half their charge,
And that the easier half. I much suspect
The object of these walls is not so much
To keep men off as keep the maidens in!
Florian: But what are these? (Examining some Collegiate robes)
Hilarion: (looking at them) Why, Academic robes,
Worn by the lady undergraduates
When they matriculate. Let's try them on. (They do
so.)
Why, see -- we're covered to the very toes.
Three lovely lady undergraduates
Who, weary of the world and all its wooing -- (pose)
Florian: And penitent for deeds there's no undoing -- (pose)
Cyril: Looked at askance by well-conducted maids -- (pose)
All: Seek sanctuary in these classic shades!
TRIO (Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
"I am a maiden"
Hilarion: I am a maiden, cold and stately,
Heartless I, with face divine.
What do I want with a heart, innately?
Every heart I meet is mine!
Every heart I meet is mine, is mine!
All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!
(Dance)
Cyril: I am a maiden, frank and simple,
Brimming with joyous roguery;
Merriment lurks in ev'ry dimple
Nobody breaks more hearts than I!
Nobody breaks more hearts, more hearts than
I
All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!
(Dance)
Florian: I am a maiden coyly blushing,
Timid am I as a startled hind;
Every suitor sets me flushing,
Every suitor sets me flushing:
I am the maid that wins mankind!
All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!
Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!
[Enter the Princess, reading. She does not
see them.)
Florian: But who comes here? The Princess, as I live!
What shall we do?
Hilarion: (Aside) Why, we must brave it out!
(Aloud) Madam, accept our humblest reverence.
(They bow, then suddenly recollecting
themselves, curtsey.)
Princess: (Surprised) We greet you, ladies. What would you
with us?
Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril)
What shall I say? (Aloud) We are three students,
ma'am,
Three well-born maids of liberal estate,
Who wish to join this University.
(Hilarion and Florian curtsey again. Cyril bows
extravagantly,
then, being recalled to himself by Florian,
curtseys.)
Princess: If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks,
And will subscribe to all our rules, 'tis well.
Florian: To all your rules we cheerfully subscribe.
Princess: You say you're noblewomen. Well, you'll find
No sham degrees for noblewomen here.
You'll find no sizars here, or servitors,
Or other cruel distinctions, meant to draw
A line 'twixt rich and poor; you'll find no tufts
To mark nobility, except such tufts
As indicate nobility of brain.
As for your fellow-students, mark me well:
There are a hundred maids within these walls,
All good, all learned, and all beautiful:
They are prepared to love you: will you swear
To give the fullness of your love to them?
Hilarion: Upon our words and honours, Ma'am, we will!
Princess: But we go further: Will you undertake
That you will never marry any man?
Florian: Indeed we never will!
Princess: Consider well,
You must prefer our maids to all mankind!
Hilarion: To all mankind we much prefer your maids!
Cyril: We should be dolts indeed, if we did not, seeing how
fair --
Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril) Take care -- that's rather strong!
Princess: But have you left no lovers at your home
Who may pursue you here?
Hilarion: No, madam, none.
We're homely ladies, as no doubt you see,
And we have never fished for lover's love.
We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems,
False hair and meretricious ornament,
To chain the fleeting fancy of a man,
But do not imitate them. What we have
Of hair, is all our own. Our colour, too,
Unladylike, but not unwomanly,
Is Nature's handiwork, and man has learnt
To reckon Nature an impertinence.
Princess: Well, beauty counts for naught within these walls;
If all you say is true, you'll pass with us
A happy, happy time!
Cyril: If, as you say,
A hundred lovely maidens wait within,
To welcome us with smiles and open arms,
I think there's very little doubt we shall!
QUARTET (Princess, Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
"The World is But a Broken Toy"
Princess: The world is but a broken toy,
Its pleasure hollow -- false its joy,
Unreal its loveliest hue,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true.
Hilarion: The world is ev'rything you say,
The world we think has had its day.
Its merriment is slow.
Alas!
We've tried it, and we know,
Alas!
We've tried it and we know.
All: Unreal its loveliest hue,
Its pains alone are true,
Princess: Alas!
All: The world is but a broken toy,
Its pleasure hollow -- false its joy,
Unreal its loveliest hue,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true!
Florian: Unreal its loveliest hue,
3 Men: Unreal its loveliest hue,
Princess: Cyr. & Flor: A- Hilarion: Un-
Un- las! real its
loveliest hue
real--- Alas! Alas!
-----
---- its loveliest hue
All: Alas!
Alas!
Its pains alone are true.
(Exit Princess. The three Gentlemen
watch her off.
Lady Psyche enters, and regards them with
amazement)
Hilarion: I'faith, the plunge is taken, gentlemen!
For, willy-nilly, we are maidens now,
And maids against our will we must remain.
[All laugh
heartily.]
Psyche: (Aside) These ladies are unseemly in their mirth.
(The gentlemen see her, and, in confusion,
resume their
modest
demeanour.)
Florian: (Aside) Here's a catastrophe, Hilarion!
This is my sister! She'll remember me,
Though years have passed since she and I have met!
Hilarion: (Aside to Florian) Then make a virtue of necessity,
And trust our secret to her gentle care.
Florian: (To Psyche, who has watched Cyril in amazement)
Psyche! Why, don't you know me? Florian!
Psyche: (Amazed) Why, Florian!
Florian: My sister! (Embraces her)
Psyche: Oh, my dear! What are you doing here -- and who are
these?
Hilarion: I am that Prince Hilarion to whom
Your Princess is betrothed. I come to claim
Her plighted love. Your brother Florian
And Cyril came to see me safely through.
Psyche: The Prince Hilarion? Cyril too? How strange!
My earliest playfellows!
Hilarion: Why, let me look!
Are you that learned little Psyche who
At school alarmed her mates because she called
A buttercup "ranunculus bulbosus"?
Cyril: Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, who
At children's parties, drove the conjuror wild,
Explaining all his tricks before he did them?
Hilarion: Are you that learned little Psyche, who
At dinner parties, brought in to dessert,
Would tackle visitors with "You don't know
Who first determined longitude -- I do --
Hipparchus 'twas -- B. C. one sixty-three!"
Are you indeed that small phenomenon?
Psyche: That small phenomenon indeed am I!
But gentlemen, 'tis death to enter here:
We have all promised to renounce mankind!
Florian: Renounce mankind!? On what ground do you base
This senseless resolution?
Psyche: Senseless? No.
We are all taught, and, being taught, believe
That Man, sprung from an Ape, is Ape at heart.
Cyril: That's rather strong.
Psyche: The truth is always strong!
SONG (Lady Psyche, with Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
"A Lady Fair, of Lineage High"
Psyche: A Lady fair, of lineage high,
Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by.
The Maid was radiant as the sun,
The Ape was a most unsightly one,
The Ape was a most unsightly one--
So it would not do--
His scheme fell through,
For the Maid, when his love took formal shape,
Express'd such terror
At his monstrous error,
That he stammer'd an apology and made his 'scape,
The picture of a disconcerted Ape.
With a view to rise in the social scale,
He shaved his bristles and he docked his tail,
He grew mustachios, and he took his tub,
And he paid a guinea to a toilet club,
He paid a guinea to a toilet club--
But it would not do,
The scheme fell through--
For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen,
With golden tresses,
Like a real princess's,
While the Ape, despite his razor keen,
Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen!
He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits,
He crammed his feet into bright tight boots--
And to start in life on a brand-new plan,
He christen'd himself Darwinian Man!
But it would not do,
The scheme fell through--
For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd,
Was a radiant Being,
With brain far-seeing--
While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd,
At best is only a monkey shav'd!
3 Men: For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd,
All: Was a radiant being,
With a brain far-seeing--
While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd,
At best is only a monkey shav'd!
(During this, Melissa has entered
unobserved;
she looks on in
amazement.)
Melissa: (Coming down) Oh, Lady Psyche!
Psyche: (Terrified) What! You heard us then?
Oh, all is lost!
Melissa: Not so! I'll breathe no word!
(Advancing in astonishment to Florian)
How marvelously strange! and are you then
Indeed young men?
Florian: Well, yes, just now we are--
But hope by dint of study to become,
In course of time, young women.
Melissa: (Eagerly) No, no, no --
Oh, don't do that! Is this indeed a man?
I've often heard of them, but, till to-day,
Never set eyes on one. They told me men
Were hideous, idiotic, and deformed!
They are quite as beautiful as women are!
As beautiful, they're infinitely more so!
Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness which
One gets so weary of in womankind:
Their features are more marked -- and -- oh, their
chins!
(Feeling Florian's chin)
How curious!
Florian: I fear it's rather rough.
Melissa: (Eagerly) Oh, don't apologize -- I like it so!
QUINTET (Psyche, Melissa, Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
"The Woman of the Wisest Wit"
Psyche: The woman of the wisest win
May sometimes be mistaken, O!
In Ida's views, I must admit,
My faith is somewhat shaken O!
Cyril: On every other point than this
Her learning is untainted, O!
But Man's a theme with which she is
Entirely unacquainted, O!
--acquainted, O!
--acquainted, O!
Entirely unacquainted, O!
All: Then jump for joy and gaily bound,
The truth is found -- the truth is found!
Set bells a-ringing through the air--
Ring here and there and ev'rywhere--
3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,
All: The truth is found -- the truth is found!
3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,
All: The truth is found -- the truth is found!
And echo forth the joyous sound,
The truth is found -- the truth is found!
(Dance)
Melissa: My natural instinct teaches me
(And instinct is important, O!)
You're ev'rything you ought to be,
And nothing that you oughtn't, O!
Hilarion: That fact was seen at once by you
In casual conversation, O!
Which is most creditable to
Your powers of observation, O!
-servation, O!
-servation, O!
Your powers of observation, O!
All: Then jump for joy and gaily bound,
The truth is found, the truth is found!
Set bells a-ringing through the air,
Ring here and there and ev'rywhere.
3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,
All: The truth is found -- the truth is found!
3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,
All: The truth is found -- the truth is found!
And echo forth the joyous sound,
The truth is found -- the truth is found!
(Exeunt Psyche, Hilarion, Cyril
and Florian,
Melissa going.)
(Enter
Lady Blanche.
Blanche: Melissa!
Melissa: (Returning) Mother!
Blanche: Here -- a word with you.
Those are the three new students?
Melissa: (Confused) Yes, they are.
They're charming girls.
Blanche: Particularly so.
So graceful, and so very womanly!
So skilled in all a girl's accomplishments!
Melissa: (Confused) Yes -- very skilled.
Blanche: They sing so nicely too!
Melissa: They do sing nicely!
Blanche: Humph! It's very odd.
Two are tenors, one is a baritone!
Melissa: (Much agitated) They've all got colds!
Blanche: Colds! Bah! D'ye think I'm blind?
These "girls" are men disguised!
Melissa: Oh no -- indeed!
You wrong these gentlemen -- I mean -- why, see,
Here is an etui dropped by one of them (picking up an
etui).
Containing scissors, needles, and --
Blanche: (Opening it) Cigars!
Why, these are men! And you knew this, you minx!
Melissa: Oh, spare them -- they are gentlemen indeed.
The Prince Hilarion (married years ago
To Princess Ida) with two trusted friends!
Consider, mother, he's her husband now,
And has been, twenty years! Consider, too,
You're only second here -- you should be first.
Assist the Prince's plan, and when he gains
The Princess Ida, why, you will be first.
You will design the fashions -- think of that--
And always serve out all the punishments!
The scheme is harmless, mother -- wink at it!
Blanche: (Aside) The prospect's tempting! Well, well, well,
I'll try --
Though I've not winked at anything for years!
'Tis but one step towards my destiny--
The mighty Must! the inevitable Shall!
DUET (Melissa and Lady Blanche)
"Now Wouldn't you like to Rule the Roast"
Melissa: Now wouldn't you like to rule the roast
And guide this University?
Blanche: I must agree,
'Twould pleasant be,
(Sing hey, a Proper Pride!)
Melissa: And wouldn't you like to clear the coast,
Of malice and perversity?
Blanche: Without a doubt,
I'll bundle 'em out,
(Sing hey, when I preside!)
Both: Sing hey!
Sing hoity toity! Sorry for some!
Sing marry, come up, and (my) her day will come!
Sing Proper Pride
Is the horse to ride,
And Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O!
Blanche: For years I've writhed beneath her sneers,
Although a born Plantagenet!
Melissa: You're much too meek,
Or you would speak
(Sing hey, I'll say no more!)
Blanche: Her elder I, by several years,
Although you'd ne'er imagine it.
Melissa: Sing, so I've heard
But never a word
Have I e'er believ'd before!
Both: Sing hey!
Sing hoity toity! Sorry for some!
Sing marry, come up, and her (my) day will come!
Sing, she shall learn
That a worm will turn.
Sing Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O!
(Exit
Lady Blanche)
Melissa: Saved for a time, at least!
(Enter Florian,
on tiptoe)
Florian: (Whispering) Melissa -- come!
Melissa: Oh, sir! you must away from this at once--
My mother guessed your sex! It was my fault--
I blushed and stammered so that she exclaimed,
"Can these be men?" Then, seeing this, "Why these--"
"Are men", she would have added, but "are men"
Stuck in her throat! She keeps your secret, sir,
For reasons of her own -- but fly from this
And take me with you -- that is -- no -- not that!
Florian: I'll go, but not without you! (Bell) Why, what's
that?
Melissa: The luncheon bell.
Florian: I'll wait for luncheon then!
(Enter Hilarion with Princess,
Cyril with
Psyche, Lady Blanche and
ladies. Also
"Daughters of the Plough" bearing
luncheon.)
CHORUS OF GIRLS & SOLOS (Blanche and Cyril)
"Merrily Ring the Luncheon Bell"
Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
Here in meadow of asphodel,
Feast we body and mind as well,
Merrily ring the luncheon
1st Sops: 2nd Sops:
bell! - - - --- bell! Oh merrily
Ring - - - --- ring the luncheon
oh, --- bell, Oh
ring, - - - --- merrily, merrily,
merrily,
Oh, --- merrily
Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell, the luncheon
bell!
Blanche: Hunger, I beg to state,
Is highly indelicate.
This is a fact profoundly true,
So learn your appetites to subdue.
All: Yes, yes,
We'll learn our appetites to subdue!
Cyril: Madam, your words so wise,
Nobody should despise,
Curs'd with appetite keen I am
And I'll subdue it--
And I'll subdue it--
I'll subdue it with cold roast lamb!
All: Yes -- yes--
We'll subdue it with cold roast lamb!
Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
Oh
1st Sops: ring! - - - --- 2nd Sophs: merrily,
merrily,
Oh, merrily,
merrily
Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell, the luncheon
bell!
Princess: You say you know the court of Hildebrand?
There is a Prince there -- I forget his name --
Hilarion: Hilarion?
Princess: Exactly -- is he well?
Hilarion: If it be well to droop and pine and mope,
To sigh "Oh, Ida! Ida!" all day long,
"Ida! my love! my life! Oh, come to me!"
If it be well, I say, to do all this,
Then Prince Hilarion is very well.
Princess: He breathes our name? Well, it's a common one!
And is the booby comely?
Hilarion: Pretty well.
I've heard it said that if I dressed myself
In Prince Hilarion's clothes (supposing this
Consisted with my maiden modesty),
I might be taken for Hilarion's self.
But what is this to you or me, who think
Of all mankind with undisguised contempt?
Princess: Contempt? Why, damsel, when I think of man,
Contempt is not the word.
Cyril: (Getting tipsy) I'm sure of that,
Or if it is, it surely should not be!
Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril) Be quiet, idiot, or they'll find us
out.
Cyril: The Prince Hilarion's a goodly lad!
Princess: You know him then?
Cyril: (Tipsily) I rather think I do!
We are inseparables!
Princess: Why, what's this?
You love him then?
Cyril: We do indeed -- all
three!
Hilarion: Madam, she jests! (Aside to Cyril) Remember where
you
are!
Cyril: Jests? Not at all! Why, bless my heart alive,
You and Hilarion, when at the Court,
Rode the same horse!
Princess: (Horrified) Astride?
Cyril: Of course! Why not?
Wore the same clothes -- and once or twice, I think,
Got tipsy in the same good company!
Princess: Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word!
Cyril: (Tipsy) Don't you remember that old kissing-song
He'd sing to blushing Mistress Lalage,
The hostess of the Pigeons? Thus it ran:
SONG (Cyril)
"Would you know the Kind of Maid"
(During symphony Hilarion and
Florian try to
stop Cyril. He shakes them
off angrily.)
Cyril: Would you know the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a?
Eyes must be downcast and staid,
Cheeks must flush for shame-a!
She may neither dance nor sing,
But, demure in everything,
Hang her head in modest way,
With pouting lips, with pouting lips
that
seem to say,
"Oh kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die of shame-a!"
Please you, that's the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a!
"Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die of shame-a!"
Please you, that's the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a!
When a maid is bold and gay,
With a tongue goes clang-a,
Flaunting it in brave array,
Maiden may go hang-a
Sunflow'r gay and holly-hock
Never shall my garden stock;
Mine the blushing rose of May,
With pouting lips, with pouting lips
that
seem to say,
"Oh kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die for shame-a!"
Please you, that's the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a!
"Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die of shame-a!"
Please you, that's the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a!
Princess: Infamous creature, get you hence away!
(Hilarion, Who has been with difficulty
restrained by
Florian during this song, breaks from him
and strikes
Cyril furiously on
the breast.)
Hilarion: Dog! There is something more to sing about!
Cyril: (Sobered) Hilarion, are you mad?
Princess: (Horrified) Hilarion? Help!
Why, these are men! Lost! lost! betrayed, undone!
(Running on
to bridge)
Girls, get you hence! Man-monsters, if you dare
Approach one step, I --- Ah!
(Loses her balance and falls into
the stream)
Psyche: Oh! Save her, sir!
Blanche: It's useless, sir -- you'll only catch your death!
(Hilarion
springs in.)
Sach.: He catches her!
Melissa: And now he lets her go!
Again she's in his grasp--
Psyche: And now she's not,
He seizes her back hair!
Blanche: (Not looking) And it comes off!
Psyche: No, no! She's saved!--she's saved! she's
saved!--she's
saved!
FINALE, ACT II
(Princess, Hildebrand, Melissa, Lady Psyche, Blanche,
Cyril, Hilarion, Florian, Arac, Guron, Scynthius and
Chorus of Girls and Men )
"Oh Joy! our Chief is Sav'd"
Girls: Oh joy! our chief is sav'd
And by Hillarion's hand;
The torrent fierce he brav'd,
And brought her safe to land!
For his intrusion we must own
This doughty deed may well atone!
Princess: Stand forth ye three,
Who-e'er ye be,
And hearken to our stern decree!
Cyril, &
Florian: Have mercy, O Lady Hilarion:
Have
disregard your Mer--
oaths! cy!
Princess: I know no mercy, men in women's clothes!
The man whose sacrilegious eyes
Invade our strict seclusion, dies.
Arrest the coarse intruding spies!
(They are arrested by the "Daughters of
the Plough")
Girls: Have mercy, O lady -- disregard your oaths.
Princess: I know not mercy, men in women's clothes!
(Cyril & Florian
are bound)
SONG -- Hilarion
Hilarion: Whom thou has chain'd must wear his chain,
Thou canst not set him free,
He wrestles with his bonds in vain
Who lives by loving thee!
If heart of stone for heart of fire,
Be all thou hast to give,
If dead to my heart's desire,
Why should I wish to live?
Cyr & Flo: Have Girls: Have
mercy, O Merlady!
cy!
Hilarion: No word of thine -- no stern command
Can teach my heart to rove,
Then rather perish by thy hand,
Than live without they love!
A loveless life apart from thee
Were hopeless slavery,
Were hopeless slavery,
If kindly death will set me free,
Why should I fear to die?
Girls: Have mercy!
Hilarion: If kindly death
Girls: Have mercy!
Hilarion: will set me free,
If kindly death will set me free,
Why should I fear,
Why should I fear to die?
(He is bound by two of the attendants, the three gentlemen are
marched off.)
(Enter Melissa)
Melissa: Madam, without the castle walls
An armed band
Demand admittance to our halls
For Hildebrand!
All: Oh, horror!
Princess: Defy them!
We will defy them!
All: Too late -- too late!
The castle gate
Is battered by them!
(The gate yields. Soldiers rush in. Arac, Guron, and Scynthius are
with them, but with their hands handcuffed.
Men: Walls and fences scaling,
Promptly we appear;
Walls are unavailing,
We have enter'd here.
Female exaceration.
Stifle if you're wise.
Stop your lamentations,
Dry your pretty, pretty
Girls: Rend the air with wailing. Men: eyes!
Shed the shameful tear!
Man has enter'd here.
Walls are unavailing.
Girls: Rend the Men: Walls and
air fences
with scaling,
wail------ Promptly we appear;
---------- Walls are unavailing.
ing. We have enter'd here.
Shed Female exethe
cration.
shame- Stifle if
ful tear! you're wise.
Man Stop your lamenthas
ation,
en- Dry your pretter'd
ty
here! eyes. O
Walls are stop your
un- lamenta-
ation,
vail- Dry your pretty pretty
ing. eyes! Female exe-
Man cration. Stifle
has if you're
en- wise. Stop your lamentter'd
ation, Dry your pretty
here! eyes.
(Enter Hildebrand)
RECITATIVE
Princess: Audacious tyrant, do you dare
To beard a maiden in her lair?
Hildebd: Since you inquire,
We've no desire
To beard a maiden here, or anywhere!
Soldiers: No, no. We've no desire
To beard a maiden here or anywhere!
SOLO -- Hildebrand
Hildebd: Some years ago,
No doubt you know
(And if you don't I'll tell you so)
You gave your troth
Upon your oath
To Hilarion my son.
A vow you make
You must not break,
(If you think you may, it's a great mistake),
For a bride's a bride
Though the knot were tied
At the early age of one!
And I'm a peppery kind of King,
Whose indisposed for parleying
To fit the wit of a bit of chit,
And that's the long and the short of
it!
Soldiers: For he's a peppery kind of King,
Whose indisposed for parleying
To fit the wit of a bit of chit,
And that's the long and the short of it!
Hildebd: If you decide
To pocket your pride
And let Hilarion claim his bride,
Why, well and good,
It's understood
We'll let bygones go by--
But if you choose
To sulk in the blues
I'll make the whole of you shake in your shoes.
I'll storm your walls,
And level your halls,
In the winking of an eye!
For I'm a peppery Potentate,
Who's little inclined his claim to
bate,
To fit the wit of a bit of a chit,
And thats the long and the short of
it!
Soldiers: For he's a peppery Potentate,
Whose indisposed for parleying,
To fit the wit of a bit of chit,
And that's the long and the short of it!
TRIO -- Arac, Guron & Scynthius
All 3: We may remark, though nothing can
Dismay us,
That if you thwart this gentleman,
He'll slay us.
We don't fear death, of course -- we're taught
To shame it;
But still upon the whole we thought
We'd name it.
(To each other)
Scynthius: Yes!
Guron: Yes!
Arac: Yes!
All 3: Better p'r'aps to name it.
Our interests we would not press
With chatter,
Three hulking brothers more or less
Don't matter;
If you'd pooh-pooh this monarch's plan
Pooh-pooh it,
But when he says he'll hang a man,
He'll do it.
(To each other)
Scynthius: Yes!
Guron: Yes!
Arac: Yes!
All 3: Devil doubt he'll do it.
Princess: Be reassured, nor fear his anger blind,
His menaces are idle as the wind.
He dares not kill you -- vengeance lurks behind!
3 Knights: We rather think he dares, but never mind!
Hildebd: I 3 Knights:
rather No!
think I No!
dare, but No!
never, never mind! never never mind!
Enough of
No,
parley no,
never nevas
a er
spe- mind!
cial
No!
boon. no! never, never mind!
We give you till tomorrow
afternoon;
Hildebd: Release Hilarion, then,
And be his bride
Or you'll incur the guilt of fratricide!
Princess: To yield at once to such a foe
With shame we're rife;
So quick! away with him, although
He sav'd my life!
That he is fair, and strong, and tall
Is very evident to all,
Yet I will die,
Yet I will die, before I call myself his
Princess: All Others:
wife! - --- Oh, yield at once, 'twere better
so,
- - - --- Than risk a strife!
And let the Prince Hilarion go.
He Saved thy life!
That Hihe
is la-rion's
fair and fair,
strong and and
tall, strong and tall,
tall,
Is - - - - -
- - - - - - A
very worse misevi-
fordent
to tune
all, might befall.
Yet
I will It's
die, will die before I call not so dreadful after all,
Myself his wife! To be his wife!
Though I am but a girl
Defiance thus I hurl
Our banners all
On outer wall
We fearlessly unfurl
(The Princess stands, surrounded by girls kneeling. Hildebrand and
soldiers stand on built rocks at back and sides of stage.
Picture.)
END OF ACT II
ACT III
SCENE -- Outer Walls and Courtyard of Castle Adamant. Melissa,
SachaRissa, and ladies discovered, armed with
battleaxes.
CHORUS
"Death to the Invader!"
Chorus: Death to the invader!
Strike a deadly blow,
As an old Crusader
Struck his Paynim foe!
Let our martial thunder
Fill his soul with wonder,
Tear his ranks asunder,
Lay the tyrant low!
Death to the invader!
Strike a deadly blow,
As an old Crusader
Struck his Paynim foe!
Melissa: Thus our courage, all untarnish'd,
We're instructed to display;
But to tell the truth unvarnish'd,
We are more inclined to say,
"Please you, do not hurt us,"
All: "Do not hurt us, if it please you!"
Melissa: "Please you let us be."
All: "Let us be -- let us be!"
Melissa: "Soldiers disconcert us."
All: "Disconcert us, if it please you!"
Melissa: "Frighten'd maids are we!"
All: "Maids are we, maids are we!"
Melissa: Please you,
All: Do not hurt us;
Melissa: Please you,
All: Let us be.
Mel & Cho: Frighten'd maids are we, frighten'd maids are we!
Melissa: But 'twould be an error
To confess our terror,
So in Ida's name,
Boldly we exclaim:
Mel & Cho: Death to the invader!
Strike a deadly blow,
As an old Crusader
Struck his Paynim foe!
(Flourish. Enter Princess, armed, attended by Blanche and Psyche.)
Princess: I like your spirit, girls! We have to meet
Stern bearded warriors in fight to-day;
Wear naught but what is necessary to
Preserve your dignity before their eyes,
And give your limbs full play.
Blanche: One moment, ma'am,
Here is a paradox we should not pass
Without inquiry. We are prone to say
"This thing is Needful -- that, Superfluous"--
Yet they invariably co-exist!
We find the Needful comprehended in
The circle of the grand Superfluous,
Yet the Superfluous cannot be brought
Unless you're amply furnished with the Needful.
These singular considerations are--
Princess: Superfluous, yet not Needful -- so you see
The terms may independently exist.
(To Ladies) Women of Adamant, we have to show
That women, educated to the task,
Can meet Man, face to face, on his own ground,
And beat him there. Now, let us set to work;
Where is our lady surgeon?
Sach.: Madam, here!
Princess: We shall require your skill to heal the wounds
Of those that fall.
Sach.: (Alarmed) What, heal the wounded?
Princess: Yes!
Sach.: And cut off real live legs and arms?
Princess: Of course!
Sach.: I wouldn't do it for a thousand pounds!
Princess: Why, how is this? Are you faint-hearted, girl?
You've often cut them off in theory!
Sach.: In theory I'll cut them off again
With pleasure, and as often as you like,
But not in practice.
Princess: Coward! Get you hence,
I've craft enough for that, and courage too,
I'll do your work! My fusiliers, advance!,
Why, you are armed with axes! Gilded toys!
Where are your rifles, pray?
Chloe: Why, please you, ma'am,
We left them in the armoury, for fear
That in the heat and turmoil of the fight,
They might go off!
Princess: "They might!" Oh, craven souls!
Go off yourselves! Thank heaven I have a heart
That quails not at the thought of meeting men;
I will discharge your rifles! Off with you!
(Exit Chloe)
Where's my bandmistress?
Ada: Please you, ma'am, the band
Do not feel well, and can't come out today!
Princess: Why, this is flat rebellion! I've no time
To talk to them just now. But, happily,
I can play several instruments at once,
And I will drown the shrieks of those that fall
With trumpet music, such as soldiers love!
How stand we with respect to gunpowder?
My Lady Psyche -- you who superintend
Our lab'ratory -- are you well prepared
To blow these bearded rascals into shreds?
Psyche: Why, madam--
Princess: Well?
Psyche: Let us try gentler means.
We can dispense with fulminating grains
While we have eyes with which to flash our rage!
We can dispense with villainous saltpetre
While we have tongues with which to blow them up!
We can dispense, in short, with all the arts
That brutalize the practical polemist!
Princess: (Contemptuously) I never knew a more dispensing
chemist!
Away, away -- I'll meet these men alone
Since all my women have deserted me!
(Exeunt all but Princess, singing
refrain of
"Please you, do not hurt us",
pianissimo.)
Princess: So fail my cherished plans -- so fails my faith--
And with it hope, and all that comes of hope!
Song - Princess
"I Built upon a Rock"
Princess: I built upon a rock,
But ere Destruction's hand
Dealt equal lot
To Court and cot,
My rock had turn'd to sand!
I leant upon an oak,
But in the hour of need,
Alack-a-day,
My trusted stay
Was but a bruis-ed reed!
A bruis-ed reed!
Ah faithless rock,
My simple faith to mock!
Ah trait'rous oak,
Thy worthlessness to cloak,
Thy worthlessness to cloak!
I drew a sword of steel
But when to home and hearth
The battle's breath
Bore fire and death,
My sword was but a lath!
I lit a beacon fire,
But on a stormy day
Of frost and rime,
In wintertime,
My fire had died away,
Had died away!
Ah, coward steel,
That fear can un-anneal!
False fire indeed,
To fail me in my need,
To fail me in my need!
(Princess Sinks upon a rock. Enter Chloe and all the Ladies)
Chloe: Madam, your father and your brothers claim
An audience!
Princess: What do they do here?
Chloe: They come
To fight for you!
Princess: Admit them!
Blanche: Infamous!
One's brothers, ma'am, are men!
Princess: So I have heard.
But all my women seem to fail me when
I need them most. In this emergency,
Even one's brothers may be turned to use.
Gama: (Entering, pale and unnerved) My daughter!
Princess: Father! Thou art free!
Gama: Aye, free!
Free as a tethered ass! I come to thee
With words from Hildebrand. Those duly given
I must return to blank captivity.
I'm free so far.
Princess: Your message.
Gama: Hildebrand
Is loth to war with women. Pit my sons,
My three brave sons, against these popinjays,
These tufted jack-a-dandy featherheads,
And on the issue let thy hand depend!
Princess: Insult on insult's head! Are we a stake
For fighting men? What fiend possesses thee,
That thou has come with offers such as these
From such as he to such an one as I?
Gama: I am possessed
By the pale devil of a shaking heart!
My stubborn will is bent. I dare not face
That devilish monarch's black malignity!
He tortures me with torments worse than death,
I haven't anything to grumble at!
He finds out what particular meats I love,
And gives me them. The very choicest wines,
The costliest robes -- the richest rooms are mine.
He suffers none to thwart my simplest plan,
And gives strict orders none should contradict me!
He's made my life a curse! (Weeps)
Princess: My tortured father!
SONG (King GAMA with CHORUS of GIRLS)
"Whene'er I Spoke"
Gama: Whene'er I poke
Sarcastic joke
Replete with malice spiteful,
This people mild
Politely smil'd,
And voted me delightful!
Now, when a wight
Sits up all night
Ill-natur'd jokes devising,
And all his wiles
Are met with smiles
It's hard, there's no disguising!
Ah! Oh, don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
Chorus: Oh, isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
Gama: When German bands
From music stands
Play'd Wagner imperfectly --
I bade them go--
They didn't say no,
But off they went directly!
The organ boys
They stopp'd their noise,
With readiness surprising,
And grinning herds
Of hurdy-gurds
Retired apologising!
Ah! Oh, don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
Chorus: Oh, isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
Gama: I offer'd gold
In sums untold
To all who'd contradict me--
I said I'd pay
A pound a day
To any one who kick'd me--
I've brib'd with toys
Great vulgar boys
To utter something spiteful,
But, bless you, no!
They would be so
Confoundedly politeful!
Ah! In short, these aggravating lads,
They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads,
They give me this and they give me that,
And I've nothing whatever to grumble at!
Chorus: Oh, isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
(Gama Bursts into tears and falls sobbing
on a seat.)
Princess: My poor old father! How he must have suffered!
Well, well, I yield!
Gama: (Hysterically) She yields! I'm saved, I'm saved!
(Exit)
Princess: Open the gates -- admit these warriors,
Then get you all within the castle walls.
(Exit)
(The gates are opened and the Girls mount the
battlements as the
Soldiers enter. Arac, Guron and Scynthius
also enter.)
Chorus of Soldiers
"When anger spreads his wing"
Chorus: When anger spread his wing,
And all seems dark as night for it,
There's nothing but to fight for it,
But ere you pitch your ring,
Select a pretty site for it,
(This spot is suited quite for it,)
And then you gaily sing,
And then you gaily sing:
"Oh I love the jolly rattle
Of an orde-al by battle,
There's an end of tittle-tattle
When your enemy is dead.
It's an arrant molly-coddle
Fears a crack upon his noddle
And he's only fit to swaddle
In a downy feather-bed!
Ladies: For a Soldiers: Oh, I
fight's love the
a jolly
kind rattle
of Of an
thing orde-al by battle
That I There's an
love end of
to tittle
look tattle,
up- When your
on, enemy is dead.
So It's an
let arrant
us mollysing,
coddle
Long Fears a
live crack upon
the his
King, noddle,
And his And he's
son only fit to
Hi- swaddle, In a
la- downy feari-
on! ther bed!
(During this, Hilarion, Florian,
and Cyril are
brought out by the "Daughters of
the Plough".
They are still bound and wear
the robes.
Enter GAMA.)
Gama: Hilarion! Cyril! Florian! dressed as women!
Is this indeed Hilarion?
Hilar.: Yes, it is!
Gama: Why, you look handsome in your women's clothes!
Stick to 'em! Men's attire becomes you not!
(To CYRIL and FLORIAN) And you, young ladies, will you please to
pray
King Hildebrand to set me free again?
Hang on his neck and gaze into his eyes,
He never could resist a pretty face!
Hilar.: You dog, you'll find, though I wear woman's garb,
My sword is long and sharp!
Gama: Hush, pretty one!
Here's a virago! Here's a termagant!
If length and sharpness go for anything,
You'll want no sword while you can wag your tongue!
Cyril: What need to waste your words on such as he?
He's old and crippled.
Gama: Aye, but I've three sons,
Fine fellows, young and muscular, and brave,
They're well worth talking to! Come, what d'ye say?
Arac: Aye, pretty ones, engage yourselves with us,
If three rude warriors affright you not!
Hilar.: Old as you are, I'd wring your shrivelled neck
If you were not the Princess Ida's father.
Gama: If I were not the Princess Ida's father,
And so had not her brothers for my sons,
No doubt you'd wring my neck -- in safety too!
Come, come, Hilarion, begin, begin!
Give them no quarter -- they will give you none.
You've this advantage over warriors
Who kill their country's enemies for pay,--
You know what you are fighting for -- look there!
(Pointing to Ladies on the
battlements)
(Exit Gamma. Hilarion, Florian, and Cyril
are led off.)
SONG (Arac, Guron, Scynthius and Chorus)
"This Helmet, I Suppose"
Arac: This helmet, I suppose,
Was meant to ward off blows,
It's very hot
And weighs a lot,
As many a guardsman knows,
As many a guardsman knows,
As many a guardsman knows,
As many a guardsman knows,
So off, so off that helmet goes.
Others: Yes, yes, yes,
So off that helmet goes!
(Giving their helmets to
attendants)
Arac: This tight-fitting cuirass
Is but a useless mass,
It's made of steel,
And weighs a deal,
This tight-fitting cuirass
Is but a useless mass,
A man is but an ass
Who fights in a cuirass,
So off, so off goes that cuirass.
Others: Yes, yes, yes,
So off goes that cuirass!
(Removing
cuirasses)
Arac: These brassets, truth to tell,
May look uncommon well,
But in a fight
They're much too tight,
They're like a lobster shell,
They're like a lobster shell!
Others: Yes, yes, yes,
They're like a lobster shell.
(Removing
their brassets)
Arac: These things I treat the same
(indicating leg pieces)
(I quite forget their name.)
They turn one's legs
To cribbage pegs--
Their aid I thus disclaim,
Their aid I thus disclaim,
Though I forget their name,
Though I forget their name,
Their aid, their aid I thus disclaim!
Others: Yes, yes, yes,
All: Their aid (we/they) thus disclaim!
(They remove their leg pieces and wear close-fitting shape suits.)
Enter Hilarion, Florian, and Cyril
(Desperate fight between the three Princes
and the three
Knights, during which the Ladies on the
battlements and
the Soldiers on the stage sing the
following chorus):
CHORUS DURING THE FIGHT
"This is our Duty"
Chorus: This is our duty plain towards
Our Princess all immaculate,
We ought to bless her brothers' swords,
And piously ejaculate:
Oh, Hungary!
Oh, Hungary!
Oh, doughty sons of Hungary!
May all success
Attend and bless
Your warlike ironmongery!
Hilarion! Hilarion! Hilarion!
(By this time, Arac, Guron, and
Scynthius are
on the ground, wounded --
Hilarion, Cyril and
Florian stand
over them.)
Princess: (Entering through gate and followed by Ladies,
Hildebrand, and Gama.)
Hold! stay your hands! -- we yield ourselves to you!
Ladies, my brothers all lie bleeding there!
Bind up their wounds -- but look the other way.
(Coming down) Is this the end? (Bitterly to Lady
Blanche)
How say you, Lady Blanche--
Can I with dignity my post resign?
And if I do, will you then take my place?
Blanche: To answer this, it's meet that we consult
The great Potential Mysteries; I mean
The five Subjunctive Possibilities--
The May, the Might, the Would, the Could, the Should.
Can you resign? The Prince May claim you; if
He Might, you Could -- and if you Should, I Would!
Princess: I thought as much! Then to my fate I yield--
So ends my cherished scheme! Oh, I had hoped
To band all women with my maiden throng,
And make them all abjure tyrannic Man!
Hildebd: A noble aim!
Princess: You ridicule it now;
But if I carried out this glorious scheme,
At my exalted name Posterity
Would bow in gratitude!
Hildebd: But pray
reflect --
If you enlist all women in your cause,
And make them all abjure tyrannic Man,
The obvious question then arises, "How
Is this Posterity to be provided?"
Princess: I never thought of that! My Lady Blanche,
How do you solve the riddle?
Blanche: Don't ask me --
Abstract Philosophy won't answer it.
Take him -- he is your Shall. Give in to Fate!
Princess: And you desert me. I alone am staunch!
Hilarion: Madam, you placed your trust in Woman -- well,
Woman has failed you utterly -- try Man,
Give him one chance, it's only fair -- besides,
Women are far too precious, too divine,
To try unproven theories upon.
Experiments, the proverb says, are made
On humble subjects -- try our grosser clay,
And mould it as you will!
Cyril: Remember, too
Dear Madam, if at any time you feel
A-weary of the Prince, you can return
To Castle Adamant, and rule your girls
As heretofore, you know.
Princess: And shall I find
The Lady Psyche here?
Psyche: If Cyril, ma'am,
Does not behave himself, I think you will.
Princess: And you Melissa, shall I find you here?
Melissa: Madam, however Florian turns out,
Unhesitatingly I answer, No!
Gama: Consider this, my love, if your mama
Had looked on matters from your point of view
(I wish she had), why where would you have been?
Blanche: There's an unbounded field of speculation,
On which I could discourse for hours!
Princess: No doubt!
We will not trouble you. Hilarion,
I have been wrong -- I see my error now.
Take me, Hilarion -- "We will walk this world
Yoked in all exercise of noble end!
And so through those dark gates across the wild
That no one knows!" Indeed, I love thee -- Come!
Finale
"With joy abiding"
Princess: With joy abiding,
Together gliding
Through life's variety,
In sweet society,
And thus enthroning
The love I'm owning,
On this atoning
I will rely!
Chorus: It were profanity
For poor humanity
To treat as vanity
The sway of Love.
In no locality
Or principality
Is our mortality
It's sway above!
Hilarion: When day is fading,
With serenading
And such frivolity
Of tender quality--
With scented showers
Of fairest flowers,
The happy hours
Will gaily fly!
The happy hours will gaily fly!
Chorus: It were profanity
For poor humanity
To treat as vanity
The sway of Love.
In no locality
Or principality
Is our mortality
It's sway above!
1st Sops: In no lo- Others:
cality Or princi- Its
pality Is our mor- sway
tality It's sway a- above!
bove!
Princess & With scented Others:
Hilarion: showers Of fairest Its
flowers, The happy sway
hours will gaily afly!
bove!
All: In no locality
Or principality
Is our mortality
Above the sway of love!
Curtain
RUDDIGORE
or
The Witch's Curse
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
MORTALS
SIR RUTHVEN MURGATROYD (disguised as Robin Oakapple, a Young
Farmer)
RICHARD DAUNTLESS (his Foster-Brother, a Man-o'-war's man)
SIR DESPARD MURGATROYD, OF RUDDIGORE (a Wicked Baronet)
OLD ADAM GOODHEART (Robin's Faithful Servant)
ROSE MAYBUD (a Village Maiden)
MAD MARGARET
DAME HANNAH (Rose's Aunt)
ZORAH and RUTH (Professional Bridesmaids)
GHOSTS
SIR RUPERT MURGATROYD (the First Baronet)
SIR JASPER MURGATROYD (the Third Baronet)
SIR LIONEL MURGATROYD (the Sixth Baronet)
SIR CONRAD MURGATROYD (the Twelfth Baronet)
SIR DESMOND MURGATROYD (the Sixteenth Baronet)
SIR GILBERT MURGATROYD (the Eighteenth Baronet)
SIR MERVYN MURGATROYD (the Twentieth Baronet)
and
SIR RODERIC MURGATROYD (the Twenty-first Baronet)
Chorus of Officers, Ancestors, Professional Bridesmaids, and
Villagers
ACT I
The Fishing Village of Rederring, in Cornwall
ACT II
The Picture Gallery in Ruddigore Castle
TIME
Early in the 19th Century
ACT I
SCENE. The fishing village of Rederring (in Cornwall). Rose
Maybud's cottage is seen L.
Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids. They range themselves in front of
Rose's cottage.
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
Fair is Rose as bright May-day;
Soft is Rose as the warm west-wind;
Sweet is Rose as the new-mown hay--
Rose is queen of maiden-kind!
Rose, all glowing
With virgin blushes, say--
Is anybody going
To marry you to-day?
SOLO--ZORAH.
Every day, as the days roll on,
Bridesmaids' garb we gaily don,
Sure that a maid so fairly famed
Can't long remain unclaimed.
Hour by hour and day by day,
Several months have passed away,
Though she's the fairest flower that blows,
No one has married Rose!
CHORUS.
Rose, all glowing
With virgin blushes, say--
Is anybody going
To marry you to-day?
ZORAH. Hour by hour and day by day,
Months have passed away.
CHORUS. Fair is Rose as bright Mayday, etc.
(Enter Dame Hannah, from cottage.)
HANNAH. Nay, gentle maidens, you sing well but vainly, for
Rose is still heart-free, and looks but coldly upon her many
suitors.
ZORAH. It's very disappointing. Every young man in the
village is in love with her, but they are appalled by her beauty
and modesty, and won't declare themselves; so, until she makes
her own choice, there's no chance for anybody else.
RUTH. This is, perhaps, the only village in the world that
possesses an endowed corps of professional bridesmaids who are
bound to be on duty every day from ten to four--and it is at
least six months since our services were required. The pious
charity by which we exist is practically wasted!
ZOR. We shall be disendowed--that will be the end of it!
Dame Hannah--you're a nice old person--you could marry if you
liked. There's old Adam--Robin's faithful servant--he loves you
with all the frenzy of a boy of fourteen.
HAN. Nay--that may never be, for I am pledged!
ALL. To whom?
HAN. To an eternal maidenhood! Many years ago I was
betrothed to a god-like youth who woo'd me under an assumed name.
But on the very day upon which our wedding was to have been
celebrated, I discovered that he was no other than Sir Roderic
Murgatroyd, one of the bad Baronets of Ruddigore, and the uncle
of the man who now bears that title. As a son of that accursed
race he was no husband for an honest girl, so, madly as I loved
him, I left him then and there. He died but ten years since, but
I never saw him again.
ZOR. But why should you not marry a bad Baronet of
Ruddigore?
RUTH. All baronets are bad; but was he worse than other
baronets?
HAN. My child, he was accursed.
ZOR. But who cursed him? Not you, I trust!
HAN. The curse is on all his line and has been, ever since
the time of Sir Rupert, the first Baronet. Listen, and you shall
hear the legend:
LEGEND--HANNAH.
Sir Rupert Murgatroyd
His leisure and his riches
He ruthlessly employed
In persecuting witches.
With fear he'd make them quake--
He'd duck them in his lake--
He'd break their bones
With sticks and stones,
And burn them at the stake!
CHORUS. This sport he much enjoyed,
Did Rupert Murgatroyd--
No sense of shame
Or pity came
To Rupert Murgatroyd!
Once, on the village green,
A palsied hag he roasted,
And what took place, I ween,
Shook his composure boasted;
For, as the torture grim
Seized on each withered limb,
The writhing dame
`Mid fire and flame
Yelled forth this curse on him:
"Each lord of Ruddigore,
Despite his best endeavour,
Shall do one crime, or more,
Once, every day, for ever!
This doom he can't defy,
However he may try,
For should he stay
His hand, that day
In torture he shall die!"
The prophecy came true:
Each heir who held the title
Had, every day, to do
Some crime of import vital;
Until, with guilt o'erplied,
"I'll Sin no more!" he cried,
And on the day
He said that say,
In agony he died!
CHORUS. And thus, with sinning cloyed,
Has died each Murgatroyd,
And so shall fall,
Both one and all,
Each coming Murgatroyd!
(Exeunt Chorus of Bridesmaids.)
(Enter Rose Maybud from cottage, with small basket on her arm.)
HAN. Whither away, dear Rose? On some errand of charity,
as is thy wont?
ROSE. A few gifts, dear aunt, for deserving villagers. Lo,
here is some peppermint rock for old gaffer Gadderby, a set of
false teeth for pretty little Ruth Rowbottom, and a pound of
snuff for the poor orphan girl on the hill.
HAN. Ah, Rose, pity that so much goodness should not help
to make some gallant youth happy for life! Rose, why dost thou
harden that little heart of thine? Is there none hereaway whom
thou couldst love?
ROSE. And if there were such an one, verily it would ill
become me to tell him so.
HAN. Nay, dear one, where true love is, there is little
need of prim formality.
ROSE. Hush, dear aunt, for thy words pain me sorely. Hung
in a plated dish-cover to the knocker of the workhouse door, with
naught that I could call mine own, save a change of baby-linen
and a book of etiquette, little wonder if I have always regarded
that work as a voice from a parent's tomb. This hallowed volume
(producing a book of etiquette), composed, if I may believe the
title-page, by no less an authority than the wife of a Lord
Mayor, has been, through life, my guide and monitor. By its
solemn precepts I have learnt to test the moral worth of all who
approach me. The man who bites his bread, or eats peas with a
knife, I look upon as a lost creature, and he who has not
acquired the proper way of entering and leaving a room is the
object of my pitying horror. There are those in this village who
bite their nails, dear aunt, and nearly all are wont to use their
pocket combs in public places. In truth I could pursue this
painful theme much further, but behold, I have said enough.
HAN. But is there not one among them who is faultless, in
thine eyes? For example--young Robin. He combines the manners
of a Marquis with the morals of a Methodist. Couldst thou not
love him?
ROSE. And even if I could, how should I confess it unto
him? For lo, he is shy, and sayeth naught!
BALLAD--ROSE.
If somebody there chanced to be
Who loved me in a manner true,
My heart would point him out to me,
And I would point him out to you.
(Referring But here it says of those who point--
to book.) Their manners must be out of joint--
You may not point--
You must not point--
It's manners out of joint, to point!
Ah! Had I the love of such as he,
Some quiet spot he'd take me to,
Then he could whisper it to me,
And I could whisper it to you.
(Referring But whispering, I've somewhere met,
to book.) Is contrary to etiquette:
Where can it be (Searching book.)
Now let me see--(Finding reference.)
Yes, yes!
It's contrary to etiquette!
(Showing it to Dame Hannah.)
If any well-bred youth I knew,
Polite and gentle, neat and trim,
Then I would hint as much to you,
And you could hint as much to him.
(Referring But here it says, in plainest print,
to book.) "It's most unladylike to hint"--
You may not hint,
You must not hint--
It says you mustn't hint, in print!
Ah! And if I loved him through and through--
(True love and not a passing whim),
Then I could speak of it to you,
And you could speak of it to him.
(Referring But here I find it doesn't do
to book.) To speak until you're spoken to.
Where can it be? (Searching book.)
Now let me see--(Finding reference.)
Yes, yes!
"Don't speak until you're spoken to!"
(Exit Dame Hannah.)
ROSE. Poor aunt! Little did the good soul think, when she
breathed the hallowed name of Robin, that he would do even as
well as another. But he resembleth all the youths in this
village, in that he is unduly bashful in my presence, and lo, it
is hard to bring him to the point. But soft, he is here!
(Rose is about to go when Robin enters and calls her.)
ROBIN. Mistress Rose!
ROSE. (Surprised.) Master Robin!
ROB. I wished to say that--it is fine.
ROSE. It is passing fine.
ROB. But we do want rain.
ROSE. Aye, sorely! Is that all?
ROB. (Sighing.) That is all.
ROSE. Good day, Master Robin!
ROB. Good day, Mistress Rose! (Both going--both stop.)
ROSE. I crave pardon, I--
ROB. I beg pardon, I--
ROSE. You were about to say?--
ROB. I would fain consult you--
ROSE. Truly?
ROB. It is about a friend.
ROSE. In truth I have a friend myself.
ROB. Indeed? I mean, of course--
ROSE. And I would fain consult you--
ROB. (Anxiously.) About him?
ROSE. (Prudishly.) About her.
ROB. (Relieved.) Let us consult one another.
DUET-ROBIN and ROSE
ROB. I know a youth who loves a little maid--
(Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!)
Silent is he, for he's modest and afraid--
(Hey, but he's timid as a youth can be!)
ROSE. I know a maid who loves a gallant youth,
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!)
She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth--
(Hey, but I think that little maid will die!)
ROB. Poor little man!
ROSE. Poor little maid!
ROB. Poor little man!
ROSE. Poor little maid!
BOTH. Now tell me pray, and tell me true,
What in the world should the (young man\maiden) do?
ROB. He cannot eat and he cannot sleep--
(Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!)
Daily he goes for to wail--for to weep--
(Hey, but he's wretched as a youth can be!)
ROSE. She's very thin and she's very pale--
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!)
Daily she goes for to weep--for to wail--
(Hey, but I think that little maid will die!)
ROB. Poor little maid!
ROSE. Poor little man!
ROB. Poor little maid!
ROSE. Poor little man!
BOTH. Now tell me pray, and tell me true,
What in the world should the (young man\maiden) do?
ROSE. If I were the youth I should offer her my name--
(Hey, but her face is a sight for to see!)
ROB. If were the maid I should fan his honest flame--
(Hey, but he's bashful as a youth can be!)
ROSE. If I were the youth I should speak to her to-day--
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!)
ROB. If I were the maid I should meet the lad half way--
(For I really do believe that timid youth will
die!)
ROSE. Poor little man!
ROB. Poor little maid!
ROSE. Poor little man!
ROB. Poor little maid!
BOTH. I thank you, (miss\sir), for your counsel true;
I'll tell that (youth\maid) what (he\she) ought to
do!
(Exit ROSE.)
ROB. Poor child! I sometimes think that if she wasn't
quite so particular I might venture--but no, no--even then I
should be unworthy of her!
(He sit desponding. Enter Old Adam.)
ADAM. My kind master is sad! Dear Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd--
ROB. Hush! As you love me, breathe not that hated name.
Twenty years ago, in horror at the prospect of inheriting that
hideous title, and with it the ban that compels all who succeed
to the baronetcy to commit at least one deadly crime per day, for
life, I fled my home, and concealed myself in this innocent
village under the name of Robin Oakapple. My younger brother,
Despard, believing me to be dead, succeeded to the title and its
attendant curse. For twenty years I have been dead and buried.
Don't dig me up now.
ADAM. Dear master, it shall be as you wish, for have I not
sworn to obey you for ever in all things? Yet, as we are here
alone, and as I belong to that particular description of good old
man to whom the truth is a refreshing novelty, let me call you by
your own right title once more! (Robin assents.) Sir Ruthven
Murgatroyd! Baronet! Of Ruddigore! Whew! It's like eight
hours at the seaside!
ROB. My poor old friend! Would there were more like you!
ADAM. Would there were indeed! But I bring you good
tidings. Your foster-brother, Richard, has returned from
sea--his ship the Tom-Tit rides yonder at anchor, and he himself
is even now in this very village!
ROB. My beloved foster-brother? No, no--it cannot be!
ADAM. It is even so--and see, he comes this way!
(Exeunt together.)
(Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids.)
CHORUS.
From the briny sea
Comes young Richard, all victorious!
Valorous is he--
His achievements all are glorious!
Let the welkin ring
With the news we bring
Sing it--shout it--
Tell about it--
Safe and sound returneth he,
All victorious from the sea!
(Enter Richard. The girls welcome him as he greets old
acquaintances.)
BALLAD--RICHARD.
I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop,
And, off Cape Finistere,
A merchantman we see,
A Frenchman, going free,
So we made for the bold Mounseer,
D'ye see?
We made for the bold Mounseer.
CHORUS. So we made for the bold Mounseer,
D'ye see?
We made for the bold Mounseer.
But she proved to be a Frigate--and she up with her
ports,
And fires with a thirty-two!
It come uncommon near,
But we answered with a cheer,
Which paralysed the Parley-voo,
D'ye see?
Which paralysed the Parley-voo!
CHORUS. Which paralysed the Parley-voo,
D'ye see?
Which paralysed the Parley-voo!
Then our Captain he up and he says, says he,
"That chap we need not fear,--
We can take her, if we like,
She is sartin for to strike,
For she's only a darned Mounseer,
D'ye see?
She's only a darned Mounseer!"
CHORUS. For she's only a darned Mounseer,
D'ye see?
She's only a darned Mounseer!
"But to fight a French fal-lal--it's like hittin' of a
gal!
It's a lubberly thing for to do;
For we, with all our faults,
Why, we're sturdy British salts,
While she's only a Parley-voo,
D'ye see?
While she's only a poor Parley-voo!"
CHORUS. While she's only a Parley-voo,
D'ye see?
While she's only a poor Parley-voo!'
So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze
As we gives a compassionating cheer;
Froggee answers with a shout
As he sees us go about,
Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer,
D'ye see?
Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer!
CHORUS. Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer,
D'ye see?
Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer!
And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's
cheek
(Which is what them furriners do),
And they blessed their lucky stars
We were hardy British tars
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo,
D'ye see?
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo!
CHORUS. Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo,
D'ye see?
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo!
(HORNPIPE.)
(Exeunt Chorus.)
(Enter Robin.)
ROB. Richard!
RICH. Robin!
ROB. My beloved foster-brother, and very dearest friend,
welcome home again after ten long years at sea! It is such deeds
as yours that cause our flag to be loved and dreaded throughout
the civilized world!
RICH. Why, lord love ye, Rob, that's but a trifle to what
we have done in the way of sparing life! I believe I may say,
without exaggeration, that the marciful little Tom-Tit has spared
more French frigates than any craft afloat! But 'taint for a
British seaman to brag, so I'll just stow my jawin' tackle and
belay. (Robin sighs.) But 'vast heavin', messmate, what's
brought you all a-cockbill?
ROB. Alas, Dick, I love Rose Maybud, and love in vain!
RICH. You love in vain? Come, that's too good! Why,
you're a fine strapping muscular young fellow--tall and strong as
a to'-gall'n'-m'st--taut as a forestay--aye, and a barrowknight
to boot, if all had their rights!
ROB. Hush, Richard--not a word about my true rank, which
none here suspect. Yes, I know well enough that few men are
better calculated to win a woman's heart than I. I'm a fine
fellow, Dick, and worthy any woman's love--happy the girl who
gets me, say I. But I'm timid, Dick; shy--nervous--modest--
retiring--diffident--and I cannot tell her, Dick, I cannot tell
her! Ah, you've no idea what a poor opinion I have of myself,
and how little I deserve it.
RICH. Robin, do you call to mind how, years ago, we swore
that, come what might, we would always act upon our hearts'
dictates?
ROB. Aye, Dick, and I've always kept that oath. In doubt,
difficulty, and danger I've always asked my heart what I should
do, and it has never failed me.
RICH. Right! Let your heart be your compass, with a clear
conscience for your binnacle light, and you'll sail ten knots on
a bowline, clear of shoals, rocks, and quicksands! Well, now,
what does my heart say in this here difficult situation? Why, it
says, "Dick," it says--(it calls me Dick acos it's known me from
a babby)--"Dick," it says, "you ain't shy--you ain't
modest--speak you up for him as is!" Robin, my lad, just you lay
me alongside, and when she's becalmed under my lee, I'll spin her
a yarn that shall sarve to fish you two together for life!
ROB. Will you do this thing for me? Can you, do you think?
Yes (feeling his pulse). There's no false modesty about you.
Your--what I would call bumptious self-assertiveness (I mean the
expression in its complimentary sense) has already made you a
bos'n's mate, and it will make an admiral of you in time, if you
work it properly, you dear, incompetent old impostor! My dear
fellow, I'd give my right arm for one tenth of your modest
assurance!
SONG--ROBIN.
My boy, you may take it from me,
That of all the afflictions accurst
With which a man's saddled
And hampered and addled,
A diffident nature's the worst.
Though clever as clever can be--
A Crichton of early romance--
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance!
If you wish in the world to advance,
Your merits you're bound to enhance,
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance!
Now take, for example, my case:
I've a bright intellectual brain--
In all London city
There's no one so witty--
I've thought so again and again.
I've a highly intelligent face--
My features cannot be denied--
But, whatever I try, sir,
I fail in--and why, sir?
I'm modesty personified!
If you wish in the world to advance, etc.
As a poet, I'm tender and quaint--
I've passion and fervour and grace--
From Ovid and Horace
To Swinburne and Morris,
They all of them take a back place.
Then I sing and I play and I paint:
Though none are accomplished as I,
To say so were treason:
You ask me the reason?
I'm diffident, modest, and shy!
If you wish in the world to advance, etc.
(Exit Robin.)
RICH. (looking after him). Ah, it's a thousand pities he's
such a poor opinion of himself, for a finer fellow don't walk!
Well, I'll do my best for him. "Plead for him as though it was
for your own father"--that's what my heart's a-remarkin' to me
just now. But here she comes! Steady! Steady it is! (Enter
Rose--he is much struck by her.) By the Port Admiral, but she's
a tight little craft! Come, come, she's not for you, Dick, and
yet--she's fit to marry Lord Nelson! By the Flag of Old England,
I can't look at her unmoved.
ROSE. Sir, you are agitated--
RICH. Aye, aye, my lass, well said! I am agitated, true
enough!--took flat aback, my girl; but 'tis naught--'twill pass.
(Aside.) This here heart of mine's a-dictatin' to me like
anythink. Question is, Have I a right to disregard its
promptings?
ROSE. Can I do aught to relieve thine anguish, for it
seemeth to me that thou art in sore trouble? This
apple--(offering a damaged apple).
RICH. (looking at it and returning it). No, my lass,
'tain't that: I'm--I'm took flat aback--I never see anything like
you in all my born days. Parbuckle me, if you ain't the
loveliest gal I've ever set eyes on. There--I can't say fairer
than that, can I?
ROSE. No. (Aside.) The question is, Is it meet that an
utter stranger should thus express himself? (Refers to book.)
Yes--"Always speak the truth."
RICH. I'd no thoughts of sayin' this here to you on my own
account, for, truth to tell, I was chartered by another; but when
I see you my heart it up and it says, says it, "This is the very
lass for you, Dick"--"speak up to her, Dick," it says--(it calls
me Dick acos we was at school together)--"tell her all, Dick," it
says, "never sail under false colours--it's mean!" That's what
my heart tells me to say, and in my rough, common-sailor fashion,
I've said it, and I'm a-waiting for your reply. I'm a-tremblin',
miss. Lookye here--(holding out his hand). That's narvousness!
ROSE (aside). Now, how should a maiden deal with such an
one? (Consults book.) "Keep no one in unnecessary suspense."
(Aloud.) Behold, I will not keep you in unnecessary suspense.
(Refers to book.) "In accepting an offer of marriage, do so with
apparent hesitation." (Aloud.) I take you, but with a certain
show of reluctance. (Refers to book.) "Avoid any appearance of
eagerness." (Aloud.) Though you will bear in mind that I am far
from anxious to do so. (Refers to book.) "A little show of
emotion will not be misplaced!" (Aloud.) Pardon this tear!
(Wipes her eye.)
RICH. Rose, you've made me the happiest blue-jacket in
England! I wouldn't change places with the Admiral of the Fleet,
no matter who he's a-huggin' of at this present moment! But,
axin' your pardon, miss (wiping his lips with his hand), might I
be permitted to salute the flag I'm a-goin' to sail under?
ROSE (referring to book). "An engaged young lady should not
permit too many familiarities." (Aloud.) Once! (Richard kisses
her.)
DUET--RICHARD and ROSE.
RICH. The battle's roar is over,
O my love!
Embrace thy tender lover,
O my love!
From tempests' welter,
From war's alarms,
O give me shelter
Within those arms!
Thy smile alluring,
All heart-ache curing,
Gives peace enduring,
O my love!
ROSE. If heart both true and tender,
O my love!
A life-love can engender,
O my love!
A truce to sighing
And tears of brine,
For joy undying
Shall aye be mine,
BOTH. And thou and I, love,
Shall live and die, love,
Without a sigh, love--
My own, my love!
(Enter Robin, with Chorus of Bridesmaids.)
CHORUS.
If well his suit has sped,
Oh, may they soon be wed!
Oh, tell us, tell us, pray,
What doth the maiden say?
In singing are we justified,
Hall the Bridegroom--hail the Bride!
Let the nuptial knot be tied:
In fair phrases
Hymn their praises,
Hail the Bridegroom--hall the Bride?
ROB. Well--what news? Have you spoken to her?
RICH. Aye, my lad, I have--so to speak--spoke her.
ROB. And she refuses?
RICH. Why, no, I can't truly say she do.
ROB. Then she accepts! My darling! (Embraces her.)
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom--hail the Bride! etc.
ROSE (aside, referring to her book). Now, what should a
maiden do when she is embraced by the wrong gentleman?
RICH. Belay, my lad, belay. You don't understand.
ROSE. Oh, sir, belay, I beseech you!
RICH. You see, it's like this: she accepts--but it's me!
ROB. You! (Richard embraces Rose.)
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom--hail the Bride!
When the nuptial knot is tied--
ROB. (interrupting angrily). Hold your tongues, will you!
Now then, what does this mean?
RICH. My poor lad, my heart grieves for thee, but it's like
this: the moment I see her, and just as I was a-goin' to mention
your name, my heart it up and it says, says it--"Dick, you've
fell in love with her yourself," it says; "be honest and
sailor-like--don't skulk under false colours--speak up," it says,
"take her, you dog, and with her my blessin'!"
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom--hail the bride--
ROB. Will you be quiet! Go away! (Chorus makes faces at
him and exeunt.) Vulgar girls!
RICH. What could I do? I'm bound to obey my heart's
dictates.
ROB. Of course--no doubt. It's quite right--I don't
mind--that is, not particularly--only it's--it is disappointing,
you know.
ROSE (to Robin). Oh, but, sir, I knew not that thou didst
seek me in wedlock, or in very truth I should not have hearkened
unto this man, for behold, he is but a lowly mariner, and very
poor withal, whereas thou art a tiller of the land, and thou hast
fat oxen, and many sheep and swine, a considerable dairy farm and
much corn and oil!
RICH. That's true, my lass, but it's done now, ain't it,
Rob?
ROSE. Still it may be that I should not be happy in thy
love. I am passing young and little able to judge. Moreover, as
to thy character I know naught!
ROB. Nay, Rose, I'll answer for that. Dick has won thy
love fairly. Broken-hearted as I am, I'll stand up for Dick
through thick and thin!
RICH. (with emotion). Thankye, messmate! that's well said.
That's spoken honest. Thankye, Rob! (Grasps his hand.)
ROSE. Yet methinks I have heard that sailors are but
worldly men, and little prone to lead serious and thoughtful
lives!
ROB. And what then? Admit that Dick is not a steady
character, and that when he's excited he uses language that would
make your hair curl. Grant that--he does. It's the truth, and
I'm not going to deny it. But look at his good qualities. He's
as nimble as a pony, and his hornpipe is the talk of the fleet!
RICH. Thankye, Rob! That's well spoken. Thankye, Rob!
ROSE. But it may be that he drinketh strong waters which do
bemuse a man, and make him even as the wild beasts of the desert!
ROB. Well, suppose he does, and I don't say he don't, for
rum's his bane, and ever has been. He does drink--I won't deny
it. But what of that? Look at his arms--tattooed to the
shoulder! (Rich. rolls up his sleeves.) No, no--I won't hear a
word against Dick!
ROSE. But they say that mariners are but rarely true to
those whom they profess to love!
ROB. Granted--granted--and I don't say that Dick isn't as
bad as any of 'em. (Rich. chuckles.) You are, you know you are,
you dog! a devil of a fellow--a regular out-and-out Lothario!
But what then? You can't have everything, and a better hand at
turning-in a dead-eye don't walk a deck! And what an
accomplishment that is in a family man! No, no--not a word
against Dick. I'll stick up for him through thick and thin!
RICH. Thankye, Rob, thankye. You're a true friend. I've
acted accordin' to my heart's dictates, and such orders as them
no man should disobey.
ENSEMBLE--RICHARD, ROBIN, and ROSE.
In sailing o'er life's ocean wide
Your heart should be your only guide;
With summer sea and favouring wind,
Yourself in port you'll surely find.
SOLO--RICHARD.
My heart says, "To this maiden strike--
She's captured you.
She's just the sort of girl you like--
You know you do.
If other man her heart should gain,
I shall resign."
That's what it says to me quite plain,
This heart of mine.
SOLO--ROBIN.
My heart says, "You've a prosperous lot,
With acres wide;
You mean to settle all you've got
Upon your bride."
It don't pretend to shape my acts
By word or sign;
It merely states these simple facts,
This heart of mine!
SOLO--ROSE.
Ten minutes since my heart said "white"--
It now says "black".
It then said "left"--it now says "right"--
Hearts often tack.
I must obey its latest strain--
You tell me so. (To Richard.)
But should it change its mind again,
I'll let you know.
(Turning from Richard to Robin, who embraces her.)
ENSEMBLE.
In sailing o'er life's ocean wide
No doubt the heart should be your guide;
But it is awkward when you find
A heart that does not know its mind!
(Exeunt Robin with Rose L., and Richard, weeping, R.)
(Enter Mad Margaret. She is wildly dressed in picturesque tatters,
and is an obvious caricature of theatrical madness.)
SCENA--MARGARET.
Cheerily carols the lark
Over the cot.
Merrily whistles the clerk
Scratching a blot.
But the lark
And the clerk,
I remark,
Comfort me not!
Over the ripening peach
Buzzes the bee.
Splash on the billowy beach
Tumbles the sea.
But the peach
And the beach
They are each
Nothing to me!
And why?
Who am I?
Daft Madge! Crazy Meg!
Mad Margaret! Poor Peg!
He! he! he! he! (chuckling).
Mad, I?
Yes, very!
But why?
Mystery!
Don't call!
Whisht! whisht!
No crime--
'Tis only
That I'm
Love-lonely!
That's all!
BALLAD--MARGARET.
To a garden full of posies
Cometh one to gather flowers,
And he wanders through its bowers
Toying with the wanton roses,
Who, uprising from their beds,
Hold on high their shameless heads
With their pretty lips a-pouting,
Never doubting--never doubting
That for Cytherean posies
He would gather aught but roses!
In a nest of weeds and nettles
Lay a violet, half-hidden,
Hoping that his glance unbidden
Yet might fall upon her petals.
Though she lived alone, apart,
Hope lay nestling at her heart,
But, alas, the cruel awaking
Set her little heart a-breaking,
For he gathered for his posies
Only roses--only roses!
(Bursts into tears.)
(Enter Rose.)
ROSE. A maiden, and in tears? Can I do aught to soften thy
sorrow? This apple--(offering apple).
MAR. (Examines it and rejects it.) No! (Mysteriously.)
Tell me, are you mad?
ROSE. I? No! That is, I think not.
MAR. That's well! Then you don't love Sir Despard
Murgatroyd? All mad girls love him. I love him. I'm poor Mad
Margaret--Crazy Meg--Poor Peg! He! he! he! he! (chuckling).
ROSE. Thou lovest the bad Baronet of Ruddigore? Oh,
horrible--too horrible!
MAR. You pity me? Then be my mother! The squirrel had a
mother, but she drank and the squirrel fled! Hush! They sing a
brave song in our parts--it runs somewhat thus: (Sings.)
"The cat and the dog and the little puppee
Sat down in a--down in a--in a----
I forget what they sat down in, but so the song goes!
Listen--I've come to pinch her!
ROSE. Mercy, whom?
MAR. You mean "who".
ROSE. Nay! it is the accusative after the verb.
MAR. True. (Whispers melodramatically.) I have come to
pinch Rose Maybud!
ROSE. (Aside, alarmed.) Rose Maybud!
MAR. Aye! I love him--he loved me once. But that's all
gone, fisht! He gave me an Italian glance--thus (business)--and
made me his. He will give her an Italian glance, and make her
his. But it shall not be, for I'll stamp on her--stamp on her-
-stamp on her! Did you ever kill anybody? No? Why not?
Listen--I killed a fly this morning! It buzzed, and I wouldn't
have it. So it died--pop! So shall she!
ROSE. But, behold, I am Rose Maybud, and I would fain not
die "pop."
MAR. You are Rose Maybud?
ROSE. Yes, sweet Rose Maybud!
MAR. Strange! They told me she was beautiful! And he
loves you! No, no! If I thought that, I would treat you as the
auctioneer and land-agent treated the lady-bird--I would rend you
asunder!
ROSE. Nay, be pacified, for behold I am pledged to another,
and Lo, we are to be wedded this very day!
MAR. Swear me that! Come to a Commissioner and let me have
it on affidavit! I once made an affidavit--but it died--it died-
-it died! But see, they come--Sir Despard and his evil crew!
Hide, hide--they are all mad--quite mad!
ROSE. What makes you think that?
MAR. Hush! They sing choruses in public. That's mad
enough, I think. Go--hide away, or they will seize you! Hush!
Quite softly--quite, quite softly!
(Exeunt together, on tiptoe.)
(Enter Chorus of Bucks and Blades, heralded by Chorus of
Bridesmaids.)
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
Welcome, gentry,
For your entry
Sets our tender hearts a-beating.
Men of station,
Admiration
Prompts this unaffected greeting.
Hearty greeting offer we!
CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADES.
When thoroughly tired
Of being admired,
By ladies of gentle degree--degree,
With flattery sated,
High-flown and inflated,
Away from the city we flee--we flee!
From charms intramural
To prettiness rural
The sudden transition
Is simply Elysian,
So come, Amaryllis,
Come, Chloe and Phyllis,
Your slaves, for the moment, are we!
ALL. From charms intramural, etc.
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
The sons of the tillage
Who dwell in this village
Are people of lowly degree--degree.
Though honest and active,
They're most unattractive,
And awkward as awkward can be--can be.
They're clumsy clodhoppers
With axes and choppers,
And shepherds and ploughmen
And drovers and cowmen,
And hedgers and reapers
And carters and keepers,
But never a lover for me!
ENSEMBLE.
BRIDESMAIDS. BUCKS AND BLADES.
So welcome gentry, etc. When thoroughly tired, etc.
(Enter Sir Despard Murgatroyd.)
SONG AND CHORUS--SIR DESPARD.
SIR D. Oh, why am I moody and sad?
CH. Can't guess!
SIR D. And why am I guiltily mad?
CH. Confess!
SIR D. Because I am thoroughly bad!
CH. Oh yes--
SIR D. You'll see it at once in my face.
Oh, why am I husky and hoarse?
CH. Ah, why?
SIR D. It's the workings of conscience, of course.
CH. Fie, fie!
SIR D. And huskiness stands for remorse,
CH. Oh my!
SIR D. At least it does so in my case!
SIR D. When in crime one is fully employed--
CH. Like you--
SIR D. Your expression gets warped and destroyed:
CH. It do.
SIR D. It's a penalty none can avoid;
CH. How true!
SIR D. I once was a nice-looking youth;
But like stone from a strong catapult--
CH. (explaining to each other). A trice--
SIR D. I rushed at my terrible cult--
CH. (explaining to each other). That's vice--
SIR D. Observe the unpleasant result!
CH. Not nice.
SIR D. Indeed I am telling the truth!
SIR D. Oh, innocent, happy though poor!
CH. That's we--
SIR D. If I had been virtuous, I'm sure--
CH. Like me--
SIR D. I should be as nice-looking as you're!
CH. May be.
SIR D. You are very nice-looking indeed!
Oh, innocents, listen in time--
CH. We doe,
SIR D. Avoid an existence of crime--
CH. Just so--
SIR D. Or you'll be as ugly as I'm--
CH. (loudly). No! No!
SIR D. And now, if you please, we'll proceed.
(All the girls express their horror of Sir Despard. As he
approaches them they fly from him, terror-stricken, leaving
him alone on the stage.)
SIR D. Poor children, how they loathe me--me whose hands
are certainly steeped in infamy, but whose heart is as the heart
of a little child! But what is a poor baronet to do, when a
whole picture gallery of ancestors step down from their frames
and threaten him with an excruciating death if he hesitate to
commit his daily crime? But ha! ha! I am even with them!
(Mysteriously.) I get my crime over the first thing in the
morning, and then, ha! ha! for the rest of the day I do good--I
do good--I do good! (Melodramatically.) Two days since, I stole
a child and built an orphan asylum. Yesterday I robbed a bank
and endowed a bishopric. To-day I carry off Rose Maybud and
atone with a cathedral! This is what it is to be the sport and
toy of a Picture Gallery! But I will be bitterly revenged upon
them! I will give them all to the Nation, and nobody shall ever
look upon their faces again!
(Enter Richard.)
RICH. Ax your honour's pardon, but--
SIR D. Ha! observed! And by a mariner! What would you
with me, fellow?
RICH. Your honour, I'm a poor man-o'-war's-man, becalmed in
the doldrums--
SIR D. I don't know them.
RICH. And I make bold to ax your honour's advice. Does
your honour know what it is to have a heart?
SIR D. My honour knows what it is to have a complete
apparatus for conducting the circulation of the blood through the
veins and arteries of the human body.
RICH. Aye, but has your honour a heart that ups and looks
you in the face, and gives you quarter-deck orders that it's life
and death to disobey?
SIR D. I have not a heart of that description, but I have a
Picture Gallery that presumes to take that liberty.
RICH. Well, your honour, it's like this--Your honour had an
elder brother--
SIR D. It had.
RICH. Who should have inherited your title and, with it,
its cuss.
SIR D. Aye, but he died. Oh, Ruthven!--
RICH. He didn't.
SIR D. He did not?
RICH. He didn't. On the contrary, he lives in this here
very village, under the name of Robin Oakapple, and he's a-going
to marry Rose Maybud this very day.
SIR D. Ruthven alive, and going to marry Rose Maybud! Can
this be possible?
RICH. Now the question I was going to ask your honour is-
-Ought I to tell your honour this?
SIR D. I don't know. It's a delicate point. I think you
ought. Mind, I'm not sure, but I think so.
RICH. That's what my heart says. It says, "Dick," it says
(it calls me Dick acos it's entitled to take that liberty), "that
there young gal would recoil from him if she knowed what he
really were. Ought you to stand off and on, and let this young
gal take this false step and never fire a shot across her bows to
bring her to? No," it says, "you did not ought." And I won't
ought, accordin'.
SIR D. Then you really feel yourself at liberty to tell me
that my elder brother lives--that I may charge him with his cruel
deceit, and transfer to his shoulders the hideous thraldom under
which I have laboured for so many years! Free--free at last!
Free to live a blameless life, and to die beloved and regretted
by all who knew me!
DUET--SIR DESPARD and RICHARD.
RICH. You understand?
SIR D. I think I do;
With vigour unshaken
This step shall be taken.
It's neatly planned.
RICH. I think so too;
I'll readily bet it
You'll never regret it!
BOTH. For duty, duty must be done;
The rule applies to every one,
And painful though that duty be,
To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee!
SIR D. The bridegroom comes--
RICH. Likewise the bride--
The maidens are very
Elated and merry;
They are her chums.
SIR D. To lash their pride
Were almost a pity,
The pretty committee!
BOTH. But duty, duty must be done;
The rule applies to every one,
And painful though that duty be,
To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee!
(Exeunt Richard and Sir Despard.)
(Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids and Bucks.)
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the bride of seventeen summers:
In fair phrases
Hymn her praises;
Lift your song on high, all comers.
She rejoices
In your voices.
Smiling summer beams upon her,
Shedding every blessing on her:
Maidens greet her--
Kindly treat her--
You may all be brides some day!
CHORUS OF BUCKS.
Hail the bridegroom who advances,
Agitated,
Yet elated.
He's in easy circumstances,
Young and lusty,
True and trusty.
ALL. Smiling summer beams upon her, etc.
(Enter Robin, attended by Richard and Old Adam, meeting Rose,
attended by Zorah and Dame Hannah. Rose and Robin embrace.)
MADRIGAL.
ROSE, DAME HANNAH, RICHARD, OLD ADAM with CHORUS.
ROSE. When the buds are blossoming,
Smiling welcome to the spring,
Lovers choose a wedding day--
Life is love in merry May!
GIRLS. Spring is green--Fal lal la!
Summer's rose--Fal la la!
QUARTET. It is sad when summer goes,
Fa la!
MEN. Autumn's gold--Fah lal la!
Winter's grey--Fah lal la!
QUARTET. Winter still is far away--
Fa la!
CHORUS. Leaves in autumn fade and fall,
Winter is the end of all.
Spring and summer teem with glee:
Spring and summer, then, for me!
Fa la!
HANNAH. In the spring-time seed is sown:
In the summer grass is mown:
In the autumn you may reap:
Winter is the time for sleep.
GIRLS. Spring is hope--Fal lal la!
Summer's joy--Fal lal la!
QUARTET. Spring and summer never cloy.
Fa la!
MEN. Autumn,toil--Fal lal la!
Winter, rest--Fal lal la!
QUARTET. Winter, after all, is best--
Fal la!
CHORUS. Spring and summer pleasure you,
Autumn, aye, and winter too--
Every season has its cheer,
Life is lovely all the year!
Fa la!
(Gavotte.)
(After Gavotte, enter Sir Despard.)
SIR D. Hold, bride and bridegroom, ere you wed each other,
I claim young Robin as my elder brother!
His rightful title I have long enjoyed:
I claim him as Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd!
CHORUS. O wonder!
ROSE (wildly). Deny the falsehood, Robin, as you should,
It is a plot!
ROB. I would, if conscientiously I could,
But I cannot!
CHORUS. Ah, base one! Ah, base one!
SOLO--ROBIN.
As pure and blameless peasant,
I cannot, I regret,
Deny a truth unpleasant,
I am that Baronet!
CHORUS. He is that Baronet!
ROBIN. But when completely rated
Bad Baronet am I,
That I am what he's stated
I'll recklessly deny!
CHORUS. He'll recklessly deny!
ROB. When I'm a bad Bart. I will tell taradiddles!
CHORUS. He'll tell taradiddles when he's a bad Bart.
ROB. I'll play a bad part on the falsest of fiddles.
CHORUS. On very false fiddles he'll play a bad part!
ROB. But until that takes place I must be conscientious--
CHORUS. He'll be conscientious until that takes place.
ROB. Then adieu with good grace to my morals sententious!
CHORUS. To morals sententious adieu with good grace!
ZOR. Who is the wretch who hath betrayed thee?
Let him stand forth!
RICH. (coming forward). 'Twas I!
ALL. Die, traitor!
RICH. Hold! my conscience made me!
Withhold your wrath!
SOLO--RICHARD.
Within this breast there beats a heart
Whose voice can't be gainsaid.
It bade me thy true rank impart,
And I at once obeyed.
I knew 'twould blight thy budding fate--
I knew 'twould cause thee anguish great--
But did I therefore hesitate?
No! I at once obeyed!
ALL. Acclaim him who, when his true heart
Bade him young Robin's rank impart,
Immediately obeyed!
SOLO--ROSE (addressing Robin).
Farewell!
Thou hadst my heart--
'Twas quickly won!
But now we part--
Thy face I shun!
Farewell!
Go bend the knee
At Vice's shrine,
Of life with me
All hope resign.
Farewell! Farewell! Farewell!
(To Sir Despard.) Take me--I am thy bride!
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom--hail the Bride!
When the nuptial knot is tied;
Every day will bring some joy
That can never, never cloy!
(Enter Margaret, who listens.)
SIR D. Excuse me, I'm a virtuous person now--
ROSE. That's why I wed you!
SIR D. And I to Margaret must keep my vow!
MAR. Have I misread you?
Oh, joy! with newly kindled rapture warmed,
I kneel before you! (Kneels.)
SIR D. I once disliked you; now that I've reformed,
How I adore you! (They embrace.)
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom-hail the Bride!
When the nuptial knot is tied;
Every day will bring some joy
That can never, never cloy!
ROSE. Richard, of him I love bereft,
Through thy design,
Thou art the only one that's left,
So I am thine! (They embrace.)
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom--hail the Bride!
Let the nuptial knot be tied!
DUET--ROSE and RICHARD.
Oh, happy the lily
When kissed by the bee;
And, sipping tranquilly,
Quite happy is he;
And happy the filly
That neighs in her pride;
But happier than any,
A pound to a penny,
A lover is, when he
Embraces his bride!
DUET--SIR DESPARD and MARGARET.
Oh, happy the flowers
That blossom in June,
And happy the bowers
That gain by the boon,
But happier by hours
The man of descent,
Who, folly regretting,
Is bent on forgetting
His bad baronetting,
And means to repent!
TRIO--HANNAH, ADAM, and ZORAH.
Oh, happy the blossom
That blooms on the lea,
Likewise the opossum
That sits on a tree,
But when you come across 'em,
They cannot compare
With those who are treading
The dance at a wedding,
While people are spreading
The best of good fare!
SOLO--ROBIN.
Oh, wretched the debtor
Who's signing a deed!
And wretched the letter
That no one can read!
But very much better
Their lot it must be
Than that of the person
I'm making this verse on,
Whose head there's a curse on--
Alluding to me!
Repeat ensemble with Chorus.
(Dance)
(At the end of the dance Robin falls senseless on the stage.
Picture.)
END OF ACT I
ACT II
Scene.--Picture Gallery in Ruddigore Castle. The walls are
covered with full-length portraits of the Baronets of
Ruddigore from the time of James I.--the first being that of
Sir Rupert, alluded to in the legend; the last, that of the
last deceased Baronet, Sir Roderic.
Enter Robin and Adam melodramatically. They are greatly altered
in appearance, Robin wearing the haggard aspect of a guilty
roue; Adam, that of the wicked steward to such a man.
DUET--ROBIN and ADAM.
ROB. I once was as meek as a new-born lamb,
I'm now Sir Murgatroyd--ha! ha!
With greater precision
(Without the elision),
Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd--ha! ha!
ADAM. And I, who was once his valley-de-sham,
As steward I'm now employed--ha! ha!
The dickens may take him--
I'll never forsake him!
As steward I'm now employed--ha! ha!
ADDITIONAL SONG
(Omitted after opening night.)
ROB. My face is the index to my mind,
All venom and spleen and gall--ha! ha!
Or, properly speaking,
It soon will be reeking,
With venom and spleen and gall--ha! ha!
ADAM. My name from Adam Goodheart you'll find
I've changed to Gideon Crawle--ha! ha!
For bad Bart's steward
Whose heart is much too hard
Is always Gideon Crawle--ha! ha!
BOTH. How dreadful when an innocent heart
Becomes, perforce, a bad young Bart.,
And still more hard on old Adam,
His former faithful valley-de-sham!
ROB. This is a painful state of things, old Adam!
ADAM. Painful, indeed! Ah, my poor master, when I swore
that, come what would, I would serve you in all things for ever,
I little thought to what a pass it would bring me! The
confidential adviser to the greatest villain unhung! Now, sir,
to business. What crime do you propose to commit to-day?
ROB. How should I know? As my confidential adviser, it's
your duty to suggest something.
ADAM. Sir, I loathe the life you are leading, but a good
old man's oath is paramount, and I obey. Richard Dauntless is
here with pretty Rose Maybud, to ask your consent to their
marriage. Poison their beer.
ROB. No--not that--I know I'm a bad Bart., but I'm not as
bad a Bart. as all that.
ADAM. Well, there you are, you see! It's no use my making
suggestions if you don't adopt them.
ROB. (melodramatically). How would it be, do you think,
were I to lure him here with cunning wile--bind him with good
stout rope to yonder post--and then, by making hideous faces at
him, curdle the heart-blood in his arteries, and freeze the very
marrow in his bones? How say you, Adam, is not the scheme well
planned?
ADAM. It would be simply rude--nothing more. But
soft--they come!
(Adam and Robin retire up as Richard and Rose enter, preceded by
Chorus of Bridesmaids.)
DUET--RICHARD and ROSE.
RICH. Happily coupled are we,
You see--
I am a jolly Jack Tar,
My star,
And you are the fairest,
The richest and rarest
Of innocent lasses you are,
By far--
Of innocent lasses you are!
Fanned by a favouring gale,
You'll sail
Over life's treacherous sea
With me,
And as for bad weather,
We'll brave it together,
And you shall creep under my lee,
My wee!
And you shall creep under my lee!
For you are such a smart little craft--
Such a neat little, sweet little craft,
Such a bright little, tight little,
Slight little, light little,
Trim little, prim little craft!
CHORUS. For she is such, etc.
ROSE. My hopes will be blighted, I fear,
My dear;
In a month you'll be going to sea,
Quite free,
And all of my wishes
You'll throw to the fishes
As though they were never to be;
Poor me!
As though they were never to be.
And I shall be left all alone
To moan,
And weep at your cruel deceit,
Complete;
While you'll be asserting
Your freedom by flirting
With every woman you meet,
You cheat--Ah!
With every woman you meet! Ah!
Though I am such a smart little craft--
Such a neat little, sweet little craft,
Such a bright little, tight little,
Slight little, light little,
Trim little, prim little craft!
CHORUS. Though she is such, etc.
(Enter Robin.)
ROB. Soho! pretty one--in my power at last, eh? Know ye
not that I have those within my call who, at my lightest bidding,
would immure ye in an uncomfortable dungeon? (Calling.) What
ho! within there!
RICH. Hold--we are prepared for this (producing a Union
Jack). Here is a flag that none dare defy (all kneel), and while
this glorious rag floats over Rose Maybud's head, the man does
not live who would dare to lay unlicensed hand upon her!
ROB. Foiled--and by a Union Jack! But a time will come,
and then---
ROSE. Nay, let me plead with him. (To Robin.) Sir Ruthven,
have pity. In my book of etiquette the case of a maiden about to
be wedded to one who unexpectedly turns out to be a baronet with
a curse on him is not considered. Time was when you loved me
madly. Prove that this was no selfish love by according your
consent to my marriage with one who, if he be not you yourself,
is the next best thing--your dearest friend!
BALLAD--ROSE.
In bygone days I had thy love--
Thou hadst my heart.
But Fate, all human vows above,
Our lives did part!
By the old love thou hadst for me--
By the fond heart that beat for thee--
By joys that never now can be,
Grant thou my prayer!
ALL (kneeling). Grant thou her prayer!
ROB. (recitative). Take her--I yield!
ALL. (recitative). Oh, rapture! (All rising.)
CHORUS. Away to the parson we go--
Say we're solicitous very
That he will turn two into one--
Singing hey, derry down derry!
RICH. For she is such a smart little craft-
ROSE. Such a neat little, sweet little craft--
RICH. Such a bright little-
ROSE. Tight little-
RICH. Slight little-
ROSE. Light little-
BOTH. Trim little, prim little craft!
CHORUS. For she is such a smart little craft, etc.
(Exeunt all but Robin.)
ROB. For a week I have fulfilled my accursed doom! I have
duly committed a crime a day! Not a great crime, I trust, but
still, in the eyes of one as strictly regulated as I used to be,
a crime. But will my ghostly ancestors be satisfied with what I
have done, or will they regard it as an unworthy subterfuge?
(Addressing Pictures.) Oh, my forefathers, wallowers in blood,
there came at last a day when, sick of crime, you, each and
every, vowed to sin no more, and so, in agony, called welcome
Death to free you from your cloying guiltiness. Let the sweet
psalm of that repentant hour soften your long-dead hearts, and
tune your souls to mercy on your poor posterity! (Kneeling).
(The stage darkens for a moment. It becomes light again, and the
Pictures are seen to have become animated.)
CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITS.
Painted emblems of a race,
All accurst in days of yore,
Each from his accustomed place
Steps into the world once more.
(The Pictures step from their frames and march round the stage.)
Baronet of Ruddigore,
Last of our accursed line,
Down upon the oaken floor--
Down upon those knees of thine.
Coward, poltroon, shaker, squeamer,
Blockhead, sluggard, dullard, dreamer,
Shirker, shuffler, crawler, creeper,
Sniffler, snuffler, wailer, weeper,
Earthworm, maggot, tadpole, weevil!
Set upon thy course of evil,
Lest the King of Spectre-land
Set on thee his grisly hand!
(The Spectre of Sir Roderic descends from his frame.)
SIR ROD. Beware! beware! beware!
ROB. Gaunt vision, who art thou
That thus, with icy glare
And stern relentless brow,
Appearest, who knows how?
SIR ROD. I am the spectre of the late
Sir Roderic Murgatroyd,
Who comes to warn thee that thy fate
Thou canst not now avoid.
ROB. Alas, poor ghost!
SIR ROD. The pity you
Express for nothing goes:
We spectres are a jollier crew
Than you, perhaps, suppose!
CHORUS. We spectres are a jollier crew
Than you, perhaps, suppose!
SONG--SIR RODERIC.
When the night wind howls in the chimney cowls, and the bat in
the moonlight flies,
And inky clouds, like funeral shrouds, sail over the midnight
skies--
When the footpads quail at the night-bird's wail, and black dogs
bay at the moon,
Then is the spectres' holiday--then is the ghosts' high-noon!
CHORUS. Ha! ha!
Then is the ghosts' high-noon!
As the sob of the breeze sweeps over the trees, and the mists lie
low on the fen,
From grey tomb-stones are gathered the bones that once were women
and men,
And away they go, with a mop and a mow, to the revel that ends
too soon,
For cockcrow limits our holiday--the dead of the night's
high-noon!
CHORUS. Ha! ha!
The dead of the night's high-noon!
And then each ghost with his ladye-toast to their churchyard beds
takes flight,
With a kiss, perhaps, on her lantern chaps, and a grisly grim
"good-night";
Till the welcome knell of the midnight bell rings forth its
jolliest tune,
And ushers in our next high holiday--the dead of the night's
high-noon!
CHORUS. Ha! ha!
The dead of the night's high-noon!
Ha! ha! ha! ha!
ROB. I recognize you now--you are the picture that hangs at
the end of the gallery.
SIR ROD. In a bad light. I am.
ROB. Are you considered a good likeness?
SIR ROD. Pretty well. Flattering.
ROB. Because as a work of art you are poor.
SIR ROD. I am crude in colour, but I have only been painted
ten years. In a couple of centuries I shall be an Old Master,
and then you will be sorry you spoke lightly of me.
ROB. And may I ask why you have left your frames?
SIR ROD. It is our duty to see that our successors commit
their daily crimes in a conscientious and workmanlike fashion.
It is our duty to remind you that you are evading the conditions
under which you are permitted to exist.
ROB. Really, I don't know what you'd have. I've only been
a bad baronet a week, and I've committed a crime punctually every
day.
SIR ROD. Let us inquire into this. Monday?
ROB. Monday was a Bank Holiday.
SIR ROD. True. Tuesday?
ROB. On Tuesday I made a false income-tax return.
ALL. Ha! ha!
1ST GHOST. That's nothing.
2ND GHOST. Nothing at all.
3RD GHOST. Everybody does that.
4TH GHOST. It's expected of you.
SIR ROD. Wednesday?
ROB. (melodramatically). On Wednesday I forged a will.
SIR ROD. Whose will?
ROB. My own.
SIR ROD. My good sir, you can't forge your own will!
ROB. Can't I, though! I like that! I did! Besides, if a
man can't forge his own will, whose will can he forge?
1ST GHOST. There's something in that.
2ND GHOST. Yes, it seems reasonable.
3RD GHOST. At first sight it does.
4TH GHOST. Fallacy somewhere, I fancy!
ROB. A man can do what he likes with his own!
SIR ROD. I suppose he can.
ROB. Well, then, he can forge his own will, stoopid! On
Thursday I shot a fox.
1ST GHOST. Hear, hear!
SIR ROD. That's better (addressing Ghosts). Pass the fox,
I think? (They assent.) Yes, pass the fox. Friday?
ROB. On Friday I forged a cheque.
SIR ROD. Whose cheque?
ROB. Old Adam's.
SIR ROD. But Old Adam hasn't a banker.
ROB. I didn't say I forged his banker--I said I forged his
cheque. On Saturday I disinherited my only son.
SIR ROD. But you haven't got a son.
ROB. No--not yet. I disinherited him in advance, to save
time. You see--by this arrangement--he'll be born ready
disinherited.
SIR ROD. I see. But I don't think you can do that.
ROB. My good sir, if I can't disinherit my own unborn son,
whose unborn son can I disinherit?
SIR ROD. Humph! These arguments sound very well, but I
can't help thinking that, if they were reduced to syllogistic
form, they wouldn't hold water. Now quite understand us. We are
foggy, but we don't permit our fogginess to be presumed upon.
Unless you undertake to--well, suppose we say, carry off a lady?
(Addressing Ghosts.) Those who are in favour of his carrying off
a lady? (All hold up their hands except a Bishop.) Those of the
contrary opinion? (Bishop holds up his hands.) Oh, you're never
satisfied! Yes, unless you undertake to carry off a lady at
once--I don't care what lady--any lady--choose your lady--you
perish in inconceivable agonies.
ROB. Carry off a lady? Certainly not, on any account.
I've the greatest respect for ladies, and I wouldn't do anything
of the kind for worlds! No, no. I'm not that kind of baronet, I
assure you! If that's all you've got to say, you'd better go
back to your frames.
SIR ROD. Very good--then let the agonies commence.
(Ghosts make passes. Robin begins to writhe in agony.)
ROB. Oh! Oh! Don't do that! I can't stand it!
SIR ROD. Painful, isn't it? It gets worse by degrees.
ROB. Oh--Oh! Stop a bit! Stop it, will you? I want to
speak.
(Sir Roderic makes signs to Ghosts, who resume their attitudes.)
SIR ROD. Better?
ROB. Yes--better now! Whew!
SIR ROD. Well, do you consent?
ROB. But it's such an ungentlemanly thing to do!
SIR ROD. As you please. (To Ghosts.) Carry on!
ROB. Stop--I can't stand it! I agree! I promise! It
shall be done!
SIR ROD. To-day?
ROB. To-day!
SIR ROD. At once?
ROB. At once! I retract! I apologize! I had no idea it
was anything like that!
CHORUS.
He yields! He answers to our call!
We do not ask for more.
A sturdy fellow, after all,
This latest Ruddigore!
All perish in unheard-of woe
Who dare our wills defy;
We want your pardon, ere we go,
For having agonized you so--
So pardon us--
So pardon us--
So pardon us--
Or die!
ROB. I pardon you!
I pardon you!
ALL. He pardons us-
Hurrah!
(The Ghosts return to their frames.)
CHORUS. Painted emblems of a race,
All accurst in days of yore,
Each to his accustomed place
Steps unwillingly once more!
(By this time the Ghosts have changed to pictures again. Robin
is overcome by emotion.)
(Enter Adam.)
ADAM. My poor master, you are not well--
ROB. Old Adam, it won't do--I've seen 'em--all my
ancestors--they're just gone. They say that I must do something
desperate at once, or perish in horrible agonies. Go--go to
yonder village--carry off a maiden--bring her here at once--any
one--I don't care which--
ADAM. But--
ROB. Not a word, but obey! Fly!
(Exeunt Adam)
RECIT. and SONG--ROBIN.
Away, Remorse!
Compunction, hence!.
Go, Moral Force!
Go, Penitence!
To Virtue's plea
A long farewell--
Propriety,
I ring your knell!
Come, guiltiness of deadliest hue!
Come, desperate deeds of derring-do!
Henceforth all the crimes that I find in the Times.
I've promised to perpetrate daily;
To-morrow I start with a petrified heart,
On a regular course of Old Bailey.
There's confidence tricking, bad coin, pocket-picking,
And several other disgraces--
There's postage-stamp prigging, and then thimble-rigging,
The three-card delusion at races!
Oh! A baronet's rank is exceedingly nice,
But the title's uncommonly dear at the price!
Ye well-to-do squires, who live in the shires,
Where petty distinctions are vital,
Who found Athenaeums and local museums,
With a view to a baronet's title--
Ye butchers and bakers and candlestick makers
Who sneer at all things that are tradey--
Whose middle-class lives are embarrassed by wives
Who long to parade as "My Lady",
Oh! allow me to offer a word of advice,
The title's uncommonly dear at the price!
Ye supple M.P.'s who go down on your knees,
Your precious identity sinking,
And vote black or white as your leaders indite
(Which saves you the trouble of thinking),
For your country's good fame, her repute, or her shame,
You don't care the snuff of a candle--
But you're paid for your game when you're told that your name
Will be graced by a baronet's handle--
Oh! Allow me to give you a word of advice--
The title's uncommonly dear at the price!
(Exit Robin.)
(Enter Despard and Margaret. They are both dressed in sober black
of formal cut, and present a strong contrast to their
appearance in Act I.)
DUET.
DES. I once was a very abandoned person--
MAR. Making the most of evil chances.
DES. Nobody could conceive a worse 'un--
MAR. Even in all the old romances.
DES. I blush for my wild extravagances,
But be so kind
To bear in mind,
MAR. We were the victims of circumstances!
(Dance.)
That is one of our blameless dances.
MAR. I was once an exceedingly odd young lady--
DES. Suffering much from spleen and vapours.
MAR. Clergymen thought my conduct shady--
DES. She didn't spend much upon linen-drapers.
MAR. It certainly entertained the gapers.
My ways were strange
Beyond all range--
DES. Paragraphs got into all the papers.
(Dance.)
DES. We only cut respectable capers.
DES. I've given up all my wild proceedings.
MAR. My taste for a wandering life is waning.
DES. Now I'm a dab at penny readings.
MAR. They are not remarkably entertaining.
DES. A moderate livelihood we're gaining.
MAR. In fact we rule
A National School.
DES. The duties are dull, but I'm not complaining.
(Dance.)
This sort of thing takes a deal of training!
DES. We have been married a week.
MAR. One happy, happy week!
DES. Our new life--
MAR. Is delightful indeed!
DES. So calm!
MAR. So unimpassioned! (Wildly). Master, all this I owe
to you! See, I am no longer wild and untidy. My hair is combed.
My face is washed. My boots fit!
DES. Margaret, don't. Pray restrain yourself. Remember,
you are now a district visitor.
MAR. A gentle district visitor!
DES. You are orderly, methodical, neat; you have your
emotions well under control.
MAR. I have! (Wildly). Master, when I think of all you
have done for me, I fall at your feet. I embrace your ankles. I
hug your knees! (Doing so.)
DES. Hush. This is not well. This is calculated to
provoke remark. Be composed, I beg!
MAR. Ah! you are angry with poor little Mad Margaret!
DES. No, not angry; but a district visitor should learn to
eschew melodrama. Visit the poor, by all means, and give them
tea and barley-water, but don't do it as if you were
administering a bowl of deadly nightshade. It upsets them. Then
when you nurse sick people, and find them not as well as could be
expected, why go into hysterics?
MAR. Why not?
DES. Because it's too jumpy for a sick-room.
MAR. How strange! Oh, Master! Master!--how shall I express
the all-absorbing gratitude that--(about to throw herself at his
feet).
DES. Now! (Warningly).
MAR. Yes, I know, dear--it shan't occur again. (He is
seated--she sits on the ground by him.) Shall I tell you one of
poor Mad Margaret's odd thoughts? Well, then, when I am lying
awake at night, and the pale moonlight streams through the
latticed casement, strange fancies crowd upon my poor mad brain,
and I sometimes think that if we could hit upon some word for you
to use whenever I am about to relapse--some word that teems with
hidden meaning--like "Basingstoke"--it might recall me to my
saner self. For, after all, I am only Mad Margaret! Daft Meg!
Poor Meg! He! he! he!
DES. Poor child, she wanders! But soft--some one
comes--Margaret--pray recollect yourself--Basingstoke, I beg!
Margaret, if you don't Basingstoke at once, I shall be seriously
angry.
MAR. (recovering herself). Basingstoke it is!
DES. Then make it so.
(Enter Robin. He starts on seeing them.)
ROB. Despard! And his young wife! This visit is
unexpected.
MAR. Shall I fly at him? Shall I tear him limb from limb?
Shall I rend him asunder? Say but the word and--
DES. Basingstoke!
MAR. (suddenly demure). Basingstoke it is!
DES. (aside). Then make it so. (Aloud.) My brother--I
call you brother still, despite your horrible profligacy--we have
come to urge you to abandon the evil courses to which you have
committed yourself, and at any cost to become a pure and
blameless ratepayer.
ROB. But I've done no wrong yet.
MAR. (wildly). No wrong! He has done no wrong! Did you
hear that!
DES. Basingstoke!
MAR. (recovering herself). Basingstoke it is!
DES. My brother--I still call you brother, you observe--you
forget that you have been, in the eye of the law, a Bad Baronet
of Ruddigore for ten years--and you are therefore responsible--in
the eye of the law--for all the misdeeds committed by the unhappy
gentleman who occupied your place.
ROB. I see! Bless my heart, I never thought of that! Was
I very bad?
DES. Awful. Wasn't he? (To Margaret).
ROB. And I've been going on like this for how long?
DES. Ten years! Think of all the atrocities you have
committed--by attorney as it were--during that period. Remember
how you trifled with this poor child's affections--how you raised
her hopes on high (don't cry, my love--Basingstoke, you know),
only to trample them in the dust when they were at the very
zenith of their fullness. Oh fie, sir, fie--she trusted you!
ROB. Did she? What a scoundrel I must have been! There,
there--don't cry, my dear (to Margaret, who is sobbing on Robin's
breast), it's all right now. Birmingham, you know--Birmingham--
MAR. (sobbing). It's Ba--Ba--Basingstoke!
ROB. Basingstoke! Of course it is--Basingstoke.
MAR. Then make it so!
ROB. There, there--it's all right--he's married you
now--that is, I've married you (turning to Despard)--I say, which
of us has married her?
DES. Oh, I've married her.
ROB. (aside). Oh, I'm glad of that. (To Margaret.) Yes,
he's married you now (passing her over to Despard), and anything
more disreputable than my conduct seems to have been I've never
even heard of. But my mind is made up--I will defy my ancestors.
I will refuse to obey their behests, thus, by courting death,
atone in some degree for the infamy of my career!
MAR. I knew it--I knew it--God bless
you--(Hysterically).
DES. Basingstoke!
MAR. Basingstoke it is! (Recovers herself.)
PATTER-TRIO.
ROBIN, DESPARD, and MARGARET.
ROB. My eyes are fully open to my awful situation--
I shall go at once to Roderic and make him an oration.
I shall tell him I've recovered my forgotten moral senses,
And I don't care twopence-halfpenny for any consequences.
Now I do not want to perish by the sword or by the dagger,
But a martyr may indulge a little pardonable swagger,
And a word or two of compliment my vanity would flatter,
But I've got to die tomorrow, so it really doesn't matter!
DES. So it really doesn't matter--
MAR. So it really doesn't matter--
ALL. So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!
MAR. If were not a little mad and generally silly
I should give you my advice upon the subject, willy-nilly;
I should show you in a moment how to grapple with the
question,
And you'd really be astonished at the force of my
suggestion.
On the subject I shall write you a most valuable letter,
Full of excellent suggestions when I feel a little better,
But at present I'm afraid I am as mad as any hatter,
So I'll keep 'em to myself, for my opinion doesn't matter!
DES. Her opinion doesn't matter--
ROB. Her opinion doesn't matter--
ALL. Her opinion doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter,
matter!
DES. If I had been so lucky as to have a steady brother
Who could talk to me as we are talking now to one another--
Who could give me good advice when he discovered I was
erring
(Which is just the very favour which on you I am
conferring),
My story would have made a rather interesting idyll,
And I might have lived and died a very decent indiwiddle.
This particularly rapid, unintelligible patter
Isn't generally heard, and if it is it doesn't matter!
ROB. If it is it doesn't matter--
MAR. If it is it doesn't matter--
ALL. If it is it doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter,
matter!
(Exeunt Despard and Margaret.)
(Enter Adam.)
ADAM (guiltily). Master--the deed is done!
ROB. What deed?
ADAM. She is here--alone, unprotected--
ROB. Who?
ADAM. The maiden. I've carried her off--I had a hard task,
for she fought like a tiger-cat!
ROB. Great heaven, I had forgotten her! I had hoped to
have died unspotted by crime, but I am foiled again--and by a
tiger-cat! Produce her--and leave us!
(Adam introduces Dame Hannah, very much excited, and exits.)
ROB. Dame Hannah! This is--this is not what I expected.
HAN. Well, sir, and what would you with me? Oh, you have
begun bravely--bravely indeed! Unappalled by the calm dignity of
blameless womanhood, your minion has torn me from my spotless
home, and dragged me, blindfold and shrieking, through hedges,
over stiles, and across a very difficult country, and left me,
helpless and trembling, at your mercy! Yet not helpless, coward
sir, for approach one step--nay, but the twentieth part of one
poor inch--and this poniard (produces a very small dagger) shall
teach ye what it is to lay unholy hands on old Stephen Trusty's
daughter!
ROB. Madam, I am extremely sorry for this. It is not at
all what I intended--anything more correct--more deeply
respectful than my intentions towards you, it would be impossible
for any one--however particular--to desire.
HAN. Bah, I am not to be tricked by smooth words,
hypocrite! But be warned in time, for there are, without, a
hundred gallant hearts whose trusty blades would hack him limb
from limb who dared to lay unholy hands on old Stephen Trusty's
daughter!
ROB. And this is what it is to embark upon a career of
unlicensed pleasure!
(Dame Hannah, who has taken a formidable dagger from one of the
armed figures, throws her small dagger to Robin.)
HAN. Harkye, miscreant, you have secured me, and I am your
poor prisoner; but if you think I cannot take care of myself you
are very much mistaken. Now then, it's one to one, and let the
best man win!
(Making for him.)
ROB. (in an agony of terror). Don't! don't look at me like
that! I can't bear it! Roderic! Uncle! Save me!
(Sir Roderic enters, from his picture. He comes down the stage.)
ROD. What is the matter? Have you carried her off?
ROB. I have--she is there--look at her--she terrifies me!
ROD. (looking at Hannah). Little Nannikin!
HAN. (amazed). Roddy-doddy!
ROD. My own old love! Why, how came you here?
HAN. This brute--he carried me off! Bodily! But I'll show
him! (about to rush at Robin).
ROD. Stop! (To Rob.) What do you mean by carrying off
this lady? Are you aware that once upon a time she was engaged
to be married to me? I'm very angry--very angry indeed.
ROB. Now I hope this will be a lesson to you in future not
to--
ROD. Hold your tongue, sir.
ROB. Yes, uncle.
ROD. Have you given him any encouragement?
HAN. (to Rob.). Have I given you any encouragement?
Frankly now, have I?
ROB. No. Frankly, you have not. Anything more
scrupulously correct than your conduct, it would be impossible to
desire.
ROD. You go away.
ROB. Yes, uncle. (Exit Robin.)
ROD. This is a strange meeting after so many years!
HAN. Very. I thought you were dead.
ROD. I am. I died ten years ago.
HAN. And are you pretty comfortable?
ROD. Pretty well--that is--yes, pretty well.
HAN. You don't deserve to be, for I loved you all the
while, dear; and it made me dreadfully unhappy to hear of all
your goings-on, you bad, bad boy!
BALLAD--DAME HANNAH.
There grew a little flower
'Neath a great oak tree:
When the tempest 'gan to lower
Little heeded she:
No need had she to cower,
For she dreaded not its power--
She was happy in the bower
Of her great oak tree!
Sing hey,
Lackaday!
Let the tears fall free
For the pretty little flower
And the great oak tree!
BOTH. Sing hey,
Lackaday! etc.
When she found that he was fickle,
Was that great oak tree,
She was in a pretty pickle,
As she well might be--
But his gallantries were mickle,
For Death followed with his sickle,
And her tears began to trickle
For her great oak tree!
Sing hey,
Lackaday! etc.
BOTH. Sing hey,
Lackaday! etc.
Said she, "He loved me never,
Did that great oak tree,
But I'm neither rich nor clever,
And so why should he?
But though fate our fortunes sever,
To be constant I'll endeavour,
Aye, for ever and for ever,
To my great oak tree!'
Sing hey,
Lackaday! etc.
BOTH. Sing hey,
Lackaday! etc.
(Falls weeping on Sir Roderic's bosom.)
(Enter Robin, excitedly, followed by all the characters and Chorus
of Bridesmaids.)
ROB. Stop a bit--both of you.
ROD. This intrusion is unmannerly.
HAN. I'm surprised at you.
ROB. I can't stop to apologize--an idea has just occurred
to me. A Baronet of Ruddigore can only die through refusing to
commit his daily crime.
ROD. No doubt.
ROB. Therefore, to refuse to commit a daily crime is
tantamount to suicide!
ROD. It would seem so.
ROB. But suicide is, itself, a crime--and so, by your own
showing, you ought never to have died at all!
ROD. I see--I understand! Then I'm practically alive!
ROB. Undoubtedly! (Sir Roderic embraces Dame Hannah.) Rose,
when you believed that I was a simple farmer, I believe you loved
me?
ROSE. Madly, passionately!
ROB. But when I became a bad baronet, you very properly
loved Richard instead?
ROSE. Passionately, madly!
ROB. But if I should turn out not to be a bad baronet after
all, how would you love me then?
ROSE. Madly, passionately!
ROB. As before?
ROSE. Why, of course.
ROB. My darling! (They embrace.)
RICH. Here, I say, belay!
ROSE. Oh, sir, belay, if it's absolutely necessary!
ROB. Belay? Certainly not!
FINALE
ROB. Having been a wicked baronet a week
Once again a modest livelihood I seek.
Agricultural employment
Is to me a keen enjoyment,
For I'm naturally diffident and meek!
ROSE. When a man has been a naughty baronet,
And expresses deep repentance and regret,
You should help him, if you're able,
Like the mousie in the fable,
That's the teaching of my Book of Etiquette.
CHORUS. That's the teaching in her Book of Etiquette.
RICH. If you ask me why I do not pipe my eye,
Like an honest British sailor, I reply,
That with Zorah for my missis,
There'll be bread and cheese and kisses,
Which is just the sort of ration I enjye!
CHORUS. Which is just the sort of ration you enjye!
DES. and MAR. Prompted by a keen desire to evoke
All the blessed calm of matrimony's yoke,
We shall toddle off tomorrow,
From this scene of sin and sorrow,
For to settle in the town of Basingstoke!
ALL. For happy the lily
That's kissed by the bee;
And, sipping tranquilly,
Quite happy is he;
And happy the filly
That neighs in her pride;
But happier than any,
A pound to a penny,
A lover is, when he
Embraces his bride!
CURTAIN
THE SORCERER
Libretto by William S. Gilbert
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Sir Marmaduke Pointdextre, an Elderly Baronet
Alexis, of the Grenadier Guards--His Son
Dr. Daly, Vicar of Ploverleigh
John Wellington Wells, of J. W. Wells & Co., Family Sorcerers
Lady Sangazure, a Lady of Ancient Lineage
Aline, Her Daughter--betrothed to Alexis
Mrs. Partlet, a Pew-Opener
Constance, her Daughter
Chorus of Villagers
ACT I--Grounds of Sir Marmaduke's Mansion, Mid-day
(Twelve hours are supposed to elapse between Acts I and II)
ACT II-- Grounds of Sir Marmaduke's Mansion, Midnight
Act I.
SCENE--Exterior of Sir Marmaduke's Elizabethan Mansion, mid-day.
CHORUS OF VILLAGERS
Ring forth, ye bells,
With clarion sound--
Forget your knells,
For joys abound.
Forget your notes
Of mournful lay,
And from your throats
Pour joy to-day.
For to-day young Alexis--young Alexis Pointdextre
Is betrothed to Aline--to Aline Sangazure,
And that pride of his sex is--of his sex is to be next her
At the feast on the green--on the green, oh, be sure!
Ring forth, ye bells etc.
(Exeunt the men
into house.)
(Enter Mrs. Partlet with Constance, her daughter)
RECITATIVE
MRS. P. Constance, my daughter, why this strange depression?
The village rings with seasonable joy,
Because the young and amiable Alexis,
Heir to the great Sir Marmaduke Pointdextre,
Is plighted to Aline, the only daughter
Of Annabella, Lady Sangazure.
You, you alone are sad and out of spirits;
What is the reason? Speak, my daughter, speak!
CON. Oh, mother, do not ask! If my complexion
From red to white should change in quick succession,
And then from white to red, oh, take no notice!
If my poor limbs should tremble with emotion,
Pay no attention, mother--it is nothing!
If long and deep-drawn sighs I chance to utter,
Oh, heed them not, their cause must ne'er be known!
Mrs. Partlet motions to Chorus to leave her with Constance. Exeunt
ladies of Chorus.
ARIA--CONSTANCE
When he is here,
I sigh with pleasure--
When he is gone,
I sigh with grief.
My hopeless fear
No soul can measure--
His love alone
Can give my aching heart relief!
When he is cold,
I weep for sorrow--
When he is kind,
I weep for joy.
My grief untold
Knows no to-morrow--
My woe can find
No hope, no solace, no alloy!
MRS. P. Come, tell me all about it! Do not fear--
I, too, have loved; but that was long ago!
Who is the object of your young affections?
CONST. Hush, mother! He is here! (Looking off)
Enter Dr. Daly. He is pensive and does not see them
MRS. P. (amazed) Our reverend vicar!
CONST. Oh, pity me, my heart is almost broken!
MRS. P. My child, be comforted. To such an union
I shall not offer any opposition.
Take him--he's yours! May you and he be happy!
CONST. But, mother dear, he is not yours to give!
MRS. P. That's true, indeed!
CONST. He might object!
MRS. P. He might.
But come--take heart--I'll probe him on the subject.
Be comforted--leave this affair to me.
(They
withdraw.)
RECITATIVE--DR. DALY
The air is charged with amatory numbers--
Soft madrigals, and dreamy lovers' lays.
Peace, peace, old heart! Why waken from its slumbers
The aching memory of the old, old days?
BALLAD
Time was when Love and I were well acquainted.
Time was when we walked ever hand in hand.
A saintly youth, with worldly thought untainted,
None better-loved than I in all the land!
Time was, when maidens of the noblest station,
Forsaking even military men,
Would gaze upon me, rapt in adoration--
Ah me, I was a fair young curate then!
Had I a headache? sighed the maids assembled;
Had I a cold? welled forth the silent tear;
Did I look pale? then half a parish trembled;
And when I coughed all thought the end was near!
I had no care--no jealous doubts hung o'er me--
For I was loved beyond all other men.
Fled gilded dukes and belted earls before me--
Ah me, I was a pale young curate them!
(At the conclusion of the ballad, Mrs. Partlet comes forward with
Constance.)
MRS. P. Good day, reverend sir.
DR. D. Ah, good Mrs. Partlet, I am glad to see you. And
your little daughter, Constance! Why, she is quite a little
woman, I declare!
CONST. (aside) Oh, mother, I cannot speak to him!
MRS. P. Yes, reverend sir, she is nearly eighteen, and as
good a girl as ever stepped. (Aside to Dr. Daly) Ah, sir, I'm
afraid I shall soon lose her!
DR. D. (aside to Mrs. Partlet) Dear me, you pain me very
much. Is she delicate?
MRS. P. Oh no, sir--I don't mean that--but young girls look
to get married.
DR. D. Oh, I take you. To be sure. But there's plenty of
time for that. Four or five years hence, Mrs. Partlet, four or
five years hence. But when the time does come, I shall have much
pleasure in marrying her myself--
CONST. (aside) Oh, mother!
DR. D. To some strapping young fellow in her own rank of
life.
CONST. (in tears) He does not love me!
MRS. P. I have often wondered, reverend sir (if you'll
excuse the liberty), that you have never married.
DR. D. (aside) Be still, my fluttering heart!
MRS. P. A clergyman's wife does so much good in a village.
besides that, you are not as young as you were, and before very
long you will want somebody to nurse you, and look after your
little comforts.
DR. D. Mrs. Partlet, there is much truth in what you say.
I am indeed getting on in years, and a helpmate would cheer my
declining days. Time was when it might have been; but I have
left it too long--I am an old fogy, now, am I not, my dear? (to
Constance)--a very old fogy, indeed. Ha! ha! No, Mrs. Partlet,
my mind is quite made up. I shall live and die a solitary old
bachelor.
CONST. Oh, mother, mother! (Sobs on Mrs. Partlet's bosom)
MRS. P. Come, come, dear one, don't fret. At a more
fitting time we will try again--we will try again.
(Exeunt Mrs. Partlet and
Constance.)
DR. D. (looking after them) Poor little girl! I'm afraid
she has something on her mind. She is rather comely. Time was
when this old heart would have throbbed in double-time at the
sight of such a fairy form! But tush! I am puling! Here comes
the young Alexis with his proud and happy father. Let me dry
this tell-tale tear!
Enter Sir Marmaduke and Alexis
RECITATIVE
DR. D. Sir Marmaduke--my dear young friend, Alexis--
On this most happy, most auspicious plighting--
Permit me as a true old friend to tender
My best, my very best congratulations!
SIR M. Sir, you are most obleeging!
ALEX. Dr. Daly
My dear old tutor, and my valued pastor,
I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
(Spoken
through music)
DR. D. May fortune bless you! may the middle distance
Of your young life be pleasant as the foreground--
The joyous foreground! and, when you have reached it,
May that which now is the far-off horizon
(But which will then become the middle distance),
In fruitful promise be exceeded only
By that which will have opened, in the meantime,
Into a new and glorious horizon!
SIR M. Dear Sir, that is an excellent example
Of an old school of stately compliment
To which I have, through life, been much addicted.
Will you obleege me with a copy of it,
In clerkly manuscript, that I myself
May use it on appropriate occasions?
DR. D. Sir, you shall have a fairly-written copy
Ere Sol has sunk into his western slumbers!
(Exit
Dr. Daly)
SIR M. (to Alexis, who is in a reverie) Come, come, my
son--your fiancee will be here in five minutes. Rouse yourself
to receive her.
ALEXIS Oh rapture!
SIR M. Yes, you are a fortunate young fellow, and I will
not disguise from you that this union with the House of Sangazure
realizes my fondest wishes. Aline is rich, and she comes of a
sufficiently old family, for she is the seven thousand and
thirty-seventh in direct descent from Helen of Troy. True, there
was a blot on the escutcheon of that lady--that affair with
Paris--but where is the family, other than my own, in which there
is no flaw? You are a lucky fellow, sir--a very lucky fellow!
ALEXIS Father, I am welling over with limpid joy! No
sicklying taint of sorrow overlies the lucid lake of liquid love,
upon which, hand in hand, Aline and I are to float into eternity!
SIR M. Alexis, I desire that of your love for this young
lady you do not speak so openly. You are always singing ballads
in praise of her beauty, and you expect the very menials who wait
behind your chair to chorus your ecstasies. It is not delicate.
ALEXIS Father, a man who loves as I love--
SIR M. Pooh pooh, sir! fifty years ago I madly loved your
future mother-in-law, the Lady Sangazure, and I have reason to
believe that she returned my love. But were we guilty of the
indelicacy of publicly rushing into each other's arms,
exclaiming--
"Oh, my adored one!" "Beloved boy!"
"Ecstatic rapture!" "Unmingled joy!"
which seems to be the modern fashion of love-making? No! it was
"Madam, I trust you are in the enjoyment of good health"--"Sir,
you are vastly polite, I protest I am mighty well"--and so forth.
Much more delicate--much more respectful. But see--Aline
approaches--let us retire, that she may compose herself for the
interesting ceremony in which she is to play so important a part.
(Exeunt Sir Marmaduke and
Alexis.)
(Enter Aline on terrace, preceded by Chorus of Girls.)
CHORUS OF GIRLS
With heart and with voice
Let us welcome this mating:
To the youth of her choice,
With a heart palpitating,
Comes the lovely Aline!
May their love never cloy!
May their bliss me unbounded!
With a halo of joy
May their lives be surrounded!
Heaven bless our Aline!
RECITATIVE--ALINE.
My kindly friends, I thank you for this greeting
And as you wish me every earthly joy,
I trust your wishes may have quick fulfillment!
ARIA--ALINE.
Oh, happy young heart!
Comes thy young lord a-wooing
With joy in his eyes,
And pride in his breast--
Make much of thy prize,
For he is the best
That ever came a-suing.
Yet--yet we must part,
Young heart!
Yet--yet we must part!
Oh, merry young heart,
Bright are the days of thy wooing!
But happier far
The days untried--
No sorrow can mar,
When love has tied
The knot there's no undoing.
Then, never to part,
Young heart!
Then, never to part!
Enter Lady Sangazure
RECITATIVE--LADY S.
My child, I join in these congratulations:
Heed not the tear that dims this aged eye!
Old memories crowd upon me. Though I sorrow,
'Tis for myself, Aline, and not for thee!
Enter Alexis, preceded by Chorus of Men
CHORUS OF MEN AND WOMEN
With heart and with voice
Let us welcome this mating;
To the maid of his choice,
With a heart palpitating,
Comes Alexis, the brave!.
(Sir Marmaduke enters. Lady Sangazure and he exhibit signs of
strong
emotion at the sight of each other which they endeavor to
repress. Alexis and Aline rush into each other's arms.)
RECITATIVE
ALEXIS Oh, my adored one!
ALINE Beloved boy!
ALEXIS Ecstatic rapture!
ALINE Unmingled joy!
(They
retire up.)
DUET--SIR MARMADUKE and LADY SANGAZURE
SIR M. (with stately courtesy)
Welcome joy, adieu to sadness!
As Aurora gilds the day,
So those eyes, twin orbs of gladness,
Chase the clouds of care away.
Irresistible incentive
Bids me humbly kiss your hand;
I'm your service most attentive--
Most attentive to command!
(Aside with frantic vehemence)
Wild with adoration!
Mad with fascination!
To indulge my lamentation
No occasion do I miss!
Goaded to distraction
By maddening inaction,
I find some satisfaction
In apostophe like this:
"Sangazure immortal,
"Sangazure divine,
"Welcome to my portal,
"Angel, oh be mine!"
(Aloud with much ceremony)
Irresistible incentive
Bids me humbly kiss your hand;
I'm your servant most attentive--
Most attentive to command!
LADY S. Sir, I thank you most politely
For your grateful courtesee;
Compliment more true and knightly
Never yet was paid to me!
Chivalry is an ingredient
Sadly lacking in our land--
Sir, I am your most obedient,
Most obedient to command!
(Aside and with great vehemence)
Wild with adoration!
Mad with fascination!
To indulge my lamentation
No occasion do I miss!
Goaded to distraction
By maddening inaction,
I find some satisfaction
In apostophe like this:
"Marmaduke immortal,
"Marmaduke divine,
"Take me to thy portal,
"Loved one, oh be mine!"
(Aloud with much ceremony)
Chivalry is an ingredient
Sadly lacking in our land;
Sir, I am your most obedient,
Most obedient to command!
(During this the Notary has entered, with marriage contract.)
RECITATIVE--NOTARY
All is prepared for sealing and for signing,
The contract has been drafted as agreed;
Approach the table, oh, ye lovers pining,
With hand and seal come execute the deed!
(Alexis and Aline advance and sign, Alexis supported by Sir
Marmaduke,
Aline by her Mother.)
CHORUS
See they sign, without a quiver, it--
Then to seal proceed.
They deliver it--they deliver it
As their Act and Deed!
ALEX. I deliver it--I deliver it
As my Act and Deed!.
ALINE. I deliver it--I deliver it.
As my Act and Deed!
CHO. With heart and with voice
Let us welcome this mating;
Leave them here to rejoice,
With true love palpitating,
Alexis the brave,
And the lovely Aline!
(Exeunt all but Alexis
and Aline.)
ALEXIS At last we are alone! My darling, you are now
irrevocably betrothed to me. Are you not very, very happy?
ALINE Oh, Alexis, can you doubt it? Do I not love you
beyond all on earth, and am I not beloved in return? Is not true
love, faithfully given and faithfully returned, the source of
every earthly joy?
ALEXIS Of that there can be no doubt. Oh, that the world
could be persuaded of the truth of that maxim! Oh, that the
world would break down the artificial barriers of rank, wealth,
education, age, beauty, habits, taste, and temper, and recognize
the glorious principle, that in marriage alone is to be found the
panacea for every ill!
ALINE Continue to preach that sweet doctrine, and you will
succeed, oh, evangel of true happiness!
ALEXIS I hope so, but as yet the cause progresses but
slowly. Still I have made some converts to the principle, that
men and women should be coupled in matrimony without distinction
of rank. I have lectured on the subject at Mechanics'
Institutes, and the mechanics were unanimous in favour of my
views. I have preached in workhouses, beershops, and Lunatic
Asylums, and I have been received with enthusiasm. I have
addressed navvies on the advantages that would accrue to them if
they married wealthy ladies of rank, and not a navvy dissented!
ALINE Noble fellows! And yet there are those who hold that
the uneducated classes are not open to argument! And what do the
countesses say?
ALEXIS Why, at present, it can't be denied, the aristocracy
hold aloof.
ALINE Ah, the working man is the true Intelligence after
all!
ALEXIS He is a noble creature when he is quite sober. Yes,
Aline, true happiness comes of true love, and true love should be
independent of external influences. It should live upon itself
and by itself--in itself love should live for love alone!
BALLAD--ALEXIS
Love feeds on many kinds of food, I know,
Some love for rank, some for duty:
Some give their hearts away for empty show,
And others for youth and beauty.
To love for money all the world is prone:
Some love themselves, and live all lonely:
Give me the love that loves for love alone--
I love that love--I love it only!
What man for any other joy can thirst,
Whose loving wife adores him duly?
Want, misery, and care may do their worst,
If loving woman loves you truly.
A lover's thoughts are ever with his own--
None truly loved is ever lonely:
Give me the love that loves for love alone--
I love that love--I love it only!
ALINE Oh, Alexis, those are noble principles!
ALEXIS Yes, Aline, and I am going to take a desperate step
in support of them. Have you ever heard of the firm of J. W.
Wells & Co., the old-established Family Sorcerers in St. Mary
Axe?
ALINE I have seen their advertisement.
ALEXIS They have invented a philtre, which, if report may
be believed, is simply infallible. I intend to distribute it
through the village, and within half an hour of my doing so there
will not be an adult in the place who will not have learnt the
secret of pure and lasting happiness. What do you say to that?
ALINE Well, dear, of course a filter is a very useful thing
in a house; but still I don't quite see that it is the sort of
thing that places its possessor on the very pinnacle of earthly
joy.
ALEXIS Aline, you misunderstand me. I didn't say a
filter--I said a philtre.
ALINE (alarmed) You don't mean a love-potion?
ALEXIS On the contrary--I do mean a love potion.
ALINE Oh, Alexis! I don't think it would be right. I
don't indeed. And then--a real magician! Oh, it would be
downright wicked.
ALEXIS Aline, is it, or is it not, a laudable object to
steep the whole village up to its lips in love, and to couple
them in matrimony without distinction of age, rank, or fortune?
ALINE Unquestionably, but--
ALEXIS Then unpleasant as it must be to have recourse to
supernatural aid, I must nevertheless pocket my aversion, in
deference to the great and good end I have in view. (Calling)
Hercules.
(Enter a Page from tent)
PAGE Yes, sir.
ALEXIS Is Mr. Wells there?
PAGE He's in the tent, sir--refreshing.
ALEXIS Ask him to be so good as to step this way.
PAGE Yes, sir.
(Exit Page)
ALINE Oh, but, Alexis! A real Sorcerer! Oh, I shall be
frightened to death!
ALEXIS I trust my Aline will not yield to fear while the
strong right arm of her Alexis is here to protect her.
ALINE It's nonsense, dear, to talk of your protecting me
with your strong right arm, in face of the fact that this Family
Sorcerer could change me into a guinea-pig before you could turn
round.
ALEXIS He could change you into a guinea-pig, no doubt, but
it is most unlikely that he would take such a liberty. It's a
most respectable firm, and I am sure he would never be guilty of
so untradesmanlike an act.
(Enter Mr. Wells from tent)
WELLS Good day, sir. (Aline much terrified.)
ALEXIS Good day--I believe you are a Sorcerer.
WELLS Yes, sir, we practice Necromancy in all its branches.
We've a choice assortment of wishing-caps, divining-rods,
amulets, charms, and counter-charms. We can cast you a nativity
at a low figure, and we have a horoscope at three-and-six that we
can guarantee. Our Abudah chests, each containing a patent Hag
who comes out and prophesies disasters, with spring complete, are
strongly recommended. Our Aladdin lamps are very chaste, and our
Prophetic Tablets, foretelling everything--from a change of
Ministry down to a rise in Unified--are much enquired for. Our
penny Curse--one of the cheapest things in the trade--is
considered infallible. We have some very superior Blessings,
too, but they're very little asked for. We've only sold one
since Christmas--to a gentleman who bought it to send to his
mother-in-law--but it turned out that he was afflicted in the
head, and it's been returned on our hands. But our sale of penny
Curses, especially on Saturday nights, is tremendous. We can't
turn 'em out fast enough.
SONG--MR. WELLS
Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells,
I'm a dealer in magic and spells,
In blessings and curses
And ever-filled purses,
In prophecies, witches, and knells.
If you want a proud foe to "make tracks"--
If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax--
You've but to look in
On the resident Djinn,
Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
We've a first-class assortment of magic;
And for raising a posthumous shade
With effects that are comic or tragic,
There's no cheaper house in the trade.
Love-philtre--we've quantities of it;
And for knowledge if any one burns,
We keep an extremely small prophet, a prophet
Who brings us unbounded returns:
For he can prophesy
With a wink of his eye,
Peep with security
Into futurity,
Sum up your history,
Clear up a mystery,
Humour proclivity
For a nativity--for a nativity;
With mirrors so magical,
Tetrapods tragical,
Bogies spectacular,
Answers oracular,
Facts astronomical,
Solemn or comical,
And, if you want it, he
Makes a reduction on taking a quantity!
Oh!
If any one anything lacks,
He'll find it all ready in stacks,
If he'll only look in
On the resident Djinn,
Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
He can raise you hosts
Of ghosts,
And that without reflectors;
And creepy things
With wings,
And gaunt and grisly spectres.
He can fill you crowds
Of shrouds,
And horrify you vastly;
He can rack your brains
With chains,
And gibberings grim and ghastly.
And then, if you plan it, he
Changes organity,
With an urbanity,
Full of Satanity,
Vexes humanity
With an inanity
Fatal to vanity--
Driving your foes to the verge of insanity!
Barring tautology,
In demonology,
'Lectro-biology,
Mystic nosology,
Spirit philology,
High-class astrology,
Such is his knowledge, he
Isn't the man to require an apology!
Oh!
My name is John Wellington Wells,
I'm a dealer in magic and spells,
In blessings and curses
And ever-filled purses,
In prophecies, witches, and knells.
If any one anything lacks,
He'll find it all ready in stacks,
If he'll only look in
On the resident Djinn,
Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
ALEXIS I have sent for you to consult you on a very
important matter. I believe you advertise a Patent Oxy-Hydrogen
Love-at-first-sight Philtre?
WELLS Sir, it is our leading article. (Producing a phial.)
ALEXIS Now I want to know if you can confidently guarantee
it as possessing all the qualities you claim for it in your
advertisement?
WELLS Sir, we are not in the habit of puffing our goods.
Ours is an old-established house with a large family connection,
and every assurance held out in the advertisement is fully
realized. (Hurt)
ALINE (aside) Oh, Alexis, don't offend him! He'll change
us into something dreadful--I know he will!
ALEXIS I am anxious from purely philanthropical motives to
distribute this philtre, secretly, among the inhabitants of this
village. I shall of course require a quantity. How do you sell
it?
WELLS In buying a quantity, sir, we should strongly advise
your taking it in the wood, and drawing it off as you happen to
want it. We have it in four-and-a-half and nine gallon
casks--also in pipes and hogsheads for laying down, and we deduct
10 per cent from prompt cash.
ALEXIS I should mention that I am a Member of the Army and
Navy Stores.
WELLS In that case we deduct 25 percent.
ALEXIS Aline, the villagers will assemble to carouse in a
few minutes. Go and fetch the tea-pot.
ALINE But, Alexis--
ALEXIS My dear, you must obey me, if you please. Go and
fetch the teapot.
ALINE (going) I'm sure Dr. Daly would disapprove of it!
(Exit Aline.)
ALEXIS And how soon does it take effect?
WELLS In twelve hours. Whoever drinks of it loses
consciousness for that period, and on waking falls in love, as a
matter of course, with the first lady he meets who has also
tasted it, and his affection is at once returned. One trial will
prove the fact.
Enter Aline with large tea-pot
ALEXIS Good: then, Mr. Wells, I shall feel obliged if you
will at once pour as much philtre into this teapot as will
suffice to affect the whole village.
ALINE But bless me, Alexis, many of the villages are
married people!
WELLS Madam, this philtre is compounded on the strictest
principles. On married people it has no effect whatever. But
are you quite sure that you have nerve enough to carry you
through the fearful ordeal?
ALEXIS In the good cause I fear nothing.
WELLS Very good, then, we will proceed at once to the
Incantation.
The stage grows dark.
INCANTATION
WELLS. Sprites of earth and air--
Fiends of flame and fire--
Demon souls,
Come here in shoals,
This dreaded deed inspire!
Appear, appear, appear.
MALE VOICES. Good master, we are here!
WELLS. Noisome hags of night--
Imps of deadly shade--
Pallid ghosts,
Arise in hosts,
And lend me all your aid.
Appear, appear, appear!
FEMALE VOICES. Good master, we are here!
ALEXIS. (aside) Hark, they assemble,
These fiends of the night!
ALINE. (aside) Oh Alexis, I tremble,
Seek safety in flight!
ARIA - ALINE
Let us fly to a far-off land,
Where peace and plenty dwell--
Where the sigh of the silver strand
Is echoed in every shell
To the joy that land will give,
On the wings of Love we'll fly;
In innocence, there to live--
In innocence there to die!
CHORUS OF SPIRITS.
Too late--too late
It may not be!
That happy fate
Is not for (me/thee)!
ALEXIS, ALINE, and MR. W.
Too late--too late,
That may not be!
That happy fate,
Is not for thee!
MR. WELLS
Now shrivelled hags, with poison bags,
Discharge your loathsome loads!
Spit flame and fire, unholy choir!
Belch forth your venom, toads!
Ye demons fell, with yelp and yell,
Shed curses far afield--
Ye fiends of night, your filthy blight
In noisome plenty yield!
WELLS (pouring phial into tea-pot--flash)
Number One!
CHORUS It is done!
WELLS (same business) Number Two! (flash)
CHORUS One too few!
WELLS Number Three! (flash)
CHORUS Set us free!
Set us free-our work is done
Ha! ha! ha!
Set us free--our course is run!
Ha! ha! ha!
ALINE AND ALEXIS (aside)
Let us fly to a far-off land,
Where peace and plenty dwell--
Where the sigh of the silver strand
Is echoed in every shell.
CHORUS OF FIENDS.
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
(Stage grows light. Mr. Wells beckons villagers. Enter villagers
and all the dramatis personae, dancing joyously. Mrs. Partlet and
Mr. Wells then distribute tea-cups.)
CHORUS.
Now to the banquet we press;
Now for the eggs, the ham;
Now for the mustard and cress,
Now for the strawberry jam!
Now for the tea of our host,
Now for the rollicking bun,
Now for the muffin and toast,
Now for the gay Sally Lunn!
WOMEN. The eggs and the ham, and the strawberry jam!
MEN. The rollicking bun, and the gay Sally Lunn!
The rollicking, rollicking bun!
RECITATIVE--SIR MARMADUKE
Be happy all--the feast is spread before ye;
Fear nothing, but enjoy yourselves, I pray!
Eat, aye, and drink--be merry, I implore ye,
For once let thoughtless Folly rule the day.
TEA-CUP BRINDISI
Eat, drink, and be gay,
Banish all worry and sorrow,
Laugh gaily to-day,
Weep, if you're sorry, to-morrow!
Come, pass the cup around--
I will go bail for the liquor;
It's strong, I'll be bound,
For it was brewed by the vicar!
CHORUS.
None so knowing as he
At brewing a jorum of tea,
Ha! ha!
A pretty stiff jorum of tea.
TRIO--WELLS, ALINE, and ALEXIS. (aside)
See--see--they drink--
All thoughts unheeding,
The tea-cups clink,
They are exceeding!
Their hearts will melt
In half-an-hour--
Then will be felt
The potions power!
(During this verse Constance has brought a small tea-pot, kettle,
caddy, and cosy to Dr. Daly. He makes tea scientifically.)
BRINDISI, 2nd Verse--DR. DALY (with the tea-pot)
Pain, trouble, and care,
Misery, heart-ache, and worry,
Quick, out of your lair!
Get you gone in a hurry!
Toil, sorrow, and plot,
Fly away quicker and quicker--
Three spoons in the pot--
That is the brew of your vicar!
CHORUS
None so cunning as he
At brewing a jorum of tea,
Ha! ha!
A pretty stiff jorum of tea!
ENSEMBLE--ALEXIS and ALINE (aside)
Oh love, true love--unworldly, abiding!
Source of all pleasure--true fountain of joy,--
Oh love, true love--divinely confiding,
Exquisite treasure that knows no alloy,--
Oh love, true love, rich harvest of gladness,
Peace-bearing tillage--great garner of bliss,--
Oh love, true love, look down on our sadness --
Dwell in this village--oh, hear us in this!
(It becomes evident by the strange conduct of the characters that
the charm is working. All rub their eyes, and stagger about the
stage as if under the influence of a narcotic.)
TUTTI (aside) ALEXIS, MR. WELLS and ALINE
Oh, marvellous illusion! A marvellous illusion!
Oh, terrible surprise! A terrible surprise
What is this strange confusion Excites a strange confusion
That veils my aching eyes? Within their aching eyes--
I must regain my senses, They must regain their senses,
Restoring Reason's law, Restoring Reason's law,
Or fearful inferences Or fearful inferences
Society will draw! Society will draw!
(Those who have partaken of the philtre struggle in vain against
its effects, and, at the end of the chorus, fall insensible on
the stage.)
END OF ACT I
ACT II
Scene--Exterior of Sir Marmaduke's mansion by moonlight. All the
peasantry are discovered asleep on the ground, as at the end of
Act I.
Enter Mr. Wells, on tiptoe, followed by Alexis and Aline. Mr. Wells
carries a dark lantern.
TRIO--ALEXIS, ALINE, and MR. WELLS
'Tis twelve, I think,
And at this mystic hour
The magic drink
Should manifest its power.
Oh, slumbering forms,
How little ye have guessed
That fire that warms
Each apathetic breast!
ALEX. But stay, my father is not here!
ALINE. And pray where is my mother dear?
MR. WELLS. I did not think it meet to see
A dame of lengthy pedigree,
A Baronet and K.C.B.
A Doctor of Divinity,
And that respectable Q.C.,
All fast asleep, al-fresco-ly,
And so I had them taken home
And put to bed respectably!
I trust my conduct meets your approbation.
ALEX. Sir, you have acted with discrimination,
And shown more delicate appreciation
Than we expect of persons of your station.
MR. WELLS. But stay--they waken one by one --
The spell has worked--the deed is done!
I would suggest that we retire
While Love, the Housemaid, lights her kitchen
fire!
(Exeunt Mr. Wells, Alexis and Aline, on tiptoe, as the villagers
stretch their arms, yawn, rub their eyes, and sit up.)
MEN. Why, where be oi, and what be oi a doin',
A sleepin' out, just when the dews du rise?
GIRLS. Why, that's the very way your health to ruin,
And don't seem quite respectable likewise!
MEN. (staring at girls) Eh, that's you!
Only think o' that now!
GIRLS. (coyly) What may you be at, now?
Tell me, du!
MEN. (admiringly) Eh, what a nose,
And eh, what eyes, miss!
Lips like a rose,
And cheeks likewise, miss!
GIRLS. (coyly) Oi tell you true,
Which I've never done, sir,
Oi loike you
As I never loiked none, sir!
ALL. Eh, but oi du loike you!
MEN. If you'll marry me, I'll dig for you
and
rake for you!
GIRLS. If you'll marry be, I'll scrub for you
and bake for you!
MEN. If you'll marry me, all others I'll
forsake for you!
ALL. All this will I du, if you marry
me!
GIRLS. If you'll marry me, I'll cook for you
and brew for you!
MEN. If you'll marry me, I've guineas not
a
few for you!
GIRLS. If you'll marry me, I'll take you in
and
du for you!
ALL. All this will I du, if you'll marry
me!
Eh, but I do loike you!
Country Dance
(At end of dance, enter Constance in tears, leading Notary, who
carries an ear-trumpet)
Aria--CONSTANCE
Dear friends, take pity on my lot,
My cup is not of nectar!
I long have loved--as who would not?--
Our kind and reverend rector.
Long years ago my love began
So sweetly--yet so sadly--
But when I saw this plain old man,
Away my old affection ran--
I found I loved him madly.
Oh!
(To Notary) You very, very plain old man,
I love, I love you madly!
CHORUS. You very, very plain old man,
She loves, she loves you madly!
NOTARY. I am a very deaf old man,
And hear you very badly!
CONST. I know not why I love him so;
It is enchantment, surely!
He's dry and snuffy, deaf and slow
Ill-tempered, weak and poorly!
He's ugly, and absurdly dressed,
And sixty-seven nearly,
He's everything that I detest,
But if the truth must be confessed,
I love him very dearly!
Oh!
(To Notary) You're everything that I detest,
But still I love you dearly!
CHORUS. You've everything that girls detest,
But still she loves you dearly!
NOTARY. I caught that line, but for the rest,
I did not hear it clearly!
(During this verse Aline and Alexis have entered at back
unobserved.)
ALINE AND ALEXIS
ALEX Oh joy! oh joy!
The charm works well,
And all are now united.
ALINE. The blind young boy
Obeys the spell,
And troth they all have plighted!
ENSEMBLE
Aline & Alexis Constance Notary
Oh joy! oh joy! Oh, bitter joy! Oh joy! oh
joy!
The charm works well, No words can tell No words can
tell
And all are now united! How my poor heart My state
of mind
The blind young boy is blighted!
delighted.
Obeys the spell, They'll soon employ They'll soon
employ
A marriage bell, A marriage
bell,
Their troth they all To say that we're To say
that we're
have plighted. united. united.
True happiness I do confess True happiness
Reigns everywhere, A sorrow rare Reigns
everywhere
And dwells with both My humbled spirit And dwells
with both
the sexes. vexes. the
sexes,
And all will bless And none will bless And all will
bless
The thoughtful care Example rare Example rare
Of their beloved Of their beloved Of their
beloved
Alexis! Alexis! Alexis!
(All, except Alexis and Aline, exeunt
lovingly.)
ALINE How joyful they all seem in their new-found
happiness! The whole village has paired off in the happiest
manner. And yet not a match has been made that the hollow world
would not consider ill-advised!
ALEXIS But we are wiser--far wiser--than the world.
Observe the good that will become of these ill-assorted unions.
The miserly wife will check the reckless expenditure of her too
frivolous consort, the wealthy husband will shower innumerable
bonnets on his penniless bride, and the young and lively spouse
will cheer the declining days of her aged partner with comic
songs unceasing!
ALINE What a delightful prospect for him!
ALEXIS But one thing remains to be done, that my happiness
may be complete. We must drink the philtre ourselves, that I may
be assured of your love for ever and ever.
ALINE Oh, Alexis, do you doubt me? Is it necessary that
such love as ours should be secured by artificial means? Oh, no,
no, no!
ALEXIS My dear Aline, time works terrible changes, and I
want to place our love beyond the chance of change.
ALINE Alexis, it is already far beyond that chance. Have
faith in me, for my love can never, never change!
ALEXIS Then you absolutely refuse?
ALINE I do. If you cannot trust me, you have no right to
love me--no right to be loved by me.
ALEXIS Enough, Aline, I shall know how to interpret this
refusal.
BALLAD--ALEXIS
Thou hast the power thy vaunted love
To sanctify, all doubt above,
Despite the gathering shade:
To make that love of thine so sure
That, come what may, it must endure
Till time itself shall fade.
They love is but a flower
That fades within the hour!
If such thy love, oh, shame!
Call it by other name--
It is not love!
Thine is the power and thine alone,
To place me on so proud a throne
That kings might envy me!
A priceless throne of love untold,
More rare than orient pearl and gold.
But no! Thou wouldst be free!
Such love is like the ray
That dies within the day:
If such thy love, oh, shame!
Call it by other name--
It is not love!
Enter Dr. Daly.
DR. D. (musing) It is singular--it is very singular. It
has overthrown all my calculations. It is distinctly opposed to
the doctrine of averages. I cannot understand it.
ALINE Dear Dr. Daly, what has puzzled you?
DR. D. My dear, this village has not hitherto been addicted
to marrying and giving in marriage. Hitherto the youths of this
village have not been enterprising, and the maidens have been
distinctly coy. Judge then of my surprise when I tell you that
the whole village came to me in a body just now, and implored me
to join them in matrimony with as little delay as possible. Even
your excellent father has hinted to me that before very long it
is not unlikely that he may also change his condition.
ALINE Oh, Alexis--do you hear that? Are you not delighted?
ALEXIS Yes, I confess that a union between your mother and
my father would be a happy circumstance indeed. (Crossing to Dr.
Daly) My dear sir--the news that you bring us is very
gratifying.
DR. D. Yes--still, in my eyes, it has its melancholy side.
This universal marrying recalls the happy days--now, alas, gone
forever--when I myself might have--but tush! I am puling. I am
too old to marry--and yet, within the last half-hour, I have
greatly yearned for companionship. I never remarked it before,
but the young maidens of this village are very comely. So
likewise are the middle-aged. Also the elderly. All are
comely--and (with a deep sigh) all are engaged!
ALINE Here comes your father.
Enter Sir Marmaduke with Mrs. Partlet, arm-in-arm
ALINE and ALEXIS (aside). Mrs. Partlet!
SIR M. Dr. Daly, give me joy. Alexis, my dear boy, you
will, I am sure, be pleased to hear that my declining days are
not unlikely to be solaced by the companionship of this good,
virtuous, and amiable woman.
ALEXIS (rather taken aback) My dear father, this is not
altogether what I expected. I am certainly taken somewhat by
surprise. Still it can hardly be necessary to assure you that
any wife of yours is a mother of mine. (Aside to Aline.) It is
not quite what I could have wished.
MRS. P. (crossing to Alexis) Oh, sir, I entreat your
forgiveness. I am aware that socially I am not everything that
could be desired, nor am I blessed with an abundance of worldly
goods, but I can at least confer on your estimable father the
great and priceless dowry of a true, tender, and lovin' 'art!
ALEXIS (coldly) I do not question it. After all, a
faithful love is the true source of every earthly joy.
SIR M. I knew that my boy would not blame his poor father
for acting on the impulse of a heart that has never yet misled
him. Zorah is not perhaps what the world calls beautiful--
DR. D. Still she is comely--distinctly comely. (Sighs)
ALINE Zorah is very good, and very clean, and honest, and
quite, quite sober in her habits: and that is worth far more than
beauty, dear Sir Marmaduke.
DR. D. Yes; beauty will fade and perish, but personal
cleanliness is practically undying, for it can be renewed
whenever it discovers symptoms of decay. My dear Sir Marmaduke,
I heartily congratulate you. (Sighs)
QUINTETTE
ALEXIS, ALINE, SIR MARMADUKE, ZORAH, and DR. DALY
ALEXIS. I rejoice that it's decided,
Happy now will be his life,
For my father is provided
With a true and tender wife.
She will tend him, nurse him, mend him,
Air his linen, dry his tears;
Bless the thoughtful fate that send him
Such a wife to soothe his years!
ALINE. No young giddy thoughtless maiden,
Full of graces, airs, and jeers--
But a sober widow, laden
With the weight of fifty years!
SIR M. No high-born exacting beauty
Blazing like a jewelled sun--
But a wife who'll do her duty,
As that duty should be done!
MRS. P. I'm no saucy minx and giddy--
Hussies such as them abound--
But a clean and tidy widdy
Well be-known for miles around!
DR.D. All the village now have mated,
All are happy as can be--
I to live alone am fated:
No one's left to marry me!
ENSEMBLE. She will tend him etc.
(Exeunt Sir Marmaduke, Mrs. Partlet, and Aline, with Alexis. Dr.
Daly
looks after them sentimentally, then exits with a sigh.)
Enter Mr. Wells
RECITATIVE--MR. WELLS
Oh, I have wrought much evil with my spells!
And ill I can't undo!
This is too bad of you, J. W. Wells--
What wrong have they done you?
And see--another love-lorn lady comes--
Alas, poor stricken dame!
A gentle pensiveness her life benumbs--
And mine, alone, the blame!
Lady Sangazure enters. She is very melancholy
LADY S. Alas, ah me! and well-a-day!
I sigh for love, and well I may,
For I am very old and grey.
But stay!
(Sees Mr. Wells, and becomes fascinated by him.)
RECITATIVE
LADY S. What is this fairy form I see before me?
MR. W. Oh horrible!--She's going to adore me!
This last catastrophe is overpowering!
LADY S. Why do you glare at one with visage lowering?
For pity's sake recoil not thus from me!
MR. W. My lady leave me--this may never be!
DUET--LADY SANGAZURE and MR. WELLS
MR. W. Hate me! I drop my H's--have through life!
LADY S. Love me! I'll drop them too!
MR. W. Hate me! I always eat peas with a knife!
LADY S. Love me! I'll eat like you!
MR. W. Hate me! I spend the day at Rosherville!
LADY S. Love me! that joy I'll share!
MR. W. Hate me! I often roll down One Tree Hill!
LADY S. Love me! I'll join you there!
LADY S. Love me! My prejudices I will drop!
MR. W. Hate me! that's not enough!
LADY S. Love me! I'll come and help you in the shop!
MR. W. Hate me! the life is rough!
LADY S. Love me! my grammar I will all forswear!
MR. W. Hate me! abjure my lot!
LADY S. Love me! I'll stick sunflowers in my hair!
MR. W. Hate me! they'll suit you not!
RECITATIVE--MR. WELLS
At what I am going to say be not enraged--
I may not love you--for I am engaged!
LADY S. (horrified) Engaged!
MR. W. Engaged!
To a maiden fair,
With bright brown hair,
And a sweet and simple smile,
Who waits for me
By the sounding sea,
On a South Pacific isle.
MR. W. (aside) A lie! No maiden waits me there!
LADY S. (mournfully) She has bright brown hair;
MR. W. (aside) A lie! No maiden smiles on me!
LADY S. (mournfully) By the sounding sea!
ENSEMBLE
LADY SANGAZURE MR. W.
Oh agony, rage, despair! Oh, agony, rage,
despair!
The maiden has bright brown hair, Oh, where will this
end--oh, where?
And mine is as white as snow! I should like very much
to know!
False man, it will be your fault, It will certainly be my
fault,
If I go to my family vault, If she goes to her family
vault,
And bury my life-long woe! To bury her life-long
woe!
BOTH. The family vault--the family vault.
It will certainly be (your/my) fault.
If (I go/she goes) to (my/her) family vault,
To bury (my/her) life-long woe!
(Exit Lady Sangazure, in great anguish, accompanied by Mr. Wells.)
Enter Aline, Recitative
Alexis! Doubt me not, my loved one! See,
Thine uttered will is sovereign law to me!
All fear--all thought of ill I cast away!
It is may darling's will, and I obey!
(She drinks the
philtre.)
The fearful deed is done,
My love is near!
I go to meet my own
In trembling fear!
If o'er us aught of ill
Should cast a shade,
It was my darling's will,
And I obeyed!
(As Aline is going off, she meets Dr. Daly, entering pensively. He
is playing on a flageolet. Under the influence of the spell she
at once becomes strangely fascinated by him, and exhibits every
symptom of being hopelessly in love with him.)
SONG--DR. DALY
Oh, my voice is sad and low
And with timid step I go--
For with load of love o'er laden
I enquire of every maiden,
"Will you wed me, little lady?
Will you share my cottage shady?"
Little lady answers "No!
Thank you for your kindly proffer--
Good your heart, and full your coffer;
Yet I must decline your offer--
I'm engaged to So-and-so!"
So-and-so!
So-and-so! (flageolet solo)
She's engaged to So-and-so!
What a rogue young hearts to pillage;
What a worker on Love's tillage!
Every maiden in the village
Is engage to So-and-so!
So-and-so!
So-and-so! (flageolet solo)
All engaged to So-and-so!
(At the end of the song Dr. Daly sees Aline, and, under the
influence of the potion, falls in love with her.)
ENSEMBLE--ALINE and DR. DALY.
Oh, joyous boon! oh, mad delight;
Oh, sun and moon! oh, day and night!
Rejoice, rejoice with me!
Proclaim our joy, ye birds above--
Yet brooklets, murmur forth our love,
In choral ecstasy:
ALINE. Oh, joyous boon!
DR. D. Oh, mad delight!
ALINE. Oh, sun and moon!
DR. D. Oh, day and night!
BOTH. Ye birds, and brooks, and fruitful trees,
With choral joy, delight the breeze--
Rejoice, rejoice with me!
Enter Alexis
ALEXIS (with rapture). Aline my only love, my happiness!
The philtre--you have tasted it?
ALINE (with confusion). Yes! Yes!
ALEXIS Oh, joy, mine, mine for ever, and for aye!
(Embraces her.)
ALINE Alexis, don't do that--you must not!
(Dr. Daly interposes between them)
ALEXIS (amazed). Why?
DUET--ALINE and DR. DALY
ALINE. Alas! that lovers thus should meet:
Oh, pity, pity me!
Oh, charge me not with cold deceit;
Oh, pity, pity me!
You bade me drink--with trembling awe
I drank, and, by the potion's law,
I loved the very first I saw!
Oh, pity, pity, me!
DR. D. My dear young friend, consoled be--
We pity, pity you.
In this I'm not an agent free--
We pity, pity you.
Some most extraordinary spell
O'er us has cast its magic fell--
The consequence I need not tell.
We pity, pit you.
ENSEMBLE
Some most extraordinary spell
O'er (us/them) has cast its magic fell--
The consequence (we/they) need not tell.
(We/They) pity, pity (thee!/me).
ALEXIS (furiously) False one, begone--I spurn thee,
To thy new lover turn thee!
Thy perfidy all men shall know,
ALINE. (wildly) I could not help it!
ALEXIS (calling off) Come one, come all!
DR. D. We could not help it!
ALEXIS (calling off) Obey my call!
ALINE (wildly) I could not help it!
ALEXIS (calling off) Come hither, run!
DR. D. We could not help it!
ALEXIS (calling off) Come, every one!
Enter all the characters except Lady Sangazure and Mr. Wells
CHORUS
Oh, what is the matter, and what is the clatter?
He's glowering at her, and threatens a blow!
Oh, why does he batter the girl he did flatter?
And why does the latter recoil from him so?
RECITATIVE--ALEXIS
Prepare for sad surprises--
My love Aline despises!
No thought of sorrow shames her--
Another lover claims her!
Be his, false girl, for better or for worse--
But, ere you leave me, may a lover's curse--
DR. D. (coming forward) Hold! Be just. This poor child
drank the philtre at your instance. She hurried off to meet
you--but, most unhappily, she met me instead. As you had
administered the potion to both of us, the result was inevitable.
But fear nothing from me--I will be no man's rival. I shall quit
the country at once--and bury my sorrow in the congenial gloom of
a Colonial Bishopric.
ALEXIS My excellent old friend! (Taking his hand--then
turning to Mr. Wells, who has entered with Lady Sangazure.) Oh,
Mr.
Wells, what, what is to be done?
WELLS I do not know--and yet--there is one means by which
this spell may be removed.
ALEXIS Name it--oh, name it!
WELLS Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I
would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in
sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next
week, and it would not be fair on the Co.
ALEXIS True. Well, I am ready!
ALINE No, no--Alexis--it must not be! Mr. Wells, if he
must die that all may be restored to their old loves, what is to
become of me? I should be left out in the cold, with no love to
be restored to!
WELLS True--I did not think of that. (To the others) My
friends, I appeal to you, and I will leave the decision in your
hands.
FINALE
MR. W. Or I or he
Must die!
Which shall it be?
Reply!
SIR M. Die thou!
Thou art the cause of all offending!
DR. D. Die thou!
Yield to this decree unbending!
ALL. Die thou!
MR. W. So be it! I submit! My fate is sealed.
To public execration thus I yield!
(Falls on trap)
Be happy all--leave me to my despair--
I go--it matters not with whom--or where!
(Gong)
(All quit their present partners, and rejoin their old lovers.
Sir Marmaduke leaves Mrs. Partlet, and goes to Lady Sangazure.
Aline
leaves Dr. Daly, and goes to Alexis. Dr. Daly leaves Aline, and
goes
to Constance. Notary leaves Constance, and goes to Mrs. Partlet.
All
the Chorus makes a corresponding change.)
ALL
GENTLEMEN. Oh, my adored one!
LADIES. Unmingled joy!
GENTLEMEN. Ecstatic rapture!
LADIES. Beloved boy!
(They embrace)
SIR M. Come to my mansion, all of you! At least
We'll crown our rapture with another feast!
ENSEMBLE
SIR MARMADUKE, LADY SANGAZURE, ALEXIS, and ALINE
Now to the banquet we press--
Now for the eggs and the ham--
Now for the mustard and cress--
Now for the strawberry jam!
CHORUS Now to the banquet, etc.
DR. DALY, CONSTANCE, NOTARY, and MRS. PARTLET
Now for the tea of our host--
Now for the rollicking bun--
Now for the muffin and toast--
Now for the gay Sally Lunn!
CHORUS. Now for the tea, etc.
(General Dance)
(During the symphony Mr. Wells sinks through the trap, amid red
fire.)
CURTAIN
THESPIS
OR
THE GODS GROWN OLD
Libretto by William S. Gilbert
Music by Arthur S. Sullivan
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
GODS
Jupiter, Aged Diety
Apollo, Aged Diety
Mars, Aged Diety
Diana, Aged Diety
Mercury
THESPIANS
Thespis
Sillimon
Timidon
Tipseion
Preposteros
Stupidas
Sparkeion
Nicemis
Pretteia
Daphne
Cymon
ACT I - Ruined Temple on the Summit of Mount Olympus
ACT II - The same Scene, with the Ruins Restored
ACT I
[Scene--The ruins of the The Temple of the Gods, on summit of
Mount Olympus. Picturesque shattered columns, overgrown with
ivy, etc. R. and L. with entrances to temple (ruined) R. Fallen
columns on the stage. Three broken pillars 2 R.E. At the back of
stage is the approach from the summit of the mountain. This
should be "practicable" to enable large numbers of people to
ascend and descend. In the distance are the summits of adjacent
mountains. At first all this is concealed by a thick fog, which
clears presently. Enter (through fog) Chorus of Stars coming off
duty as fatigued with their night's work]
CHO. Through the night, the constellations,
Have given light from various stations.
When midnight gloom falls on all nations,
We will resume our occupations.
SOLO. Our light, it's true, is not worth mention;
What can we do to gain attention.
When night and noon with vulgar glaring
A great big moon is always flaring.
[During chorus, enter Diana, an elderly goddess. She is carefully
wrapped up in cloaks, shawls, etc. A hood is over her head, a
respirator in her mouth, and galoshes on her feet. During the
chorus, she takes these things off and discovers herself dressed
in the usual costume of the Lunar Diana, the goddess of the moon.
DIA. [shuddering] Ugh. How cold the nights are. I don't know how
it is, but I seem to feel the night air a good deal more than I
used to. But it is time for the sun to be rising. [Calls] Apollo.
AP. [within] Hollo.
DIA. I've come off duty--it's time for you to be getting up.
[Enter Apollo. He is an elderly "buck" with an air of assumed
juvenility and is dressed in dressing gown and smoking cap.
AP. [yawning] I shan't go out today. I was out yesterday and the
day before and I want a little rest. I don't know how it is,but I
seem to feel my work a great deal more than I used to.
DIA. I am sure these short days can't hurt you. Why you don't
rise til six and you're in bed again by five; you should have a
turn at my work and see how you like that--out all night.
AP. My dear sister, I don't envy you--though I remember when I
did--but that was when I was a younger sun. I don't think I'm
quite well. Perhaps a little change of air will do me good. I've
a mind to show myself in London this winter. They'll be very glad
to see me. No. I shan't go out today. I shall send them this
fine, thick wholesome fog and they won't miss me. It's the best
substitute for a blazing sun--and like most substitutes, nothing
at all like the real thing.
[Fog clears away and discovers the scene described. Hurried
music. Mercury shoots up from behind precipice at the back of
stage. He carries several parcels afterwards described. He sits
down, very much fatigued.]
MER. Home at last. A nice time I've had of it.
DIA. You young scamp you've been out all night again. This is the
third time you've been out this week.
MER. Well you're a nice one to blow me up for that.
DIA. I can't help being out all night.
MER. And I can't help being down all night. The nature of Mercury
requires that he should go down when the sun sets, and rise again
when the sun rises.
DIA. And what have you been doing?
MER. Stealing on commission. There's a set of false teeth and a
box of Life Pills for Jupiter--an invisible peruke and a bottle
of hair dye--that's for Apollo--a respirator and a pair of
galoshes--that's for Cupid--a full bottomed chignon, some
auricomous fluid, a box of pearl-powder, a pot of rouge, and a
hare's foot--that's for Venus.
DIA. Stealing. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
MER. Oh, as the god of thieves I must do something to justify my
position.
DIA.and AP. [contemptuously] Your position.
MER. Oh, I know it's nothing to boast of even on earth. Up here,
it's simply contemptible. Now that you gods are too old for your
work, you've made me the miserable drudge of Olympus--groom,
valet, postman, butler, commissionaire, maid of all work, parish
beadle, and original dustman.
AP. Your Christmas boxes ought to be something considerable.
MER. They ought to be but they're not. I'm treated abominably.
I make everybody and I'm nobody. I go everywhere and I'm
nowhere. I do everything and I'm nothing. I've made thunder for
Jupiter, odes for Apollo, battles for Mars, and love for Venus.
I've married couples for Humen and six weeks afterwards, I've
divorced them for Cupid, and in return I get all the kicks while
they pocket the halfpence. And in compensation for robbing me of
the halfpence in question, what have they done for me.
AP. Why they've--ha.ha.ha. they've made you the god of thieves.
MER. Very self denying of them. There isn't one of them who
hasn't a better claim to the distinction than I have.
Oh, I'm the celestial drudge,
For morning to night I must stop at it.
On errands all day I must trudge,
And stick to my work til I drop at it.
In summer I get up at one.
(As a good-natured donkey I'm ranked for it.)
then I go and I light up the sun.
And Phoebus Apollo gets thanked for it.
Well, well, it's the way of the world.
And will be through all its futurity.
Though noodles are baroned and earled,
There's nothing for clever obscurity.
I'm the slave of the Gods, neck and heels,
And I'm bound to obey, though I rate at 'em.
And I not only order their meals,
But I cook 'em and serve'em and wait at 'em.
Then I make all their nectar, I do.
(What a terrible liquor to rack us is.)
And whenever I mix them a brew,
Why all the thanksgivings are Bacchus's.
Well, well, it's the way of the world, etc.....
The reading and writing I teach.
And spelling-books many I've edited.
And for bringing those arts within reach,
That donkey Minerva gets credited.
Then I scrape at the stars with a knife,
And plate-powder the moon (on the days for it).
And I hear all the world and his wife
Awarding Diana the praise for it.
Well, well, it's the way of the world, etc....
[After song--very loud and majestic music is heard]
DIA and MER [looking off] Why, who's this? Jupiter, by Jove.
[Enter Jupiter, an extremely old man, very decrepit, with very
thin straggling white beard, he wears a long braided dressing
gown, handsomely trimmed, and a silk night-cap on his head.
Mercury falls back respectfully as he enters.]
JUP. Good day, Diana. Ah, Apollo. Well, well, well, what's the
matter? What's the matter?
DIA. Why that young scamp Mercury says that we do nothing, and
leave all the duties of Olympus to him. Will you believe it, he
actually says that our influence on earth is dropping down to
nil.
JUP. Well, well. Don't be hard on the lad. To tell you the
truth, I'm not sure that he's far wrong. Don't let it go any
further, but, between ourselves, the sacrifices and votive
offerings have fallen off terribly of late. Why, I can remember
the time when people offered us human sacrifices, no mistake
about it, human sacrifices. Think of that.
DIA. Ah. Those good old days.
JUP. Then it fell off to oxen, pigs, and sheep.
AP. Well, there are worse things than oxen, pigs and sheep.
JUP. So I've found to my cost. My dear sir, between ourselves,
it's dropped off from one thing to another until it has
positively dwindled down to preserved Australian beef. What do
you think of that?
AP. I don't like it at all.
JUP. You won't mention it. It might go further.
DIA. It couldn't fare worse.
JUP. In short, matters have come to such a crisis that there's no
mistake about it--something must be done to restore our
influence, the only question is, what?
MER. [Coming forward in great alarm. Enter Mars]
Oh incident unprecedented.
I hardly can believe it's true.
MARS. Why, bless the boy, he's quite demented.
Why, what's the matter, sir, with you?
AP. Speak quickly, or you'll get a warming.
MER. Why, mortals up the mount are swarming
Our temple on Olympus storming,
In hundreds--aye in thousands, too.
ALL. Goodness gracious
How audacious
Earth is spacious
Why come here?
Our impeding
Their proceeding
Were good breeding
That is clear.
DIA. Jupiter, hear my plea.
Upon the mount if they light.
There'll be an end of me.
I won't be seen by daylight.
AP. Tartarus is the place
These scoundrels you should send to--
Should they behold my face.
My influence there's an end to.
JUP. [looking over precipice]
What fools to give themselves
so much exertion
DIA. A government survey I'll make assertion.
AP. Perhaps the Alpine clubs their diversion.
MER. They seem to be more like a "Cook's" excursion.
ALL. Goodness gracious, etc.
AP. If, mighty Jove, you value your existence,
Send them a thunderbolt with your regards.
JUP. My thunderbolts, though valid at a distance,
Are not effective at a hundred yards.
MER. Let the moon's rays, Diana, strike 'em flighty,
Make 'em all lunatics in various styles.
DIA. My lunar rays unhappily are mighty
Only at many hundred thousand miles.
ALL. Goodness gracious, etc...
[Exeunt Jupiter, Apollo, Diana, and Mercury into ruined temple]
[Enter Sparkeion and Nicemis climbing mountain at back.]
SPAR. Here we are at last on the very summit, and we've left the
others ever so far behind. Why, what's this?
NICE. A ruined palace. A palace on the top of a mountain. I
wonder who lives here? Some mighty kind, I dare say, with wealth
beyond all counting who came to live up here--
SPAR. To avoid his creditors. It's a lovely situation for a
country house though it's very much out of repair.
NICE. Very inconvenient situation.
SPAR. Inconvenient.
NICE. Yes, how are you to get butter, milk, and eggs up here? No
pigs, no poultry, no postman. Why, I should go mad.
SPAR. What a dear little practical mind it is. What a wife you
will make.
NICE. Don't be too sure--we are only partly married--the marriage
ceremony lasts all day.
SPAR. I have no doubt at all about it. We shall be as happy as a
king and queen, though we are only a strolling actor and actress.
NICE. It's very nice of Thespis to celebrate our marriage day by
giving the company a picnic on this lovely mountain.
SPAR. And still more kind to allow us to get so much ahead of all
the others. Discreet Thespis. [kissing her]
NICE,. There now, get away, do. Remember the marriage ceremony
is not yet completed.
SPAR. But it would be ungrateful to Thespis's discretion not to
take advantage of it by improving the opportunity.
NICE. Certainly not; get away.
SPAR. On second thought the opportunity's so good it don't admit
of improvement. There. [kisses her]
NICE. How dare you kiss me before we are quite married?
SPAR. Attribute it to the intoxicating influence of the mountain
air.
NICE. Then we had better do down again. It is not right to
expose ourselves to influences over which we have no control.
SPAR. Here far away from all the world,
Dissension and derision,
With Nature's wonders all unfurled
To our delighted vision,
With no one here
(At least in sight)
To interfere
With our delight,
And two fond lovers sever,
Oh do not free,
Thine hand from mine,
I swear to thee
My love is ever thine
For ever and for ever.
NICE. On mountain top the air is keen,
And most exhilarating,
And we say things we do not mean
In moments less elating.
So please to wait
For thoughts that crop,
En tete-a-tete,
On mountain top,
May not exactly tally
With those that you
May entertain,
Returning to
The sober plain
Of yon relaxing valley
SPAR. Very well--if you won't have anything to say to me, I know
who will.
NICE. Who will?
SPAR. Daphne will.
NICE. Daphne would flirt with anybody.
SPAR. Anybody would flirt with Daphne. She is quite as pretty as
you and has twice as much back-hair.
NICE. She has twice as much money, which may account for it.
SPAR. At all events, she has appreciation. She likes good looks.
NICE. We all like what we haven;t got.
SPAR. She keeps her eyes open.
NICE. Yes--one of them.
SPAR. Which one.
NICE. The one she doesn't wink with.
SPAR. Well, I was engaged to her for six months and if she still
makes eyes at me, you must attribute it to force of habit.
Besides--remember--we are only half-married at present.
NICE. I suppose you mean that you are going to treat me as
shamefully as you treated her. Very well, break it off if you
like. I shall not offer any objection. Thespis used to be very
attentive to me. I'd just as soon be a manager's wife as a fifthrate
actor's.
[Chorus heard, at first below, then enter Daphne, Pretteia,
Preposteros, Stupidas, Tipseion, Cymon, and other members of
Thespis's company climbing over rocks at back. All carry small
baskets.]
CHO. [with dance] Climbing over rocky mountain
Skipping rivulet and fountain,
Passing where the willows quiver
By the ever rolling river,
Swollen with the summer rain.
Threading long and leafy mazes,
Dotted with unnumbered daisies,
Scaling rough and rugged passes,
Climb the hearty lads and lasses,
Til the mountain-top they gain.
FIRST VOICE. Fill the cup and tread the measure
Make the most of fleeting leisure.
Hail it as a true ally
Though it perish bye and bye.
SECOND VOICE. Every moment brings a treasure
Of its own especial pleasure,
Though the moments quickly die,
Greet them gaily as they fly.
THIRD VOICE. Far away from grief and care,
High up in the mountain air,
Let us live and reign alone,
In a world that's all our own.
FOURTH VOICE. Here enthroned in the sky,
Far away from mortal eye,
We'll be gods and make decrees,
Those may honor them who please.
CHO. Fill the cup and tread the measure...etc.
[After Chorus and Couples enter, Thespis climbing over rocks]
THES. Bless you, my people, bless you. Let the revels commence.
After all, for thorough, unconstrained unconventional enjoyment
give me a picnic.
PREP. [very gloomily] Give him a picnic, somebody.
THES. Be quiet, Preposteros. Don't interrupt.
PREP. Ha. Ha. Shut up again. But no matter.
[Stupidas endeavors, in pantomime, to reconcile him. Throughout
the scene Prep shows symptoms of breaking out into a furious
passion, and Stupidas does all he can to pacify and restrain
him.]
THES. The best of a picnic is that everybody contributes what he
pleases, and nobody knows what anybody else has brought til the
last moment. Now, unpack everybody and let's see what there is
for everybody.
NICE. I have brought you--a bottle of soda water--for the claretcup.
DAPH. I have brought you--lettuce for the lobster salad.
SPAR. A piece of ice--for the claret-cup.
PRETT. A bottle of vinegar--for the lobster salad.
CYMON. A bunch of burrage for the claret-cup.
TIPS. A hard boiled egg--for the lobster salad.
STUP. One lump of sugar for the claret-cup.
PREP. He has brought one lump of sugar for the claret-cup? Ha.
Ha. Ha. [laughing melodramatically]
STUP. Well, Preposteros, what have you brought?
PREP. I have brought two lumps of the very best salt for the
lobster salad.
THES. Oh--is that all?
PREP. All. Ha. Ha. He asks if it is all. {Stup. consoles him]
THES. But, I say--this is capital so far as it goes. Nothing
could be better, but it doesn't go far enough. The claret, for
instance. I don't insist on claret--or a lobster--I don't insist
on lobster, but a lobster salad without a lobster, why it isn't
lobster salad. Here, Tipseion.
TIP. [a very drunken, bloated fellow, dressed, however, with
scrupulous accuracy and wearing a large medal around his neck] My
master. [Falls on his knees to Thes. and kisses his robe.]
THES. Get up--don't be a fool. Where's the claret? We arranged
last week that you were to see to that.
TIPS. True, dear master. But then I was a drunkard.
THES. You were.
TIPS. You engaged me to play convivial parts on the strength of
my personal appearance.
THES. I did.
TIPS. Then you found that my habits interfered with my duties as
low comedian.
THES. True.
TIPS. You said yesterday that unless I took the pledge you would
dismiss me from your company.
THES. Quite so.
TIPS. Good. I have taken it. It is all I have taken since
yesterday. My preserver. [embraces him]
THES. Yes, but where's the wine?
TIPS. I left it behind that I might not be tempted to violate my
pledge.
PREP. Minion. [Attempts to get at him, is restrained by Stupidas]
THES. Now, Preposteros, what is the matter with you?
PREP. It is enough that I am down-trodden in my profession. I
will not submit to imposition out of it. It is enough that as
your heavy villain I get the worst of it every night in a combat
of six. I will not submit to insult in the day time. I have come
out. Ha. Ha. to enjoy myself.
THES. But look here, you know--virtue only triumphs at night from
seven to ten--vice gets the best of it during the other twenty
one hours. Won't that satisfy you? [Stupidas endeavours to
pacify him.]
PREP. [Irritated to Stupidas] Ye are odious to my sight. Get out
of it.
STUP. [In great terror] What have I done?
THES. Now what is it. Preposteros, what is it?
PREP. I a -- hate him and would have his life.
THES. [to Stup.] That's it--he hates you and would have your
life. Now go and be merry.
STUP. Yes, but why does he hate me?
THES. Oh--exactly. [to Prep.] Why do you hate him?
PREP. Because he is a minion.
THES. He hates you because you are a minion. It explains itself.
Now go and enjoy yourselves. Ha. Ha. It is well for those who can
laugh--let them do so--there is no extra charge. The lighthearted
cup and the convivial jest for them--but for me--what is
there for me?
SILLI. There is some claret-cup and lobster salad [handing some]
THES. [taking it] Thank you. [Resuming] What is there for me but
anxiety--ceaseless gnawing anxiety that tears at my very vitals
and rends my peace of mind asunder? There is nothing whatever
for me but anxiety of the nature I have just described. The
charge of these thoughtless revellers is my unhappy lot. It is
not a small charge, and it is rightly termed a lot because there
are many. Oh why did the gods make me a manager?
SILL. [as guessing a riddle] Why did the gods make him a manager?
SPAR. Why did the gods make him a manager.
DAPH. Why did the gods make him a manager?
PRETT. Why did the gods make him a manager?
THES. No--no--what are you talking about? What do you mean?
DAPH. I've got it--no don't tell us.
ALL. No--no--because--because
THES. [annoyed] It isn't a conundrum. It's misanthropical
question.
DAPH. [Who is sitting with Spar. to the annoyance of Nice. who is
crying alone] I'm sure I don't know. We do not want you. Don't
distress yourself on our account--we are getting on very
comfortably--aren't we Sparkeion.
SPAR. We are so happy that we don't miss the lobster or the
claret. What are lobster and claret compared with the society of
those we love? [embracing Daphne.]
DAPH. Why, Nicemis, love, you are eating nothing. Aren't you
happy dear?
NICE. [spitefully] You are quite welcome to my share of
everything. I intend to console myself with the society of my
manager. [takes Thespis' arm affectionately].
THES. Here I say--this won't do, you know--I can't allow it--at
least before my company--besides, you are half-married to
Sparkeion. Sparkeion, here's your half-wife impairing my
influence before my company. Don't you know the story of the
gentleman who undermined his influence by associating with his
inferiors?
ALL. Yes, yes--we know it.
PREP. [formally] I do not know it. It's ever thus. Doomed to
disappointment from my earliest years. [Stup. endeavours to
console him]
THES. There--that's enough. Preposteros--you shall hear it.
I once knew a chap who discharged a function
On the North South East West Diddlesex Junction.
He was conspicuous exceeding,
For his affable ways, and his easy breeding.
Although a chairman of directions,
He was hand in glove with the ticket inspectors.
He tipped the guards with brand new fivers,
And sang little songs to the engine drivers.
'Twas told to me with great compunction,
By one who had discharged with unction
A chairman of directors function
On the North South East West Diddlesex Junction.
Fol diddle, lol diddle, lol lol lay.
Each Christmas day he gave each stoker
A silver shovel and a golden poker.
He'd button holw flowers for the ticket sorters
And rich Bath-buns for the outside porters.
He'd moun the clerks on his first-class hunters,
And he build little villas for the road-side shunters,
And if any were fond of pigeon shooting,
He'd ask them down to his place at Tooting.
Twas told to me....etc.
In course of time there spread a rumour
That he did all this from a sense of humour.
So instead of signalling and stoking,
They gave themselves up to a course of joking.
Whenever they knew that he was riding,
They shunted his train on a lonely siding,
Or stopped all night in the middle of a tunnel,
On the plea that the boiler was a-coming through the funnel.
Twas told to me...etc.
It he wished to go to Perth or Stirling,
His train through several counties whirling,
Would set him down in a fit of larking,
At four a.m. in the wilds of Barking.
This pleased his whim and seemed to strike it,
But the general public did not like it.
The receipts fell, after a few repeatings,
And he got it hot at the annual meetings.
Twas told to me...etc.
He followed out his whim with vigour,
The shares went down to a nominal figure.
These are the sad results proceeding
From his affable ways and his easy breeding.
The line, with its rais and guards and peelers,
Was sold for a song to marine store dealers
The shareholders are all in the work'us,
And he sells pipe-lights in the Regent Circus.
Twas told to me...etc.
It's very hard. As a man I am naturally of an easy disposition.
As a manager, I am compelled to hold myself aloof, that my
influence may not be deteriorated. As a man I am inclined to
fraternize with the pauper--as a manager I am compelled to walk
around like this: Don't know yah. Don't know yah. Don't know yah.
[Strides haughtily about the stage. Jupiter, Mars, and Apollo, in
full Olympian costume appear on the three broken columns.
Thespians scream.]
JUP, MARS, AP. Presumptuous mortal.
THES. Don't know ya. Don't know yah.
JUP, MARS, AP. [seated on broken pillars] Presumptuous mortal.
THES. I do not know you. I do not know you.
JUP, MARS, AP. Presumptuous mortal.
THES. Remove this person.
[Stup and Prep seize Ap and Mars]
JUP. Stop, you evidently don't know me. Allow me to offer you my
card. [Throws flash paper]
THES. Ah yes, it's very pretty, but we don't want any at present.
When we do our Christmas piece, I'll let you know. [Changing his
manner] Look here, you know this is a private party and we
haven't the pleasure of your acquaintance. There are a good many
other mountains about, if you must have a mountain all to
yourself. Don't make me let myself down before my company.
[Resuming] Don't know yah, Don't know yah.
JUP. I am Jupiter, the king of the gods. This is Apollo. This is
Mars. [All kneel to them except Thespis]
THES. Oh. Then as I'm a respectable man, and rather particular
about the company I keep, I think I'll go.
JUP. No--no--stop a bit. We want to consult you on a matter of
great importance. There. Now we are alone. Who are you?
THES. I am Thespis of the Thessalian Theatres.
JUP. The very man we want. Now as a judge of what the public
likes are you impressed with my appearance as father of the gods?
THES. Well to be candid with you, I am not. In fact I'm
disappointed.
JUP. Disappointed?
THES. Yes, you see you're so much out of repair. No, you don't
come up to my idea of the part. Bless you, I've played you often.
JUP. You have.
THES. To be sure I have.
JUP. And how have you dressed the part.
THES. Fine commanding party in the prime of life. Thunderbolt--
full beard--dignified manner--a good eal of this sort of thin
"Don't know ya. Don't know yah. Don't know yah.
JUP. [much affected] I--I'm very much obliged to you. It's very
good of you. I--I--I used to be like that. I can't tell you how
much I feel it. And do you find I'm an impressive character to
play?
THES. Well no, I can't say you are. In fact we don't you you
much out of burlesque.
JUP. Burlesque!
THES. Yes, it's a painful subject, drop it, drop it. The fact
is, you are not the gods you were--you're behind your age.
JUP. Well, but what are we to do? We feel that we ought to do
something, but we don't know what.
THES. Why don't you all go down to earth, incog, mingle with the
world, hear and see what people think of you, and judge for
yourselves as to the best means to take to restore your
influence?
JUP. Ah, but what's to become of Olympus in the meantime?
THES. Lor' bless you, don't distress yourself about that. I've a
very good company, used to take long parts on the shortest
notice. Invest us with your powers and we'll fill your places
till you return.
JUP. [aside] The offer is tempting. But suppose you fail?
THES. Fail. Oh, we never fail in our profession. We've nothing
but great successes.
JUP. Then it's a bargain.
THES. It's a bargain. [they shake hands on it]
JUP. And that you may not be entirely without assistance, we will
leave you Mercury and whenever you find yourself in a difficulty
you can consult him. [enter Mercury]
JUP. So that's arranged--you take my place, my boy,
While we make trial of a new existence.
At length I will be able to enjoy
The pleasures I have envied from a distance.
MER. Compelled upon Olympus here to stop,
While the other gods go down to play the hero.
Don't be surprised if on this mountain top
You find your Mercury is down at zero.
AP. To earth away to join in mortal acts.
And gather fresh materials to write on.
Investigate more closely, several facts,
That I for centuries have thrown some light on.
DIA. I, as the modest moon with crescent bow.
Have always shown a light to nightly scandal,
I must say I'd like to go below,
And find out if the game is worth the candle.
[enter all thespians, summoned by Mercury]
MER. Here come your people.
THES. People better now.
THES. While mighty Jove goes down below
With all the other deities.
I fill his place and wear his "clo,"
The very part for me it is.
To mother earth to make a track,
They are all spurred and booted, too.
And you will fill, till they come back,
The parts you best are suited to.
CHO. Here's a pretty tale for future Iliads and Odysseys
Mortals are about to personate the gods and goddesses.
Now to set the world in order, we will work in unity.
Jupiter's perplexity is Thespis's opportunity.
SPAR. Phoebus am I, with golden ray,
The god of day, the god of day.
When shadowy night has held her sway,
I make the goddesses fly.
Tis mine the task to wake the world,
In slumber curled, in slumber curled.
By me her charms are all unfurled
The god of day am I.
CHO. The god of day, the god of day,
The park shall our Sparkeion play,
Ha Ha, etc.
The rarest fun and rarest fare
That ever fell to mortal share
Ha ha etc.
NICE. I am the moon, the lamp of night.
I show a light -- I show a light.
With radiant sheen I put to flight
The shadows of the sky.
By my fair rays, as you're aware,
Gay lovers swear--gay lovers swear,
While greybeards sleep away their care,
The lamp of night am I.
CHO. The lamp of night-the lamp of night.
Nicemis plays, to her delight.
Ha Ha Ha Ha.
The rarest fun and rarest fare,
That ever fell to mortal share,
Ha Ha Ha Ha
TIM. Mighty old Mars, the god of war,
I'm destined for--I'm destined for.
A terribly famous conqueror,
With sword upon his thigh.
When armies meet with eager shout
And warlike rout, and warlike rout,
You'll find me there without a doubt.
The God of War am I.
CHO. The god of war, the god of war
Great Timidon is destined for.
Ha Ha Ha Ha
The rest fun and rarest fare
That ever fell to mortal share
Ha Ha Ha Ha
DAPH. When, as the fruit of warlike deeds,
The soldier bleed, the soldier bleeds,
Calliope crowns heroic deeds,
With immortality.
From mere oblivion I reclaim
The soldier's name, the soldier's name
And write it on the roll of fame,
The muse of fame am I.
CHO. The muse of fame, the muse of fame.
Callipe is Daphne's name.
Ha Ha Ha Ha
The rarest fun and rarest fare,
That ever fell to mortal share.
Ha Ha Ha Ha.
TUTTI. Here's a pretty tale.
[Enter procession of old Gods, they come down very much
astonished at all they see, then passing by, ascent the platform
that leads to the descent at the back.]
GODS. We will go,
Down below,
Revels rare,
We will share.
Ha Ha Ha
With a gay
Holiday
All unknown,
And alone
Ha Ha Ha.
TUTTI. Here's a pretty tale.
[The gods, including those who have lately entered in procession
group themselves on rising ground at back. The Thespians kneeling
bid them farewell.]
ACT II
SCENE-the same scene as in Act I with the exception that in place
of the ruins that filled the foreground of the stage, the
interior of a magnificent temple is seen showing the background
of the scene of Act I, through the columns of the portico at the
back. High throne. L.U.E. Low seats below it. All the substitute
gods and goddesses [that is to say, Thespians] are discovered
grouped in picturesque attitudes about the stage, eating and
drinking, and smoking and singing the following verses.
CHO. Of all symposia
The best by half
Upon Olympus, here await us.
We eat ambrosia.
And nectar quaff,
It cheers but don't inebriate us.
We know the fallacies,
Of human food
So please to pass Olympian rosy,
We built up palaces,
Where ruins stood,
And find them much more snug and cosy.
SILL. To work and think, my dear,
Up here would be,
The height of conscientious folly.
So eat and drink, my dear,
I like to see,
Young people gay--young people jolly.
Olympian food my love,
I'll lay long odds,
Will please your lips--those rosy portals,
What is the good, my love
Of being gods,
If we must work like common mortals?
CHO. Of all symposia...etc.
[Exeunt all but Nicemis, who is dressed as Diana and Pretteia,
who is dressed as Venus. They take Sillimon's arm and bring him
down]
SILL. Bless their little hearts, I can refuse them nothing. As
the Olympian stage-manager I ought to be strict with them and
make them do their duty, but i can't. Bless their little hearts,
when I see the pretty little craft come sailing up to me with a
wheedling smile on their pretty little figure-heads, I can't turn
my back on 'em. I'm all bow, though I'm sure I try to be stern.
PRET. You certainly are a dear old thing.
SILL. She says I'm a dear old thing. Deputy Venus says I'm a
dear old thing.
NICE. It's her affectionate habit to describe everybody in those
terms. I am more particular, but still even I am bound to admit
that you are certainly a very dear old thing.
SILL. Deputy Venus says I'm a dear old thing, and Deputy Diana
who is much more particular, endorses it. Who could be severe
with such deputy divinities.
PRET. Do you know, I'm going to ask you a favour.
SILL. Venus is going to ask me a favour.
PRET. You see, I am Venus.
SILL. No one who saw your face would doubt it.
NICE. [aside] No one who knew her character would.
PRET. Well Venus, you know, is married to Mars.
SILL. To Vulcan, my dear, to Vulcan. The exact connubial relation
of the different gods and goddesses is a point on which we must
be extremely particular.
PRET. I beg your pardon--Venus is married to Mars.
NICE. If she isn't married to Mars, she ought to be.
SILL. Then that decides it--call it married to Mars.
PRET. Married to Vulcan or married to Mars, what does it signify?
SILL. My dear, it's a matter on which I have no personal feeling
whatever.
PRET. So that she is married to someone.
SILL. Exactly. So that she is married to someone. Call it married
to Mars.
PRET. Now here's my difficulty. Presumptios takes the place of
Mars, and Presumptios is my father.
SILL. Then why object to Vulcan?
PRET. Because Vulcan is my grandfather.
SILL. But, my dear, what an objection. You are playing a part
till the real gods return. That's all. Whether you are supposed
to be married to your father--or your grandfather, what does it
matter? This passion for realism is the curse of the stage.
PRET. That's all very well, but I can't throw myself into a part
that has already lasted a twelvemonth, when I have to make love
to my father. It interferes with my conception of the
characters. It spoils the part.
SILL. Well, well. I'll see what can be done. [Exit Pretteia,
L.U.E.) That's always the way with beginners, they've no
imaginative power. A true artist ought to be superior to such
considerations. [Nicemis comes down R.] Well, Nicemis, I should
say, Diana, what's wrong with you? Don't you like your part?
NICE. Oh, immensely. It's great fun.
SILL. Don't you find it lonely out by yourself all night?
NICE. Oh, but I'm not alone all night.
SILL. But, I don't want to ask any injudicious questions, but who
accompanies you?
NICE. Who? Why Sparkeion, of course.
SILL. Sparkeion? Well, but Sparkeion is Phoebus Apollo [enter
Sparkeion] He's the sun, you know.
NICE. Of course he is. I should catch my death of cold, in the
night air, if he didn't accompany me.
SPAR. My dear Sillimon, it would never do for a young lady to be
out alone all night. It wouldn't be respectable.
SILL. There's a good deal of truth in that. But still--the sun--
at night--I don't like the idea. The original Diana always went
out alone.
NICE. I hope the original Diana is no rule for me. After all,
what does it matter?
SILL. To be sure--what does it matter?
SPAR. The sun at night, or in the daytime.
SILL. So that he shines. That's all that's necessary. [Exit
Nicemis, R.U.E.] But poor Daphne, what will she say to this.
SPAR. Oh, Daphne can console herself; young ladies soon get over
this sort of thing. Did you never hear of the young lady who was
engaged to Cousin Robin?
SILL. Never.
SPAR. Then I'll sing it to you.
Little maid of Arcadee
Sat on Cousin Robin's knee,
Thought in form and face and limb,
Nobody could rival him.
He was brave and she was fair,
Truth they made a pretty paid.
Happy little maiden she--
Happy maid of Arcadee.
Moments fled as moments will
Happily enough, until
After, say, a month or two,
Robin did as Robins do.
Weary of his lover's play,
Jilted her and went away,
Wretched little maiden, she--
Wretched maid of Arcadee.
To her little home she crept,
There she sat her down and wept,
Maiden wept as maidens will--
Grew so thin and pale--until
Cousin Richard came to woo.
Then again the roses grew.
Happy little maiden she--
Happy maid of Arcadee. [Exit Sparkeion]
SILL. Well Mercury, my boy, you've had a year's experience of us
here. How do we do it? I think we're rather an improvement on the
original gods--don't you?
MER. Well, you see, there's a good deal to be said on both sides
of the question; you are certainly younger than the original
gods, and, therefore, more active. On the other hand, they are
certainly older than you, and have, therefore, more experience.
On the whole I prefer you, because your mistakes amuse me.
Olympus is now in a terrible muddle,
The deputy deities all are at fault